Behind The Mask




From the way Denny Gant was greeted as they entered the bar, John knew that it was a favorite hangout for the man. And that surprised him. He never heard Dennis refer to his father as a drinking man, and even when John had met him after Dennis died, he didn't have the impression that the man would hang around a bar. Still, people did change. Hell, his own parents had changed after Bobby died, why wouldn't the same thing happen to Denny?

They sat down in a booth and Denny ordered two beers, then leaned forward, his elbows firmly planted on the table.

"I had just hung up from speaking with Doctor Benton when you called," he said.

John dropped his gaze to the table, feeling ashamed of the way he had behaved. "Is he meeting us here?"

"No. I haven't called him back yet. Doctor Benton didn't go into a lot of detail when he called. He asked if I had heard from you, and when I said that I hadn't, he explained that you were in Atlanta for medical reasons. He told me that you had left the hospital without permission and that if I did hear from you or see you, then he wanted me to call him. He left a lot of numbers. He was very upset. I could tell that much over the phone. What's going on, John?"

"I don't know. I...I was injured back in February," John said. "It was serious and I've had a lot of physical pain since then. So much so that I ended up relying on my pain medication too much. It reached the point where I was taking drugs from work and using them. I was caught and sent here to a rehab clinic. Luckily for me, I wasn't so far gone that I had to go through a de-tox, but they still won't leave me alone. There's some surgeon here in Atlanta who does a special nerve surgery to treat severe pain and they want me to see him. The two psychiatrists working with me want me to talk about everything and not just about what happened in February. I don't know what they think about me and I have no idea when I'm going to be allowed to go back to Chicago. And once I can go home, I don't know if I can ever go back to the hospital to work. Aside from that, everything's fine." John looked up with a small smile on his face.

"I know that surgery is a tough field, but when I met you, you didn't look like a quitter to me."

"You were wrong. I quit surgery. I never made it through that first year. I switched to emergency medicine. I've been very happy doing that. Until this year."

Denny shook his head. "I still don't understand why any of that would make you leave the hospital without permission."

"I was given permission to leave the clinic. Today's my birthday and Doctor Benton and my grandparents came down here to help me celebrate it. As if I feel like celebrating being alive after all that's happened." John scoffed. "While we were in the restaurant, my Dad called. He asked my grandfather all kinds of questions about me, but he wouldn't speak to me. He did come to the hospital back when I was first injured, but he didn't stay longer than one day. As usual, he had important meetings to attend. I try to not feel bitter about that. I mean, I am a grown man and I have my own life. I can't expect him or my Mom to drop everything and come running just because I had a small accident."

Denny nodded, looking as if he was in thought. Finally he said, "Dennis wrote us a lot. He was lonely for home and missed having me to talk things over with. He was very grateful that he had you as a friend, John. He mentioned you often. And he mentioned your parents. I don't think that you have unrealistic expectations regarding your parents."

"Thank you." John looked back down at the table. "But, Dennis was wrong about me. He would have been better off if he had never met me. He might still be alive if that had never happened."

"You shouldn't think things like that, John. It isn't good for you."

"It's the truth, sir. I wasn't a very good friend to Dennis. Toward the end, I was distant. His last night...well, things didn't go well for him that night. I know the police ruled that his death was accidental, but I still blame myself for it."

"I never believed that it was an accident." Denny took a long drink of his beer. "I wanted to believe it. I did all that I could to make my wife believe it. But I never did. The facts didn't add up right for his death to be an accident. He was supposed to be working in the Emergency Room that morning, going there directly from his night shift. Why was he on the train platform?"

"He was there because he had been betrayed. By me, Monique and even Doctor Benton."

"You would never betray Dennis."

John nodded. "I did. Believe me, I did. I'm not proud of how I behaved in the last months of Dennis' life. But, I can't turn back the hands of time to make things right. All I can do is try to make sure I don't make the same mistakes. And so far, I haven't. I just keep making new ones. But, they still end up killing people. I became a doctor because I wanted to help people, but all I keep doing is hurting them instead. Killing them."

"I don't know anything about that. All I can tell you is that Dennis treasured your friendship. Toward the end, he wrote to me that he felt he was taking advantage of your friendship by dumping all his problems on you. He didn't like doing that, but he said that you would always listen. That meant a lot to him, John."

"I didn't listen that last night," John said. His eyes were sad as he looked across the table at Denny. "He wanted to talk and I blew him off. I lied to him by saying I had charts to finish and I didn't. I was so tired of hearing about Monique. But, he needed to talk about her. I should have seen how much he needed that."

"What that girl did to my son is something she will have to live with for the rest of her life. She strung him along for months after she started seeing someone else. If she would have broken up with Dennis earlier, then maybe he would have handled it better." Denny had never gotten over being upset with Monique and the harsh tone of his voice gave testament to that.

John shrugged. "We'll never know, will we?"

"No, we won't. So, do you want me to call Doctor Benton? Have him meet us here? Or I can take you over to the house and he can meet us there?"

"I'd prefer to not see him. I've let him down too many times. My grandparents, too. Would you be willing to take me back to the clinic?"

"Are you sure you want to be there?"

"No. I don't really have a choice though. Not if I want to go back to Chicago and have still have my job."

"Do you have an address for the clinic?"

John nodded. "I know where it is. Do we have to go now?"

"I think that would be best. You don't want them to get too worried about your disappearance, do you?"

John shook his head. "No, I don't." John pushed away the beer he had barely touched and got to his feet. "Thank you."

"I'm glad you called me, John. And for however long you stay in Atlanta, I want you to know that my wife and I are here for you. We'd love to have you come over for dinner some night."

"I'd like that. Provided they ever let me out again." John managed to laugh, but he was truly afraid that Doctor Stephenson would never again give him permission to leave the grounds. Yet, despite his fear of being trapped at the clinic, he found himself hoping that he would be kept there. He was safe at the clinic and he knew that while there he couldn't hurt anyone else.

"Let's go." Denny left money on the table for their drinks, then led John back to his car.

***********************************************

As soon as they had left the restaurant, the small group had split up so they could be more effectual in finding John. Robert had gone with Peter, while Chelsey had gone with Matthew and Millicent Carter. If John were spotted, the others would be called on a cell phone. God knows we have enough cell phones between us, Robert thought as he headed down an alley.

"He wouldn't go there," Peter said, watching from the sidewalk.

"He's trying to run away, Peter. Of course he would go somewhere like this. It's dark and there are plenty of places where he could hide."

"Carter doesn't like the dark much anymore." Peter's tone of voice reminded Robert of how dark it had been in Curtain Three the night John and Lucy Knight were stabbed. Robert still felt a pang in his heart when he thought about the young medical student. She had been spunky and he liked that about her. Still, it had come as a shock to him when he heard about what had happened and he stood in his office with his heart in his throat, unable to move for a few minutes as he envisioned Lucy Knight still and bleeding on the floor. It still made him pause, but he was slowly getting over it. How much tougher it must be for John Carter, who had to lie there on the floor and watch her bleed out, Robert thought. It was a wonder the man could function at all.

Robert had never been faced with anything like that. He didn't have a life-threatening trauma to blame his drug dependence upon. That had been a choice he made when he had felt overwhelmed as an intern. Too many shifts in a row? Reach for the pills. Reach for the syringe. Reach for anything. It had been Hank who had confronted him about his drug dependence, convincing him he needed help before he ended up killing himself. Robert knew he owed Hank a huge debt of thanks for that. And so much more because Hank hadn't gone to his attendings with the information. Robert had felt bad enough about himself with just his friend knowing. He couldn't imagine what it would have been like to have had to face his supervisors and peers, the way John had. He knew that if he had been in John's shoes, then he would be too ashamed to face them ever again. Maybe too ashamed to face anyone. So he continued to search the alley for a sign of John.

Robert was torn between feeling scared that Carter had run away and angry over it. Angry because he had assured Hank and the others that Carter would be fine. He could still hear Chelsey's words of warning in his mind and he knew that she was fully justified in objecting to the outing. Still, no one could have predicted that Carter's father would call. Everything had been fine up to that point. While Robert had been paying attention to his lunch companion, he was keeping his eye on Carter and had seen that he was having a good time and enjoying himself. He had even been smiling.

Joining Peter on the sidewalk, Robert looked down the street back toward the restaurant. "Well, we've covered four blocks. Do you think we should go any further in this direction? Maybe he went down a side street?"

Peter looked thoughtful. "That's possible. He would know that we'd be looking for him. There aren't many places he can go. He doesn't have any money and he doesn't know the city."

"Those can be good things, Peter. He can't just disappear on us. He has to be somewhere in this vicinity. And we don't have to worry about him finding a dealer and..."

"Don't even think something like that," Peter snapped. "He's got to be okay."

"Peter, I'm not going to even try to figure out what's going on in his head right now. But, he's not okay. He may not be actively suicidal, but I think the potential is there. The quicker we find him, the happier I'll be. I just wish that his father would drop off the face of the earth and make the world a much better place to live," Robert said.

"I didn't know that you'd ever met Roland Carter." Peter started walking down the side street and Robert fell into step beside him.

"I met him briefly when they came to see Carter after he was stabbed. I didn't care much for the man then and I care even less about him now. What about you? Have you ever met him?" Robert asked.

"I met him at the same time, with the same reaction. Once he heard that Carter was going to be all right he decided that he didn't need to stay in Chicago."

"I noticed that. And his wife wasn't much better. She just sat there with a blank look on her face. It was almost as if she were bored by being there." Robert shook his head as he remembered that day.

"That wasn't his wife. That was his secretary. Carter's mother didn't come to the hospital. Roland said she was busy with something or another in Paris and couldn't get away. He kept her informed of what was going on."

"You're kidding me, right? Carter was almost killed by a psycho. What kind of mother would stay away after something like that?"

"I have no idea, and I really have no interest in ever finding out. It wasn't until a few days later that his grandmother showed back up. At least she came when Kerry first called her. She just didn't stay around to speak with Carter. And his grandfather never came to see him," Peter said.

Robert shook his head. "And people say that I'm a cold bastard."

"Not cold. Mean."

"Gee, Peter, thanks for being truthful. Makes me feel a whole better about myself."

"As if you ever gave a damn what anyone ever thought about you."

Robert stopped and looked up at Peter. "Actually, there was a time when I did. But I got over it. Anyway, it's not as if that's something foreign to you, Peter. You very rarely give a damn about anyone."

"That's not true." Peter said. "I do care about a lot of people. It's just that somehow, a long time ago, I learned to not show it." He shrugged. "I dunno, maybe it started when my Dad died. I worshipped my father, but it didn't keep him from leaving me."

Robert could feel a sarcastic quip welling inside, but he bit his tongue. He knew what Peter meant. Not trusting himself to speak, Robert nodded.

Both men suddenly felt awkward over what they had just said to each other. Uncomfortable with the knowledge that they might have more in common than they ever imagined.

"Enough of this psycho babble. Let's find Carter," Peter said as he lengthened his stride. It wasn't an idea that Robert could argue with.

*************************************************

Hank Stephenson didn't know what to do about the patient who sat in front of his desk. John Carter looked contrite, but his words were anything but as he refused to apologize for leaving the restaurant. He was also insistent that Hank inform his family and friends to not bother coming back to the clinic. He didn't need or want to see them.

"It's your birthday, John. Do you really think that your grandparents are just going to leave Atlanta without coming by here to make sure that you're okay?"

"You can tell them that I'm fine. It's not a lie. Can I go to my room now?" John impatiently asked. He felt as if he were sitting in front of a school principal after being caught doing something wrong. Yes, he had left the restaurant, but he was back at the clinic and that was all that mattered. Neither Hank Stephenson nor anyone needed to know where he was. It wasn't any of their business. John had been willing to give them a urine sample for a drug test, but he still resented the fact that they, or rather, Doctor Stephenson, had felt it to be necessary.

"Yes. You can go back to your room. Don't forget that we have a therapy session this afternoon at four."

"I won't forget."

Hank waited until John had closed his door and then he picked up the phone to call Chelsey. He didn't think that Robert or Peter Benton would honor John's request that they not come back to the clinic. He hoped that John's grandparents wouldn't either. John needed to see that he had friends and relatives who cared about his welfare. It would mean a lot to John's self-esteem, something that Hank felt was rather shaky.

*********************************************

"Do you see any sign of Carter or anyone?" Peter called out to Robert. They were once more in an alley, but this time Peter was helping Robert look around.

"No. Nothing here but trash."

Peter's cell phone rang and he hurried to answer it. "Benton. When did that happen? Uh huh. I see. Yes, we'll head back now." He hung up and looked over at Robert, relief evident in his eyes.

"That was Chelsey Davis. Carter went back to the clinic about thirty minutes ago. He told Doctor Stephenson that he didn't want any of us coming back to the clinic to see him," Peter said.

"The Hell with that. I've got a few things to say to him. How could he put us through all of this and then order us away?" Now that his fear was proved to be unfounded, Robert's anger was able to take center stage.

"He can do it because he knows he was wrong and he doesn't want to face anyone."

"Well, we'll see about that. No resident is going to tell me where I can and cannot go." Robert stalked off.

Peter watched Robert, a smile slowly forming on his face. Carter was safe. Right now, that was what mattered the most. And it didn't hurt that he had now given them leverage for making him see Laenger about his back. Carter would not want Kerry or Mark to know about what happened today, and threatening to tell either one of them about his exploit would be just the thing to get Carter to do what they wanted. "Robert, wait up. I need to talk to you about something."

******************************************

Robert was used to dealing with volatile females. Lizzie was often quite vocal with her opinions, as was Shirley. He was also used to dealing with women who didn't dare contradict him in any situation. What he wasn't used to was a woman who spoke in a quiet voice, yet demanding of attention. Which is what was happening in Hank's office as they discussed Peter's plan to make Carter get his back examined by a specialist.

Peter had brought the subject up with Hank, but Chelsey and Doctor Maxwell were present as well. As were Carter's grandparents, who had refused to go to their hotel until they could see for themselves that Carter was physically all right. Hank had kept quiet as Robert gave Peter his support. When they were done talking, Hank had looked directly at Chelsey.

"It's your call," he said.

Chelsey coolly regarded first Robert and then Peter. "No."

"Chelsey, this is a golden opportunity to get him the help he needs..." Robert began to explain.

"I said no, Robert. I meant it." She then looked at the Carters. "And no one is going to see him today. He told Doctor Stephenson that he didn't want to see you and he's not going to be forced to see you. He doesn't want to see any of you."

"He didn't mean that, dear. He was upset at the time and spoke rashly," Millicent said.

Hank shook his head. "He wasn't upset. As a matter of fact, he was very calm. A little angry with me, but calm."

"You can try to see John tomorrow, but not today." Chelsey stood and headed for the door. "I'll let him know that all of you were concerned about him. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go speak with him." With that, she left.

"She has nerve, doesn't she?" Robert asked.

"She did advise us against letting John leave today," Hank reminded him.

"I know. But this is a golden opportunity to help him. He needs to have that exam. If it's possible to alleviate his pain then it should be done."

"Robert, I know that you're concerned for him, but this is a decision that has to be made by John. We can't force him into going. If so, then I wouldn't have bothered calling Chicago to get someone to come down here to try to talk him into it. We don't have to release him by a certain date and can certainly afford to take the time to work with John long enough to get past his feeling that he deserves to be in pain." Hank leaned back in his chair, his expression serious. "Let us have the chance to work with him."

Matthew Carter cleared his throat. "As much as I hate to say this, I agree with Doctor Stephenson. John obviously needs help and he should be given the opportunity to work through his problems. Forcing the issue would be detrimental. He's been forced to do so many things in his life, controlling his own pain should not be something added to the list."

Millicent nodded. She knew of only two people, maybe three people, who could possibly convince John to go to that specialist now. His parents had already made it plain how they felt, so she didn't think there was going to be much of a chance of getting them to come here to speak with John. Besides which, Roland would most likely end up giving John a lecture instead of simply sitting down and telling him how he really felt about him. The third person was John's sister Barbara, who was often reluctant to return to the States. Millicent knew that John and Barbara loved each other dearly and that John would listen to Barbara. She just wasn't sure if Barbara would be willing to fly to Atlanta to see him. She didn't know if Barbara had even been made aware of the current situation with her brother. Roland had been very adamant that John's "problem" not be openly discussed, something that she knew John would not agree with his father about.

Millicent stood and place her hand on her husband's shoulder. "We should get back to the hotel. We'll be back first thing in the morning to see John."

Matthew got to his feet, nodding. "Thank you for all that you've done for John. It means a lot to me, to us, to have him totally healthy. Doctor Benton? Can we give you a ride back to the hotel?"

"No, thank you. I'll catch a cab later," Peter replied.

After the Carters left, Robert felt like hitting something. Or someone. Roland Carter would have been a good target. Robert had been on edge from the moment he had found out that Carter had been sent here and the events of the day had not done much to quiet his unease. He was still scared for Carter, afraid of what he would do if he decided that he didn't deserve to live after all. Right now Robert felt helpless and he hated feeling that way. He liked to be in control of everything in his life, which was why he had made the choice of operating on Gretl rather than trust her life to a vet. It had caused a lot of ribbing from those in the O.R. with him that day, but doing the surgery himself had helped keep him in control. A control that didn't last very long that day. He had been checking on Gretl when the word had come up from the E.R. that two people had been stabbed. His attention had been riveted on Lucy Knight's name and he was on the way downstairs when he heard that she was already being brought up for surgery. He hadn't given John Carter a second thought. At least not until Lucy's surgery was finished, but Carter's wasn't. That was when Robert realized just how badly injured Carter had been. He almost barged his way into that surgery, but it was obvious that Donald and Peter had things under control. Besides which, Lucy would still need care. Not that he had done much to help her. Despite his best efforts, his feeble attempts to take control of the situation, she had died. There were times even now when he thought it would have been better for her to have had died in Curtain Three, or in the trauma room. Lucy Knight had regained consciousness and remembered what had happened to her. As a medical student about to graduate, she also knew what was happening with her after the first P.E. As she died, she knew the why and how of it. He could still see her face and Robert knew that it was something that would haunt him for the rest of his life. He had tried to save her and had failed. John Carter had looked at Lucy Knight in Curtain Three and knew she was dying. Robert knew that Carter's memory of the last time he saw Lucy had to be as haunting as his own was. How did he manage to handle that? Well, he had been over medicating, so maybe he had not been handling it.

"Robert? You with us?" Hank asked.

Robert looked up sharply suddenly aware that Peter and Hank had been having a conversation while his thoughts had been elsewhere. "Yeah. I was just thinking about something. Sorry."

"You know, if there's anything you want to talk about, I'm available. You too, Doctor Benton."

Peter nodded. "I appreciate that, but I'm fine."

"Are you? Didn't John keep telling everyone that he was fine?" Hank calmly asked. "You weren't stabbed by Paul Sobriki, but his actions have affected your life. Yours too, Robert. Neither one of you can deny that."

"No. You're right. What he did has been hard to handle at times. But, I'm not comfortable talking about it," Robert replied. Especially in front of Peter Benton, he silently added.

Peter was thinking the same thing. There was no way he was going to show any more of his weaknesses in front of Robert Romano. "I appreciate the offer, but we were provided with counseling right after the attack. I'm really fine. You said yesterday that we could meet with Doctor Laenger. Can we do that this afternoon?"

"I can try to arrange it."

"I'd like that as well." Robert wasn't going to let Peter get away with finding out all there was to know about Laenger's procedure.

"I'll call his office now." Hank reached for the phone and dialed the number of the specialist. He had hoped that Robert and Peter would take advantage of his offer to listen. He could see that they each had issues stemming from the stabbing. But, you couldn't force a person to talk; he had certainly learned that lesson over the years. If he could, then he would know everything he wanted to know about John's state of mind right now.

*************************************************

Chelsey hadn't found John in his room so she headed straight for the pond, knowing that it was one of his favorite spots. Sure enough, he was sitting at the table as he stared out over the water.

"May I sit down?" she asked.

John nodded without looking at her. "I thought I was free until four."

"You are. I just thought you might want to talk. Not as patient to therapist, but as person to person."

"Nope," John brusquely replied. "And I don't need a lecture either. I'm sure that Doctor Stephenson will be giving me another one this afternoon."

"I have no intention of giving you a lecture. I'm sure that you're aware of how much worry and fear you caused your grandparents and friends."

John turned to look at her, a slight smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Not a bad shot for someone who doesn't intend to lecture me."

Chelsey laughed. "John, I've counseled you enough to know that you're harder on yourself than you need to be. You didn't want to see your grandparents or Peter Benton again because you feel ashamed of what you did. You're probably thinking that you disappointed them. Am I right?"

"You left out the "again" part. I seem to have a certain knack for disappointing those who care about me. I should just learn to accept that it's one thing I'm good at and try to get even better."

"I don't think they're as disappointed as you seem to think. You're the one that's disappointed in yourself."

"That's a very interesting observation, and most likely right on target. Which is why they pay you the big money, Doctor Davis. I've spent most of this year turning into someone that I don't like. Someone who is completely unrecognizable to myself. So, yeah, I'm disappointed."

"You're also pretty unforgiving, John. Don't you think it's time for you to start to forgive yourself?"

"No." John looked back out at the pond, regretting the fact that he let her sit down in the first place.

Chelsey could see by the look in his eyes that this conversation was over. "Well, I'll leave you alone then. If you want to speak with me, you know where to find me. If not, then I guess I'll see you in the morning."

"Right."

John listened to the rustling of her skirt as she arose from the bench and walked away, but he didn't look to make sure she was gone. One of the things he liked about Doctor Davis was the way she would really leave him alone and that she knew when to push and when not to push. Perhaps the only complaint he had about Chelsey Davis was that she seemed to understand him all too well.



Part 6
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