Behind The Mask




Peter finally had his chance to see Carter and when he arrived in the room he found Carter asleep. Settling himself into the nearest chair, Peter sat there, thinking. He was still feeling a little stunned about hearing that Carter had tried to kill himself. It really shouldn't have surprised him though, not after what had happened at the restaurant when Roland had called. What a way to spend a birthday, Peter thought. And now Roland was acting as if he cared. Hell, maybe he did. Peter knew that he was still finding it tough to be an outwardly caring father to Reese. He loved his son dearly and would even die for him, but Peter knew that he didn't find it easy to show his emotions. Maybe Roland Carter was the same way. Not John Carter though. Carter wore his emotions on his face and in his eyes. If Peter had seen Carter before the suicide attempt, then maybe he would have seen the desperation and resignation that had to have been there.

While Peter could understand why the others were upset that Carter was under observation on the Psych Ward, he couldn't really argue with Chelsey Davis about it. Just because Carter discovered while he was dying that he wanted to live was no reason to ignore the fact that he had wanted to die so badly that he went into the water in the first place. It was mere chance that the woman fell into the pond, distracting Carter from his deadly intent. While Peter didn't like to wish bad things upon people, he found himself glad that the woman had that accident since it saved Carter's life.

The door opened and Peter looked to see who was entering the room. He smiled when he saw that it was Chelsey Davis.

"How is he doing?" she asked.

"Medically or emotionally?" Peter responded.

"Both."

Peter shrugged, then told her what Laenger had told him and Robert after the surgery was completed. "As for his emotional state, I haven't had a chance to talk with him yet. Everyone else has seen him though and they said he was upbeat and relieved to be pain free."

"That's good. I wasn't sure how he would react once he woke up in here."

"I don't think he's happy about it, but he's not being unreasonable."

"I'm never unreasonable," John said.

Peter and Chelsey both jumped at the sound of his voice, and they both looked guilty for being caught talking about him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," Peter said.

John used the controls to raise the bed. "That's okay. One drawback to this paralysis thing is not being able to roll over. I hate sleeping on my back. It drove me crazy when I had that anterior dislocation and was stuck on my back." John then grinned, "Maybe 'crazy' wasn't the best word to use, huh?"

"I'm glad that you're in a joking mood," Chelsey replied, "But what you tried to do is not a joking matter."

John sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "And I have told you, over and over again, that I don't want to die anymore. I want to live. Isn't that good enough for you?"

"No. We need to address the fact that you felt suicidal in the first place." Chelsey sat down in the other chair, apparently ready to talk.

Peter felt a little out of place in the room. "I should go so the two of you can talk."

"No," John quickly said. "Don't go. Please?"

Peter saw the anxiousness in Carter's eyes and he nodded. "I'll stay for as long as you want me here, Carter."

"Thank you." John smiled with relief.

"If having Doctor Benton here keeps you from speaking freely with me, then I will have to ask him to leave," Chelsey calmly informed him.

"You can't do that. You don't work here." John angrily replied.

"That may be true, but the Attending who is going to evaluate you is just down the hallway and he'll back me up with this. So, are you going to be totally honest with me?"

"Get out," John didn't feel as understanding as he had before. If he had to choose between her and Benton, then he was going to choose Benton. And he certainly wasn't going to bare his soul in front of the man.

When Chelsey didn't move to leave, John suddenly felt helpless and vulnerable. With his legs paralyzed, he couldn't get out of bed to force her to leave. And that scared him. He was so damn tired of feeling scared.

"I told you to get out, and I meant it." John said. He would warn her, then he would...well, he didn't know what he would do, but he was going to do something.

"No." Chelsey replied.

That did it for John. He had had enough of having his feelings ignored and he blindly reached out for something to throw. Luckily for Chelsey Davis, the water pitcher was made of plastic and when it hit the wall behind her head, she only ended up wet. Chelsey was used to ducking when confronting patients, and she had seen the pitcher coming. She ducked again as the tissue box sailed in the air toward her.

She saw Peter starting to get to his feet, probably with the intention of restraining John and she shook her head. "No. Let him alone."

Peter looked from an enraged John Carter to a calm Chelsey Davis and decided to sit back down -- for now. He didn't see anything particularly heavy or dangerous within Carter's reach, so Peter figured that Chelsey was safe for the moment.

"Get out," John screamed at her, having to resort to pushing the rolling table in her direction and wishing he had a phone in his room that he could throw. And why was Peter just sitting there? Why wasn't he making her go?

"Both of you, get out," John screamed at them.

"I don't think so, John," Chelsey said.

John looked around, but couldn't find anything else to throw. Feeling frustrated at his inability to get them to leave, he let his head drop to the pillow, shutting his eyes tightly. If only he could get up and make them leave, he thought again. But he couldn't. He squeezed his eyes tighter, determined to not cry in front of them.

"Carter, you need to listen to Doctor Davis," Peter gently said. "She's only trying to help you heal." When he received no answer, Peter continued, "It upsets us that you felt as if you were better off dead. We aren't putting down the fact that you realized you were wrong about that and decided to live. But we don't want you to end up back in that place, Carter."

"I won't," John tersely replied.

"Are you so sure about that, John? During our first session, you told me that you weren't suicidal, but that didn't stop you from trying to kill yourself, did it?" Chelsey asked.

John remembered telling her that. At that time, despite the fear that he felt over being left alone in Atlanta to deal with his addiction, John had not felt suicidal. Not that day, at least. When did he start feeling that way, he wondered? Not that it really mattered. He didn't feel that way now, and that was what counted, right?

He opened his eyes when he heard a rustling noise and he saw that Chelsey had gotten to her feet.

"I think that I had better leave now. I do hope that you'll talk with Doctor Ashkira. He's a good man and he listens very well." Chelsey turned to Peter, "Thanks."

Peter nodded, but he didn't move to leave. He wasn't leaving Carter unless the psychiatric Attending made him leave. It was obvious to him that Carter didn't need to be left alone.

John watched Chelsey leave, then he looked hard at Peter. "So are you going to start in on me, too?"

Peter shook his head. "No. I don' think there's anything more to be said, Carter. Except that I'm glad you're alive."

John looked away from Peter, blinking hard against his tears. After spending so many years believing that only a handful of people cared about him, hearing that sentiment was unnerving. First it had been his father telling him that and now Peter Benton. Sure, Benton had taken care of him in February and then brought him to Atlanta, but John had not counted on a showing of friendship from the man. That's why he had been so surprised when Benton kept his promise and returned for his birthday.

Peter could sense Carter's unease, but he didn't know what he could say to make him feel better. "Why don't you try to take a nap? I'm sure that you've still got the anesthetic in your system and it will do you good to sleep it off."

John nodded, then closed his eyes. He didn't feel sleepy, but trying to go to sleep was a lot better than hearing that people really did care about him. It was better than trying to remember what his life had been like before Valentine's Day.

***********************************

When he landed in Chicago, Robert wasn't as tired as he had expected to feel. He decided that in order to be properly prepared for his morning meeting, he would stop by his office to pick up a few reports that he had not yet thoroughly read. And if that little stop also took him down to the ER, well, then he couldn't be held responsible if someone asked him where he'd been, right?

So, with the folders in his briefcase, Robert stepped off of the elevator and into the quiet ER. He went to the admit desk, seeing who was on duty. Kerry was on, but not Mark. Shame. It would have been nice to get a few zingers in on both of them at the same time. Still, he would have a chance to harangue Mark tomorrow.

"Good evening, Doctor Finch." Robert said as the woman approached the desk.

Cleo smiled and nodded. "Good evening, Doctor Romano. What brings you down to the ER?"

Robert saw Kerry approaching the desk and he waited until he was in earshot before replying.

"I needed to pick up a few files for a meeting that I'm having tomorrow. Being out of town set me back on a few things."

Kerry raised her eyebrows at him, but she didn't say anything. 'Darn it,' Robert thought, 'Isn't anyone going to ask me where I was?'

Dave Malucci approached the desk then and he made Robert's day complete. "Doctor Romano, we haven't seen you in a few days. Where've you been?"

"I was in Atlanta visiting John Carter." Robert smiled inwardly at the shocked look on Kerry's face. He wasn't quite expecting the shocked look on the faces of Finch and Malucci. So, there were more people in on the secret than he realized. This was going to be good. So very good.

"Is that where Carter went?" Dave asked after a few moments of silence.

"Yes. He had surgery today on his back and it looks as if he'll be pain free in that area from now on. Benton was also there and he's staying for a while longer. It won't be too much longer before we have Doctor Carter back with us. Good night, everyone." Robert headed toward the door, then turned back around to look at Kerry.

"Kerry, I'd like to meet with you and Mark sometime tomorrow. You can check with my secretary to see when I'll be free. And if you see Donald Anspaugh, let him know that he should be in that meeting as well." That was going to be the important meeting, and Robert still didn't know how he was going to bring up the fact that Donald had been the one prescribing medication to Carter.

The three doctors watched Robert leave, each of them feeling more than a little apprehensive.

"He knows," Dave said.

"He didn't say that," Kerry replied. "Carter did have back surgery today, so he might only know about that."

Cleo and Dave exchanged knowing glances, then Cleo shook her head at Kerry. "You should call Mark and warn him that Romano knows why Carter is in Atlanta. Now, if only we knew what he planned on doing about it, then we could all breathe a little easier. I just don't understand why Peter didn't call and let us know that Romano was down there, too."

"That's a very good question, Cleo. I guess we'll just have to wait until he calls again to ask it. As far as Romano is concerned, the two of you don't have anything to worry about. I was the one who made the decision to keep Romano out of the loop on this, and I'll take the blame for it. What can he do, suspend me again? I survived it before and I'll survive it again." Kerry walked away.

"She survived it all right, but what if Romano wants to suspend Carter?" Dave asked.

Cleo shook her head. Neither one of them wanted to see that happening to Carter. They wanted him to come back to County clean, healthy and healed. That wouldn't happen if Romano nailed him to the wall.



Part 11
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