All I Ever Really Needed To Know I Learned From ER


AUTHOR: Kitchen_Sink5
EMAIL: kitchen_sink5@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: A humorous list.
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: Season Seven
ARCHIVE: Please ask us first
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them!
AUTHOR'S NOTES/SUMMARY: This list is a spoof of "All I Ever Really Needed To Know I Learned From Kindergarten". It's a list of things that we learned from watching ER. I have so many thank yous - They go out to everyone who contributed to this list. My contributors are:
Mely, Timeo, Minerva Moon (Mal), AlienAmerican (Jen), Tori_17, Katie, Gunn, Thorne, Aviva, Tifa, Blue_Jeans, Carter&Abby4eva, Rachel H, AlittaM, RracheL, Ali, Dionysos, Drummergirl, Triggersaurus, Ritaann, and kovacsgirl

Thank you so much!



- When carrying contaminated needles, look out for flying doors.
- Never try to take the El during a rainstorm when you need to get somewhere fast.
- Never rule out mental illness.
- Always listen to med students.
- Never let doctors who have drug problems near drugs.

- Do not get involved with Mark, or you too will be pushed into a lifetime of unhappiness.
- Saline is what every patient needs.
- "Everyone deserves to be comforted in their darkest hour." - Bishop
- Stay clear of the ambulance bay. At the rate rigs pulled up you could get run over.
- The words 'rib spreader' typically go with GSWs to the chest.
- Why say a three syllable phrase when a five syllable acronym can sound more technical?
- Do not expect to have relationships that do not revolve around the hospital.
- If a patient looks like a drunk and smells like a drunk, it is likely that they may just NOT be a drunk
-"Even Doctors get sick too." - Mark
- Do not get to know Dr. Carter unless you have a death wish.
- Having a tortured past is an asset.
- Nothing ever works out. There are always complications.
- At least once a year there will be a power cut or the need to close the ER due to various reasons:- contagious virus, poisonous fumes etc. etc. And waaaaaaay more patients than you can handle.
- Rarely will your job cut you a break and actually let you get somewhere without causing you future hassle or the need to go right back to the beginning, or in fact move away completely.
- You will always make the wrong decision in the eyes of Romano so be prepared to put yourself down in front of him for extra merit points.
- Always expect Romano to promote you or demote you without telling you.
- At some point you will deal with a sick-child who will make you question your views on life.
- Avoid dropped Valentines. At all costs.
- Glass breaks.
- If you thought things couldn't get any worse you'll get a brain tumor.
- But it's okay really. So long as you have a contract you'll live until said contract expires.
- Blue cakes are an omen.
- Glass ALWAYS breaks.
- No, really. It breaks. Trust me, okay?
- Don't pull the emergency cord if there's a woman in labor.
- Never trust law students named Paul. :-(
- Never agree to do surgery on a dog.
- Absolutely, positively, DON'T EVER ATTEMPT sex on the stairs. The feedback may prove fatal to your relationship.
- When all else fails, use the sternal saw.
- If an episode starts with someone waking up, expect at least two more people waking up in that episode
- Never play with a patient's illegal explosives! (Jerry)
- Never go near Weaver when she's in a bad mood
- "Don't be a hero: get the epidural." - Jing Mei
- Always make sure no one else has before buying a crockpot for someone.(to Dave!)
- Never listen to 'Battleflag' in the dark.
- Always look behind a door of a room before entering.
- "You have to walk away knowing you've fought the good fight" - Carter
- Always carry a pocket knife when going to a function, just in case your ex-husband's car happens to be there.
- If you get *really* depressed, equally depressing music will begin to play out of nowhere.
- As soon as you mention how quiet the ER is, patients will come flying in.
- TPTB hates cute, naive med students.
- It's normal to have a different locker every single day.
- Curtain Area Three is cursed and should be avoided at all costs.
- The is a black hole in the ER that sucks in characters sporadically. (see above)
- "Compromise is the soul of marriage." - Mark
- People can change (just look at Chloe!).
- It's perfectly understandable for your parents not to visit you in the hospital after you've been brutally stabbed, especially if they're on vacation.
- If you find a valentine on the floor, leave it there and run for your life.
- "See one, do one, teach one." - Mark
- Sometimes the smallest patients teach the biggest lessons.
- Pregnant women shouldn't be allowed around train wreckage.
- Don't show up in wedding pictures if you call into the ER sick.
- Never agree to operate on a dog when you mothers says she may stop by later.
- When someone is getting over a traumatic thing and tells you they are fine NEVER believe them
- ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT look behind the door if you enter a dark room.
- Never up show or prove your resident wrong, you will be on the **** list forever.
- Never help a boy who is in a lot of pain because he has a disease die, it will just get you into a whole lot of trouble and make you leave the person you love.
- If Weaver looks sick, never tell her you want to do home, it might be a death wish (That goes out to you Dave).
- "It's not a good idea to shock a patient who's wide awake." - Kerry
- Now we know what happens after the jazz club..
- "Sometimes people who love us hurt us anyway." - Luka
- If Noah Wyle or George Clooney happen to be desperately in love with you, don't hesitate to love them back! (Anna and Carol, hello?)
- Get the producers to write you out of the show satisfyingly and not out of the blue.
- "He who asks gets; he who doesn't, doesn't" - Susan
- Even Romano can be nice, and even Carter can be mean.
- Don't do drugs - And if you're stupid enough to do them, don't do them in the middle of an empty trauma room.
- "Don't tempt the fates" - Carol
- Don't trust your ex with your job.
- If you want to date a psychiatrist, always wear purple when you know he/she is going to see you.
- "Life goes on.....And then sometimes it doesn't" (Hospice joke)
- Don't kiss someone you just met when you're engaged. It just *may* ruin the wedding plans.
- Don't go to sleep if you don't have at least 3 hours to do so.
- Don't be mean to Romano, it'll cost you your job...and your dignity....and your pride.
- If you're depressed, immediately go to the roof, the El tracks, or the ambulance bay, and wait for someone to find you and cheer you up
- If you find milk in a jar in the lounge, it's best not to drink it.
- "There's nothing like a near-fatal stab wound to put a different spin on things." - Carter
- Doctors usually treat patients who have similar problems to themselves.
- "We can't fix everything." - Mark
- Doctors are ALL good looking.
- Don't EVER date 3 women in one night.
- "Your talent is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God" - Mrs. Benton
- There aren't any cute doctors in OB.
- Don't ever close the ER to trauma, that just means paramedics are going to bring more, and more, and ever MORE trauma patients.
-"Never underestimate the elasticity of the anal sphincter."- Peter
- If a case seems easy and you let the patient go, said patient will collapse in the parking lot ten minutes later.
- If a surgery seems easy, five seconds after someone congratulates you said patient will throw a clot/crash/stroke out.
- You can beat a person to death and not be charged as long as you have a troubled past.
- Any and everything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. Especially if the higher ups are around.
- Med students and doctors are allowed to wear as much jewelry as they like, even though it endangers patients/themselves. (Harper I'm looking at you)
- "Sometimes you have to let go." - Abby
- If you're were picked on as a kid, you can always look forward to the day when you grow up and will be able to cut out the tongues of all those who ridiculed you.
- When people disappear without a trace or explanation, it's normal for everyone to carry on as if nothing's happened.
- "You gotta know when to jump." - Doug
- Hum while you're in labor.
- Leaves of three, let it be or else you'll give your boyfriend poison ivy on his....you know......
- Don't send your father to the drugstore to buy pads for your daughter - Just trust me.
- It's best to share your feelings for someone before you end up running across town to catch her train, and only be rejected.
- "The only stupid question is the one you don't ask." - Mark
- As a general rule of thumb, don't call a patient a veggie-burger when his girlfriend can hear you.
- By that same basic rule, don't make fun of a gang-banger when his uncle is standing right next to you (Malucci, are you reading this?).
- "Sometimes you have to let go." - Abby
- Don't give up fighting, even if it means running around Chicago looking for a man, or showing up on Romano's doorstep in the middle of the night.
- It's always good to find out somebody's age before you sleep with them.
- In token, it's also good to find out their name and whether or not they have a life-threatening condition.
- "When you do everything, sometimes even more then you thought you could, you've got to walk away knowing that you fought the good fight."
- Apparently, some doctors do not know how to use birth control properly.
- Just because you're a doctor, it doesn't necessarily mean you know how to play baseball.
- If your roommate is acting depressed, pay attention to him, and don't spend Christmas with your far too old girlfriend instead of him.
- "That's all there is, is risk. You just have to take a chance and leap into life! Otherwise, you're going to miss out on all the great things." - Maggie
- There are no small patients. Except for dwarves, of course.
- Sometimes you have to give up what you love.
- If there's any chance he can hear you, don't call the cameraman a dumbass.
- Some people don't swallow carrots.
- Who can resist blue cake?
- "When you assume you just make an ass of you and me." - Romano
- If you're going to go to County General, beware of: malfunctioning helicopters, football riots, worker's strikes, a redhead beating people with crutches, chemical spills, a psychotic stabber in curtain area three, the mud on the ground of the entrance (ouch Carter!), rapists, power outages, water shortages, air conditioning failure, a moody desk clerk who punches people who pull fire alarms, cars that think the waiting area is a parking lot, bathrooms that contain an attacker, crazed televangelists, countless gun battles, spontaneously combusting patients, a desk clerk with a gun that has the potential to blow up the ambulance bay, a moody foreigner who likes to beat people to death, water spills on the ground, mace wielding ex-tv stars, a nurse who uses an axe to break down a door, more gunfire, certain doctors who will let you die, Sally Field on a crazed guest spot, men on PCP who will bite you, more explosions, certain attendings destroying the lounge, Carla in a cat fight, Carla just in general, more glass breaking, Malucci on search for a date, Chen after Malucci pisses her off looking for a date, aggravated patients, camera crews.....
....On second thought, just don't go to County General.




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