Back to the Old Haunts
CATEGORY: LKn humor/fantasy
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters, I don't own ER, and I don't have enough money to buy combo meal. Do the math.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I was working on my In the Land of Dreams series (which all of you should read if you haven't already <G>) and brainstorming ideas when this came to me. It didn't really fit into the whole "dream" concept of the series so I created it as a stand-alone fic. Yes, I am a very sick and twisted individual, yes; I will probably burn in hell for writing this. Then again, I think the menstruating Malucci earned me a seat in hell long ago. So without further adieu... here we go.
SUMMARY: How Lucy's been keeping herself busy since her demise.
I was just sitting there. As usual I was bored, incredibly bored in fact. Whoever it was who said that heaven was so wonderful had never been here. I was basically just sitting around here for the past two years. At least I think it's been two years, time is funny up here. I looked through my manual. They actually gave me a book called "Putting the LIFE into your Afterlife". It was quite humorous actually. The book went over basic rules, faux pas for the afterlife (such as you couldn't go up to JFK and ask him who shot him, which is a major bummer) and other stuff like that.
Frankly though, the book was boring, this place was boring. There was never any excitement around here. Sighing, I flipped through the book again. Chapter 111: Haunting. Haunting? I could actually HAUNT people? That sounded so... Scooby Doo. On the other hand, I WAS bored and there were some people I'd LOVE to get the chance to haunt. Well, at least it would kill time. I quickly skimmed the chapter and figured out how to transport myself to County.
Before I knew it I was standing in the hallway at County. Well, County really hadn't been my first choice, but I didn't have a spiritual connection to Brad Pitt's house, so I couldn't go there. Besides, I had the "unfinished business" that this book had said was necessary to go haunting.
Anyway, I soon found myself in the hallway at County. I took a look around, everyone was doing their own thing, not ONE person seemed to miss me. Well, isn't THAT just great? I didn't have much of a temper while I was alive, but a lot of things have changed since that bastard killed me. How DARE they forget me? So the question was who to get revenge on first. Obviously that nut Sobricki would have been my first choice, but I didn't think he was around. I floated past admit and noticed Carter's name on the board. Oh, of course, CARTER gets to live. Meanwhile, I'm stuck somewhere else being bored for eternity. Well, Carter was going to get a bit of a scare. Hell, maybe I could even haunt him for years. That could be fun. After all, I was already dead, what could he do to me?
I found Carter asleep in the suture room, bastard. He should have died instead of me. Hmm, now how could I start? I got an idea quickly and began to rattle some bedpans. Carter stirred a bit but stayed asleep. I decided that Sleeping Beauty here needed a good wake up call. I grabbed a reflex hammer and a metal bedpan, then put them both next to his ear and decided to make as much noise as I could.
"Rise and shine, Carter!" I called out angrily.
Carter did finally come to at this point. He blinked for a second. "Am I dreaming? I mean, this is a weird dream..."
"You're not dreaming, you jackass, you're being haunted" I sneered. God, he was still as stupid as ever.
"Haunted?" He raised an eyebrow. "Whatever, nights" Then he closed his eyes again.
"GET THE FUCK UP YOU JERK!" I said throwing the bedpan at him. God, Carter didn't even know how to be haunted correctly.
"Oww!" Carter whined as the bedpan grazed his head. "What'd you do that for?"
"Uh, hello? I'm dead, you're not." I said tapping on his forehead wondering if they'd removed his brain to save his life or what.
"Big deal. Get lost" He then rolled over and closed his eyes again.
"Get LOST? Uh, I don't think so, you're being HAUNTED, you moron" I said in frustration as Carter began to drift off to sleep again
"Well, I'm tired, so haunt me quietly, okay?" He mumbled as he fell asleep again.
"DAMN YOU!" I shoved him with all my might and he ended up on the floor.
"Lucy, this is getting annoying" Carter said, pulling himself to his feet.
"It's supposed to be SCARY, Carter" I rolled my eyes in disgust at him. God, he could be so dense.
"Yeah, well, you're not scary. You're just annoying. Hell, you always WERE annoying. Why did I think death would have changed you?" He brushed his pants off and sat back down on the gurney.
"BOO!" I screamed in his ear.
He flinched a little at the noise. "Boo? God, is that the best you can do? You're even more pathetic as a ghost than you were as a med student."
Lucy glared at her former teacher. "Well, pathetic or not, annoying or not, I'm NOT leaving and I'm going to torture you." I smirked triumphantly. I so had him, and there wasn't anything he could do about it.
"Nope, you won't" Carter said getting to his feet.
"Oh, what ya going to do, Carter? Call Ghostbusters on me?" I taunted him.
"Now, why would I need to do a silly thing like that Lucy?" Carter smirked at me and headed off for admit.
I floated along behind him, wondering what he was up to.
Carter walked up to Mark then; "We've got a code slime," he told the attending in a low voice.
"Are you sure?" Mark asked raising an eyebrow.
"Take a look" Carter said gesturing at me. "Lucy's decide to annoy us from beyond the grave"
I went up to Mark and started to rub his bald head.
"Cut that out" Mark said trying to shoo me. "Only Elizabeth is allowed to do that. You do NOT want to upset my wife"
Carter laughed at that thought then said, "I'll put out the code slime page"
"Code slime, what the hell is that? You're going to dump some green gunk on me like that show on Nickelodeon?" I was getting curious to see what he was up to, and also incredibly frustrated that neither of them was being the least bit scared.
"Oh, you'll see, Lucy, you'll see" Carter grinned then and winked at Mark.
Just then, Dave Malucci approached the desk. "Hey, Guys, what's -" His eyes widened and his jaw dropped when he saw me.
Oooh, someone was finally scared of me. I leaned in close to Dave and whispered in his ear, "Boo!"
"Yaagh!" Dave screamed as he wet himself.
Mark and Carter started laughing hysterically at this. Mark put a hand on his back then, "See why we didn't let you be on the team, Dr. Dave?"
"I...I... Ga...ghost!" Dave whimpered.
"Nah, that's only Lucy, Dave" Carter said reassuringly "All she'll do is annoy the shit out of you"
"When... when's the team coming?" Malucci trembled.
"Soon, Dr. Dave, soon." Mark replied. He noted Dave's wet scrub pants then "Why don't you go get changed?"
Dave nodded meekly and headed off down the hallway.
"So, who's on this team, obviously you two dorks" I said with a grin.
Mark and Carter, like I had any reason to be afraid of THEM. "Going to have Kovac beat my head against the wall?"
"No, Luka's only effective on killing the living." Carter rolled his eyes and then grinned as Benton and Kerry came down the hallway.
"Ooh, Peter Benton, I'm shaking" I said walking up to Benton and tapping him on the shoulder. "Oh, and Kerry Weaver... big deal"
All four reached under the counter then and pulled out these large packs.
"Okay, everyone, make sure you have it set for ANNOYING ghosts" Carter said glaring at me as he put on his pack.
"What the hell are those?" I said as I watched the four don something that looked like a cross between a backpack and a vacuum cleaner.
'Oh, surely, you've seen Ghostbusters, Lucy" Mark replied with a grin "THESE are proton packs. Malik, the music please."
Malik nodded and switched on the CD, which began to immediately play the theme from the Ghostbusters.
"Can't we play 'Shaft' instead, the Ghostbusters are so dorky" Peter complained.
"NO, Shaft doesn't exterminate ghosts, so it's either the Ghostbusters or the theme from Scooby Doo, now put your damn pack on" Kerry commanded.
"Shaft could kick the crap out of a ghost. Shaft's a bad mother - " Benton began
"Shut your mouth" Kerry ordered.
"I'm just talking about Shaft." He complained.
"Let's get this over with, I don't want to have to look at her" Carter said interrupting the squabble.
I rolled my eyes, these guys were SO pathetic. Benton was trying to do his best Shaft impression. Mark was doing some kind of calculations. Kerry was charging her pack, and Carter... well; Carter was just smirking at me. God, that was infuriating.
"Okay, ready?" Kerry asked looking at the other three.
"Let's do it" The three replied eagerly.
"Do what? Look like complete dorks?" I said laughing.
All of a sudden, I was hit with this bright beam of light, and I found myself being sucked through a vortex.
I landed in the middle of a cement floor.
"Welcome" A woman with a Polish accent greeted me.
"Who are you?" I asked, pulling myself to my feet.
"I am Bogda-" She began
"She's Bob" Maggie Doyle spoke up and then came over to me. "So you got zapped too, huh, Luce?"
"Uh, I guess?" I replied "What IS this place?"
"Well, the official name is the ER Protonated Termination Area, but we just call it the Land of the Bobbed, after Bob, here" Maggie explained. "Don't look so frightened, Jerry's here, along with a couple of other people you might have seen in passing."
"How?" I asked my mind spinning.
"Well, usually they have Luka kill you and then they zap your ghost" Maggie said with a shrug "In your case, all they had to do was zap you though"
"Is there any way out?" I asked looking around at the dank surroundings.
"Nope, not unless they mention your name, but that NEVER happens" She said with a shrug.
"I have been here many years" Bob noted sadly. "They will never say my name"
"Haven't you ever noticed how they don't talk about anyone who's left?" Maggie asked
"Well, now that you mention it..." I began thoughtfully.
"Yup, so we're basically stuck, but hey, Jerry might entertain you. He's been keeping us entertained since he pissed the hell out of Weaver that day" She called over to the former desk clerk "Isn't that right, Jerry?"
"Anyone want to see me dress as a kangaroo?" Jerry asked hopefully.
"NO!" The others chorused back.
I sighed. Well, on the bright side, this wouldn't be so boring.