Ask Miss Cleo
CATEGORY: Cast Humor
DISCLAIMER: I don't own ER, and I certainly don't own Miss Cleo's Psychic Network, but if I did I could go "to da islands". <rolls eyes>
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I need to stop watching infomercials at 2 am… that's what it comes down to. We all know I'm sick and twisted by now, I don't really need to say so do I?
SUMMARY: Cleo finds herself doing a psychic friends infomercial and gets some familiar callers.
Two large burly men drag a very reluctant Cleo Finch onto a set. "What the hell are you doing, I god damn told you that you have the wrong Cleo!" She screamed angrily.
"No, we were told to get Cleo out here for her infomercial. You're black… well, kinda. Your name is Cleo." One of the "Miss Cleo's Psychic Network" t-shirt clad men exclaimed as he plopped Cleo into the chair.
"You've got the WRONG Cleo! I'm not a psychic from the islands!" Cleo growled.
"Exactly, you're her!" The second man exclaimed.
"We're on in ten!" A director called out from the sidelines.
"What the hell do I do?" Cleo asked, feeling slightly panicked.
"Just take the calls, and speak in your accent like you always do." The director reassured here. Geez, that new diet must be working, Miss Cleo lost a bunch of weight.
'But - " Cleo tried to protest.
"ACTION!" The director called out.
"Um, hello and welcome to Ask Miss Cleo" Cleo read hesitantly off the teleprompter. She made a face as her next section of dialogue came up. "How are you all today babies? I know you have problems but Miss Cleo can help you out, honey."
"More accent!" The director whispered.
Cleo glared then shrugged and put on her best phony accent. "The mystical forces are calling to you, call me now."
A producer then came on the line. "Miss Cleo, we have a call from Deb."
"Hello baby!" Cleo tried her best to call into the microphone.
"Hi, Miss Cleo, I've never done this before…" Jing Mei began nervously.
"What is it baby?" Cleo asked pretending to shuffle the cards in front of her.
"Well, I'm kind of in this sticky situation. I might have smallpox.." Jing Mei continued.
"That's a shame baby." Cleo said absently.
"Well, am I going to die from it?" She asked.
"Yes, baby, you're going to die, but before you do, you're going to have yourself a three-way with that homeless guy and that young arrogant doctor, you know who I mean. Now go on with yourself, baby!"
Jing Mei attempted to protest but the line was disconnected.
"Next caller" Cleo said, shuffling the cards again.
"Miss Cleo, we have John on the line." The producer replied and connected the call.
"John, baby, you're on the air with Miss Cleo. What can I do for you?" Cleo said, almost starting to enjoy pretending to be the legendary "psychic".
"Well, Miss Cleo, there's this girl I liked for a while, then I dated this other girl and I kissed her, but there was no chemistry. Well, I kissed the first girl and there was nothing there either. Am I a bad kisser?" Carter asked.
"Well, bless your heart, child. Of course you are!" Cleo chirped.
"Oh." Carter replied, clearly disappointed.
"But don't you worry your cute self about it, baby. There's a long line of women and men who are on their way to teach you how to kiss." Cleo continued.
"There are?" Carter asked, brightening.
"Oh yes, baby, and you better watch your pants there because quite a few of them want to do more than kiss you if you know what I mean." Cleo added.
"Oh, well, I haven't gotten laid this year." Carter said slowly.
"Well, that's going to change and soon, baby." Cleo confirmed. "I love you baby, you go have the good sex now. Don't be like the rest of the docs in that hospital, use some protection."
As Cleo finished with the call, the producer announced the next one. "Miss Cleo we have Elizabeth on the line."
"What can I do for you baby?" "Miss" Cleo chirped, rather enjoying the role by now.
"Well, I just lost my husband…" Elizabeth began tearfully.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that baby. He was a good one. Not much in the hair department but he liked to take his shirt off." Cleo continued.
"Yeah, well, I was wondering if there was love in my future?" Elizabeth asked.
"Oh, bless your heart child, of course there is!" Cleo replied.
"Oh?" Elizabeth asked.
"Oh, yes, baby. I see a short little bald man who you're going to fall in love with. In fact, I think you know him now!" Cleo said squinting as if in deep concentration.
"NOOOO!" Elizabeth screamed and hung up.
"You have a good one baby! Who's next?" Cleo asked.
"Miss Cleo, we have Dave on the line." The producer replied.
"How are you baby?" Cleo asked of her caller.
"Hey, Finch, that you?" Dave asked suspiciously.
"No, it's MISS CLEO, baby" Cleo emphasized. "You got a question?"
"Well, yeah, Miss Cleo, I was wondering if I was going to get my job back." Dave said.
"Malucci, why the HELL would they hire you back?" Cleo said slipping out of character and shooting a disgusted look at the camera.
"It IS you, Finch!" Dave called out triumphantly.
"Shut up Malucci!" Cleo said, pressing the button to end the call. Slipping back into her "Miss Cleo" voice. "Next caller, baby"
"Miss Cleo, we have Lukel on the line." The producer said slowly.
"Lukel?" Cleo asked.
The producer shrugged.
"Caller, you're on the air with Miss Cleo." Cleo said, with a slight shrug.
"Hello?" An accented voice asked through a lot of static.
"Yes, baby, you're on the air, can I have your name please?" Cleo asked.
"Luka" The caller responded through the static.
"We got a bad connection baby." Cleo said slowly.
"Sorry, I'm on my cell." Luka said apologetically. "Can you hear me now?"
"What?" Cleo asked
"Can you hear me now?" Luka asked again.
"Yes, Luka, I can hear you." Cleo responded.
"Good." Luka said with satisfaction.
"You got a question baby?" Cleo asked skeptically.
"Yeah, Miss Cleo. I was wondering if I was going to get the chance to kill anyone next year." Luka asked.
"Oh, yes, baby. I don't see you NOT killing anyone." Cleo responded.
"Good. Where the hell did Carter go?" Luka growled and hung up.
"Well, sounds like our caller was going to get a bit of a head start on that murder." Cleo chuckled. She hit a button on the switchboard. "You're on the air with Miss Cleo."
"Hi Miss Cleo." A feminine voice said.
"Hey baby, can I have just your first name please?" Cleo asked.
"Um, Mary." Kerry Weaver's said slowly.
"Okay, Mary, and what's your question for Miss Cleo today?" Cleo asked as she pretended to shuffle the cards.
"Well, I'm in a relationship with this woman and I'm wondering if it's going to last?" Kerry asked.
"Oh yes, baby, there has to be a stable lesbian relationship or they'll throw a fit." Cleo said with a slight eye roll.
"Who'll throw a fit?" Kerry asked confused.
"Oh, you know baby. You have a good day!" Cleo replied and ended the call.
"Miss Cleo, we have Yosh on the line." The producer replied.
"Why hello Yosh, you're on the air with Miss Cleo." Cleo chirped.
"Miss Cleo, I've got this guy I've got quite a crush on…" Yosh began.
"Well, bless your heart. Is he a good looking one?" Cleo asked as she shuffled her cards.
"Ohhh yes…" Yosh breathed. "The man personifies tall, dark and handsome!"
"Ah he's a foreign one, isn't he?" Cleo asked winking at the camera.
"He's Croatian" Yosh confirmed.
"Ah, well, baby, as soon as he gets out of jail, he should be all yours to date. Of course they don't have conjugal visits for nothing. You have a good one!" Cleo responded and cut off the call.
She hit a button on the switchboard and chirped. "Hello caller, you're on the line with Miss Cleo, can I have your first name."
"Hey, Miss Cleo! I'm so happy I finally got through!" Jerry called out happily.
"So am I baby, can I have your name please?" Cleo asked.
"Oh it's Jerry." Jerry asked.
"Well, hello Jerry, what do you want to ask Miss Cleo?" Cleo responded as she shuffled her cards.
"Well, Miss Cleo, I have a lot of things - " Jerry began but was cut off by a noise in the background.
"JERRY!" Kerry bellowed. "Are you on that phone again?"
"No, not at all." Jerry said to the voice, and then into the receiver he said quickly "Gotta go!"
A dial tone was heard.
"Well, I guess Jerry didn't want to talk to us." Miss Cleo shrugged at the camera. "Next caller!"
"We have Peter on the line, Miss Cleo." The producer informed her.
"Why hello Peter, what can Miss Cleo do for you today?" Cleo said settling back into her chair.
"Cleo! What the hell are you doing woman?" Benton bellowed into the phone.
"I uh… don't know what you're asking caller." Cleo said trying to keep up the façade.
"You better get the hell off TV and get your ass home, woman." He growled angrily. "And what the hell is with the accent, you're from Indiana!"
Cleo cut off the call and then smiled brightly at the camera.
"Well that's all the time we have today for ask Miss Cleo." Cleo replied. "Until next time, you take care of yourselves babies!"