Behind The Mask




Of the three doctors comprising John's treatment team, Hank was the first to see John's friends and family arrive. He stopped them before they could get past the waiting area.

"Hank, how is he?" Robert immediately asked.

Hank nodded. "He's doing fine now. They want to keep him overnight for observation because of the amount of water he took in his lungs. He's also having a lot of back pain, but other than that, he's fine."

"What happened?" Roland asked.

Hank looked at him questioningly, but didn't immediately answer. He could see a resemblance between John, this man and Matthew Carter, but he didn't know who he was. "You are?"

"Roland Carter," Roland snapped back. Why didn't the doctor just answer his question? Why did doctors always find it necessary to avoid telling him the truth? They had done that with Bobby, they were constantly doing that with Laura and now they were doing it with John. "What happened to my son?"

"A woman fell into the pond and John saved her. Apparently the physical exertion was too much for his back and he went under right after getting the woman out of the water. We pulled John out and immediately began CPR, getting a heartbeat within a few minutes."

"My son's heart wasn't beating and you're standing there telling me he's fine?" Roland's face was red with anger. "I demand to see him now."

"Mr. Carter, there's no need to be alarmed. John is fine," Hank reiterated.

"Mr. Carter, the human body can go for quite some time without a heartbeat. It's the amount of oxygen going to the brain that matters the most." Robert tried to explain the situation to Roland. "John wasn't down long enough to sustain brain damage or other serious injuries."

Roland stared down at Robert. He was still angry, but his mind was busy processing what he had just heard. John was not going to be brain damaged. Chase's fate would not be John's as well. Finally Roland nodded. "I still want to see my son."

"In a few minutes. Doctor Laenger is in with him right now, and we're still waiting to speak with the Attending who's in charge of his care," Hank said.

"If you haven't spoken to the doctor then how can you say he's all right?" Roland's anger and fear were back.

"We were in the exam room with John. He's also our patient and we were concerned for him."

"Probably concerned about a possible law suit," Roland muttered.

"You said that Laenger was in with Carter?" Peter asked.

Chelsey nodded. "That's right. John asked to see him. I think he's giving more thought to having the surgery."

"That's good news," Robert said.

"Yes, it is. It's just a shame that something like this had to have happened to make John agree. Hank? I need to speak with you in private." Chelsey said.

"Of course," Hank replied. He then turned to the others, "Why don't you all have a seat? I'm sure that someone will be out soon." Hank followed Chelsey outside, not sure what was on her mind. She had spent time alone with John after his initial physical exam, so she probably just wanted to apprise him of John's current emotional state. Hank also wanted to check on the condition of the victim John had saved. John had been very adamant about wanting to know how she was doing.

"Let's sit down, Roland," Matthew said. He put his arm around his son's shoulders and led him to a chair, taking the one beside him. He knew that Roland had a difficult time showing how much he loved his children, but he also knew that Roland cared very much for John and that not being able to see for himself that John was fine was hard on Roland.

Robert and Peter also sat down, as did Doctor Maxwell. The three began to talk work to pass the time. A few minutes later Hank returned to the waiting area, but without Chelsey. Hank didn't look as relieved as he had when they first arrived.

"What's wrong?" Peter asked.

"Nothing to worry about," Hank quickly replied. He hated lying about that, but he couldn't reveal to Peter Benton and the rest of them what Chelsey had told him. John had let her know that he had been trying to kill himself when he saw the woman drowning. His immediate instinct to save her had overtaken his desire to die at that moment, but it wasn't until he was going under that he had realized that he wanted to live. Chelsey said he told her this in an effort to reassure her that he was going to be all right, but she was upset about the fact that he had been having suicidal feelings so intense that he had actually entered the water.

Hank could feel Robert's eyes on him and he knew that his old friend could see that he was lying. He saw Robert's mouth open, probably to ask him more about what had happened, but Hank was saved when two people approached the small group.

"Everyone, this is Doctor Rinehard Laenger and Doctor Richard Gates." Hank stood up to make the introductions. "This is Roland Carter, John's father. Matthew Carter, his grandfather, Peter Benton and Robert Romano, they both work with John at County General in Chicago."

"We met earlier today," Laenger said. He shook hands with the Carters, then sat down, as did the other doctor.

"John is resting comfortably right now. He strained his back and aggravated his previous injuries in his back and abdomen. I understand he underwent a colostomy not that long ago?" Gates asked.

Peter nodded. "That's correct. It was taken down at the end of March."

"That's what he told me. He's still having pain from that, but that's to be expected right now. We've given him something mild to take the edge off the pain as he was concerned about taking anything strong. We will be monitoring John to make sure his lungs are clear and in the morning Doctor Laenger will be performing a surgical procedure that should eliminate a lot of John's back pain."

"Oh? Hank only mentioned that John was thinking of having the surgery," Robert said, finding it natural to take the lead in the discussion.

"I examined him and feel that he's a good candidate for the procedure. I know it will work for him. We thought that since he has to stay overnight, we might as well schedule the surgery for tomorrow and get it out of the way."

"How long will he have to stay in the hospital?" Roland asked.

"Three days at most," Laenger replied.

"Just what is causing this pain?" Roland asked. "I don't understand why John would still be hurting from something that happened months ago."

"John had a hematoma on the lumbar plexus due to the stabbing. The knife cut his lumbar artery." Peter said. He saw the confused looks on Matthew and Roland's faces and tried to explain it in a way they would understand. "When the lumbar artery was cut, the blood welled up in the lumbar plexus, which is a collection of nerves. We repaired the artery and removed the blood, but there was still nerve damage. John's limp is a result of that. It could have been much worse, there was a danger that he could have ended up paralyzed from when we had to tie off the lumbar artery to stem the bleeding."

"No one mentioned this to me," Roland said. He was getting angry again. "You performed the surgery on John. Why didn't you catch the hematoma before it did any damage?"

"Mr. Carter, we tried to tell you details about John's condition. All you were concerned about was whether or not he was going to live and how long he would be in the hospital. You stopped me when I tried to go into more details about his injuries," Peter firmly reminded him. Peter was still feeling angry with Roland Carter, even though he understood that Carter's mother presented a sensitive situation. Even with her inability to handle the news that Carter had been hurt, Roland could have at least showed some interest in his son's condition back in February. How dare Roland Carter accuse him of not doing his best while operating on Carter? Peter knew that there was nothing he or Anspaugh could have done differently regarding the hematoma. Peter took a deep breath as he decided to ignore Roland's jab at his surgical skills.

Roland and Peter glared at each other for a few moments and then Roland turned his attention to Doctor Gates. "I'd like to see John now."

"Of course. We'll be moving him to a room shortly, but you can stay with him until he's actually moved. Please follow me."

After Roland and Gates had left, the others felt a lessening of tension in the air. Matthew started to say something, but then changed his mind. Not that it mattered to Robert. He suspected that Matthew was going to apologize for his son once again and Robert really didn't want to hear any lame excuses on the behalf of Roland Carter. If the man had stayed around long enough back when John had been hurt, then he would have known what was going on with his own son. While Robert felt sympathy for the Carters over Laura's apparent emotional problem, he didn't have a high regard for Roland Carter. It was obvious that John Carter got his manners and consideration from someone other than his father. Feeling antsy, Robert slipped away from the others, following Gates and Roland Carter to the exam room. He wanted to see for himself that John was okay. He was also hoping to find the time to get a few private words with Roland. Robert wasn't looking for a fight -- he never was. But, he thought that someone needed to set Roland Carter straight and it might as well be him.

*******************************

John had his eyes closed as he tried to not think about what he had come close to doing earlier. He still couldn't quite believe that he had intended to really kill himself, but he had. It had taken nearly dying to discover that he wanted to live. He wondered if that happened to most people who were in the process of committing suicide. Did they reach a point where death was imminent and suddenly see that they really didn't want to die? Did that happen with Carol Hathaway all those years ago? Did she find herself falling into a dark void while realizing that she wanted to live, but unable to do anything then to stop the process? Did the same thing happen to Dennis? Or had that realization been unique to him? John didn't know and Doctor

Davis didn't seem to have an answer to those questions for him. She had seemed more upset by his attempt to die than he was about it. He tried to reassure her that everything was going to be all right now, the danger was over. She didn't seem to believe him though and John knew he was facing some very intense therapy sessions with her, maybe even with Doctor Stephenson as well.

It was so quiet in the room that John slipped into sleep without even trying. One of the nurses had gone in search of a gown for him, but when she returned and saw that he was asleep, she figured the gown could wait a bit. They would have to awaken him when they took him upstairs, so he could put on the gown then.

Roland stepped inside the exam room, not really caring if Doctor Gates followed him in or stayed behind. A nurse was quietly moving about the room, but Roland didn't pay her much attention. His eyes were riveted on his son. The bed was slightly raised, putting John into a nearly sitting up position, but John was asleep despite that. The blanket had bunched up around John's waist and seeing the vivid scar that began just under John's breastbone and ended under the blanket was a slap in the face to Roland. He cautiously approached the bed and gently lifted the edge of the blanket, looking for the rest of the scar and also seeing the one left over from the colostomy.

Tears filled his eyes as he let the blanket softly drop.

"I have a gown for him, but I didn't want to wake him up just to put it on," the nurse whispered as she came to stand beside Roland. "From the looks of things, he's been through such a rough time."

Roland knew the nurse had no idea who he was, so he merely nodded. It was slowly dawning on him that John had been through Hell. And quite possibly was still there.

Roland pulled up a chair and sat down, taking John's hand in his own, wondering how things had managed to progress this far with John. Trying to find a reason why things had gone wrong. Roland had been relieved when he found out that John was living with his parents. They would watch over John, make sure he ate right and got plenty of rest. Take care of him the way they had done so many times before. Roland had taken it for granted that nothing bad would happen to his son while John was in their care.

Roland's eyes kept going back to the surgical scar and he belatedly remembered that there were two other scars on John's back. More scars that he had never seen because he couldn't be there in Chicago with John.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize." Roland rested his hand against John's stomach, covering the vivid scar while taking comfort in the gentle rise and fall of John's breathing.

"You might have realized it if you had bothered to stay around." Robert said. He had stepped into the room while Roland was sitting down. He gazed down at the site of the incision. "Benton and Anspaugh did a Hell of a job keeping John alive."

"You make it sound as if he were in danger of dying." Roland jerked his hand away, self-conscious of how it would look for a stranger to see him behaving this way.

"He was. John's injuries were very serious. It took a long time for them to get the bleeding under control and at one time they thought they would have to remove his kidney. Then there was the hematoma, revealing yet more damage." Robert shook his head. "You were told all of that the one day you bothered to show up at the hospital."

"You must think very badly of me, Doctor Romano."

"You're right about that," Robert sharply replied. "I've seen patients left alone to deal with the aftermath of their surgeries. They usually know they're alone and they handle it. The best, though, is when a patient's family is there for them, to help them emotionally and physically." Robert shook his head. "But, I don't ever remember seeing a father come in, say 'hello, glad you're not dead, catch you later' to his son and then disappear. I saw John later that day, after you had left. He was crushed. He needed you and you weren't there for him."

"You saw how my wife reacted to the news that John was injured today."

Robert nodded. "I did, and you have my sympathies. But, that doesn't absolve you of the support you owe your child. John Carter is a fine human being and a wonderful doctor. It scares me to think that we may have lost him today. It scares me to think that we might have lost him to his painkillers. I have no intention of letting John Carter go without a fight, and he's not my son. He's merely a colleague. One of many fine physicians who work with, and for, me. If I can give him that much consideration, why can't you?"

"I love my son very much. You don't know my family and you don't have the right to pass judgment on me."

"I don't need to know your family in order to pass judgment. I've seen what you're actions have done to him. Do you even care about how much he was hurt over the way you behaved on his birthday? He was having a great time until you called and couldn't be bothered to speak to him. It hurt him badly enough that you didn't come here to see him. I know that this must be embarrassing for you, but you need to consider John's feelings. Why don't you look past yourself for a change and look toward your son?"

Robert shook his head as he regarded the older man. He might have been dressed in a tailored suit and have millions, but in Robert's mind, Roland Carter was nothing. No man who turned his back on his children could be anything but nothing. Turning sharply, Robert walked out, not caring if Roland had anything more to say.


Roland watched Robert walk out; angry at the way the man had spoken to him. Angry with Romano for saying the words, and angry with himself for thinking the same things about himself. Roland squeezed John's hand, and was caught off guard when he saw John looking at him. Roland quickly let go of John's hand, scooting the chair back a little bit as John pulled the covers up to cover his scars. It hurt Roland to see how self-conscious John was over the scars. Another thing that he should have known about his son and didn't.

"Dad. I didn't expect to see you." John wasn't sure what else to say. His father definitely did not look happy. Why was he in Atlanta? He couldn't have gotten here that fast after hearing about what happened today, John thought.

"Your mother and I arrived this morning. Before we heard about your accident at the clinic. I'm not sure that you should be staying there any longer, if this is the type of thing that can happen there. There are excellent clinics in other parts of the country." Going on the offensive was the only way Roland knew to cover up the things he was feeling. He couldn't let John see him in a moment of weakness.

"Dad, it was an accident. A woman was reaching for a flower and fell in. Luckily for her, I was there." John paused, the blanket tightening in his grip. "You said that Mom came with you?"

"Yes. She's with Mother right now. Laura became upset when she heard that you had been in another accident. I wanted to see you before I called them to say that you were all right."

"I'm fine. Really. They want to keep me here for observation, but that's standard practice. There's no need for her to worry."

"She's going to worry about the fact that you're going to be having more surgery."

"It's minor surgery, Dad. Nothing like before."

That comment cut through Roland, and the image of John's scars danced before his eyes. Robert Romano had been right; he should have stayed in Chicago. He should have brought Laura there. Found some way to handle her and her 'episodes'.

"You do understand why I couldn't stay in Chicago before, don't you?" Roland suddenly asked.

John quickly turned his head, confused by what Roland was asking. Of course he knew why he hadn't stayed. What kind of question was that to ask him? John looked closely at his father, noting that Roland wouldn't look at him. That wasn't like him at all, John thought. Usually his father would stare at him until John had to look away.

"Yes, sir. I understand. You told me that Mom was with Barbara and you needed to get back to her."

Roland nodded, but hearing John tell him that he understood wasn't taking away the guilt that Roland was now feeling. If anything, it was making it worse. John shouldn't have had to understand.

"I'm sorry, John. About not being able to stay there when you needed me. About not being here for your birthday." Roland looked at John, hoping for a sign of something -- forgiveness, maybe?

John looked down at his hands where they had a tight grip on the edge of the blanket. "I know I've disappointed you yet again, Dad. I'm sorry."

"You've never disappointed me, John. Never. I should have told you that. I've been very proud of you and your accomplishments."

John looked up, startled to see unshed tears in his father's eyes. "But, the drugs, what I did with Chase, not telling the family about his addiction and then going too far to resuscitate him..."

Roland shook his head. "Chase made his own choices. He didn't want the family to know and you honored those choices. The rest of us should have seen what was going on with him, but we didn't. I don't know why. Maybe it was easier to pretend that Chase was happy. Just as it was easier to accept it when you kept telling us you were fine. To not accept that answer meant we would have to ask you more questions and risk the possibility that you would tell us that you weren't doing fine after all. But, it's something we should have seen. I was too quick to believe that Mom and Dad would watch over you. I could blame them for not seeing this happening -- after all, you were living under their roof. But, it's not their fault. As for the way Chase is now, well, you did what you felt you had to do at the time. Personally, I blame the doctor who called you into the room to work on Chase. Then it would have been out of your hands. I know that you loved Chase very much. The two of you were close as you were growing up, even if you had drifted apart once you reached college."

John nodded. "My mistake was in giving Chase a choice of rehab centers. I had a whole list for him to choose from, but he wouldn't do it. Doctor Benton never gave me a choice about coming here. I shouldn't have given Chase a choice either."

Father and son regarded each other quietly, then John felt that he had to be even more truthful with his father.

"Dad, today, at the pond...I was trying to kill myself when I saw that woman drowning. I wanted to die."

Roland stood, then hugged John. "I'm glad that didn't happen. There are people here in Atlanta who can help you, John."

John nodded. He couldn't remember the last time his father had really hugged him. There had been plenty of holiday 'pat-on-the-back' hugs, but not real ones. It felt good. And John felt sad that he had nearly missed the chance to feel it again. "Dad, it's okay."

Roland let go of John and looked him in the eyes. "No, John. It's not okay. You were lucky today. I don't want to lose you. Don't you know that's why your mother freaks out every time she hears bad things about you and Barbara? Because she's afraid of losing another child? I feel the same fear she does."

"I know. But, it really is okay. When I was drowning, I knew that I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I still do." John smiled reassuringly at Roland.

As the nurse from earlier returned, Roland hugged him again. "I think they're getting ready to take you upstairs. I'll be in to see you once you're in your room. I need to call your mother and tell her that you're all right."

John nodded. "I'm not going anywhere," he joked.

Roland smiled, shaking his head. "Still joking about serious things, I see."

"Sir? You need to step outside now," the nurse said. She had a hospital gown in her hand.

"Right. I'll see you in a bit, son."

"Sure." Roland was almost through the door when he stopped and looked back. The nurse was helping John get his arm through the gown, not the easiest of tasks with the IV.

"Johnny?"

John looked up, not sure what more his father had to say.

"I love you."

John grinned. "I love you, too, Dad."

Roland nodded, then walked on out. He needed to see if he could get Laura calmed down enough to actually come down to the hospital. John needed to have his mother with him now, too. Roland wasn't foolish enough to think that a few moments of honesty would change their relationship over night, or undo years of damage, but he knew it was a step in the right direction. A step that should have been taken years ago. A step that should have never needed to be taken in the first place. The last realization was one that would haunt Roland for a long time to come.



Part 8
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