Behind The Mask




Robert gestured at the bench across from Carter. "May I join you?"

"Sure." John closed his book, not caring about marking the page where he stopped reading.

Robert sat down. "I want to apologize to you, Doctor Carter."

John blinked. "What for?"

"For not watching over you properly. I should have insisted that you receive psychiatric counseling before allowing you to return to work. All of this could have been prevented if I had done that."

"It wouldn't have mattered, Doctor Romano. I didn't want to talk about things. I still don't, but they don't give me much choice around here."

"I imagine they don't. Still, if we had been keeping a closer watch on you, then we could have picked up on the fact that you were having problems."

"It's hard to pick up on things like that when I was constantly telling people I was fine." John looked away for a moment, then looked Romano in the eyes. "Are you here to tell me that I'm fired after all?"

Robert shook his head. "No. I might go back to County and fire Kerry and Mark for not telling me about this, but I'm not here to punish you. You've been doing enough of that to yourself. I'm here to try to convince you to see Doctor Laenger and at least let him examine you to see if you're a candidate for that experimental surgery."

John shook his head. "I don't want that."

"You like being in pain all the time?"

Again, John shook his head, and when he spoke, his voice was soft. "No. I don't like it at all. It gets in the way at work, limits what I can easily do. I can't do a simple intubation without needing to have the table raised."

"Then why not see Laenger? Put an end to the pain, or at least to most of it?"

"I have no right to do that. I only overmedicated when I needed to work, and not at any other time. I owed it to my patients and co-workers to be able to pull my own weight in the E.R."

"You owe it to yourself and to your patients to be as healthy and clear headed as possible. And you do have the right to live your life without pain."

"I'm alive, that's enough, right?"

"No, it's not enough, Doctor Carter. Not enough at all. Peter and Donald didn't save your life so you could just exist. They saved your life so you could continue to live."

"Lucy didn't get to live, did she? And that's my fault. Why should I complain about my pain when she's dead and will never get to feel anything at all?"

"We investigated the situation around the attack. You were not found to be at fault, Doctor Carter...John. A lot of people dropped the ball that day, Ms. Knight included. You shouldn't blame yourself. I was right there when she died, and I couldn't save her. Neither could Lizzie. I don't blame myself for that. I blame Paul Sobriki for stabbing her."

"He was ill, not in control of his actions. I should have seen that he was capable of violence and I missed it. I wasn't paying enough attention to him. I forced Lucy to continue with the spinal tap when the Ativan didn't put him out. That was wrong. He thought we were stabbing him. Doctor DeRaad even confirmed that for me." John shook his head, a faraway look in his eyes as he remembered that day. "I killed Lucy."

Robert sighed, irritated that he couldn't make Carter see reason on this. He had to force himself to remember that people suffering from PTSD didn't see that they were being unreasonable in their fears and beliefs. "Fine. I can't convince you that you didn't. But, don't you think you've suffered enough, John? It's time to put an end to the suffering."

"I've thought about that, even since I got here," John's voice was so soft that Robert barely heard him, but he could see that Hank had been wrong about Carter not being suicidal. Very wrong. He would need to mention this to Hank. He had meant it when he vowed that he wouldn't lose Carter. "But, I figured that was taking the easy way out, right? I should suffer for what I did."

"I wasn't talking about suicide, John. I was talking about seeing Laenger. I want you to see him. Get examined. For all we know, you might not be a good candidate for the surgery, but we don't know for sure until he can examine you."

"Are you now going to threaten to fire me if I don't go?"

"No. This has to be something you want." Robert watched Carter for a few silent moments. "Is that how they got you to agree to come here? Did Kerry threaten you?"

John shook his head. "It was Mark. But, that's not why I came. I quit and walked out. I couldn't see that they were right. Benton came after me, insisting that I get in Mark's van to go to the airport and to come here. I refused. Then he said something about Chase...and I hit him. And that's when the truth hit me -- I was a drug addict, just as they said. And yes, I stole drugs from work, just as they feared. I know that telling you that probably isn't the wisest career move I've ever made, but it's the truth. I'm tired of hiding behind the lies. I've told so many lies these past months. Lies to my family, my friends. Myself."

"It's not a dumb career move, John. I'm glad that you're willing to admit it. Just don't go around admitting it to too many people. As long as you complete this program and stay drug free, then it won't matter. No one will be looking over your shoulder. I can promise you that." Robert made a mental note to have a meeting with Kerry and Mark as soon as he returned to Chicago. He wanted to know exactly what happened that day with Carter and with the intervention. Who was there and why. He also wanted to thank Peter for making Carter face the truth and for coming with him to Atlanta. When the attack had happened, he had seen how much Peter cared about Carter. Talking with Donald, he had later learned that Carter had been Peter's student for several years. Had been a surgical intern until he talked Donald into letting him switch residencies. Robert had tried to remember if he had ever seen Carter on the surgical floor, but he couldn't. Not that Robert had been around County much that year. And it wasn't as if interns interested him all that much. Not unless they had nice breasts and shapely legs.

"The hard part was going home to pack. Telling my grandparents where I was going and why. They took it a whole lot better than my parents."

Robert had nothing to say to that. He had seen Carter's parents once -- it had been the only day they had bothered to come to the hospital to see Carter. Robert couldn't believe it the next day when he heard that Carter's parents had only spent a few hours with him before leaving the country again. "Have you heard from them?"

"Gamma calls me every day. Sometimes my grandfather will get on one of the other phones to talk. I guess that after Chase, they figure that this isn't the worst thing that could happen."

"Who's Chase? You mentioned him before, when you said that Peter said something about him. Something that made you angry enough to hit him." Robert would have liked to have seen that. Having John Carter hit him must have been a shock for Peter.

"Chase is my cousin. Several years ago I accidentally discovered that he was using heroin. He claimed that it was occasional and he begged me to not tell our grandparents about it. I kept my mouth shut. Then later, it was apparent that he was an addict. Guess it runs in the family, huh? I wanted him to go to a rehab facility, but he refused. He wanted to get clean, but only at home. Finally, I relented. I went to his apartment and, with the help of another doctor, detoxed him. Everything was fine for a while. Then, the paramedics brought him in. He and some other junkies had been messing around with a very potent strain of heroin and Chase was unconscious. He had been down for over twenty minutes, not breathing. I wouldn't let him go. I made him stay. As a result of oxygen deprivation, he suffered a lot of brain damage. He went from being a man who loved to draw and take photographs to a man who can't handle a pencil, let alone a camera. He's in a home where he can be taken care of twenty-four hours a day. His parents rarely come to see him, not that they're often in the states anyway. When Benton asked what would happen to me next week -- would I be dead? Or worse? Like Chase, a Gork babbling in some nursing home? I saw then that I was like Chase. Lying to myself. I should have done with Chase what they all did with me -- made him get help. Maybe then he'd be whole now. Instead, I let him hide from the truth and then when it was too late for him, I didn't let him go. I should have let him go."

Robert didn't know what to say about that. It was obvious that Carter carried a lot of guilt on his shoulders from that as well as Lucy Knight's death. Looking back at what he knew of Carter's career in the E.R., he could see a number of cases where Carter would feel guilt. There were a lot of things he needed to speak to Hank about. It was beginning to look as if he needed to stay in Atlanta for a few days.

"We have a hard time letting patients go. Ms. Knight was down for a long time, and if we would have been able to revive her, she would have had a lot of problems. But, we still tried. It's not in us to let go."

"Yeah."

Robert heard the faint sound of a bell and saw people heading toward the main building. "Dinner call?"

John nodded. He wasn't hungry, but they made him eat anyway. Not everything on his plate, but they did insist that he eat. "Yeah. I have to go. They'll come looking for me if I don't show up in the cafeteria."

"I'll walk with you."

They started off in the same direction as the others. Robert couldn't help but notice that Carter was limping again. If he had been taking enough medication to cover that, then Hank was right when he said that Carter was lucky he hadn't accidentally overdosed.

"Will you at least think about seeing Doctor Laenger?"

"I'll think about it some more, but I'm not going to make any promises."

"I guess I won't ask for more than that right now. I'll let you get to your dinner, but I'll see you later."

"You aren't going back to Chicago tonight?"

"No. I haven't been to Atlanta before. I think I'll hang around for a few days and check out the sights. I'll see you this evening."

John nodded. "Okay. Thank you for coming to see me. And for not coming down here to fire me." He managed a small smile.

It wasn't a typical Carter smile, Robert thought, but it was a start. It was the first smile that had crossed Carter's face during their conversation. Robert stood on the sidewalk and watched Carter disappear into the building, then he headed for the administration building. Maybe he and Hank could go out to dinner and talk. He stopped short though when he saw Peter Benton walking toward him. He did have the satisfaction of seeing that Benton looked shocked to see him.

"Well, Peter. What a surprise. What brings you down here?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing."

"I was called down here to see if I could convince Doctor Carter to see a specialist about his back pain. You?"

"Tomorrow is Carter's birthday. I thought that I would see if I could get permission to take him off the premises for the day. His grandparents came down with me. But, if we can't take him out, then we'll spend the day here."

"His parents didn't come."

Peter shook his head. "No."

"Carter just went in to eat dinner and I was on my way to talk some more with Hank Stephenson. Why don't you come with me and we'll see about getting that permission for tomorrow? Then Hank and I can fill you in on the situation with Carter's back. Where are his grandparents?"

"They stayed at the hotel. His grandfather is finding a way to mix business with this trip and has arranged a dinner for tonight. But, he's going to give Carter all of his time tomorrow, so that's something, I guess."

"Yeah, it's something all right. Come on."



Part 3
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