Behind the Scenes




11-Beyond Repair


AUTHOR: John Ross / SimplyShelly
EMAIL: johnross75@yahoo.com / simplyshelly2@earthlink.net
Once again, thank you Cathy, my belated beta.

*************************************************************

John and Dave considered New Year's Eve to be their anniversary, of sorts, as it marked their first kiss, and the first night they made love to each other. They had never imagined in their wildest dreams that a year later they would still be together and their relationship would have come this far.

John had made special plans for a romantic evening out. He took Dave to the same hotel where they had first kissed. They checked into their room and ordered room service. John wanted this night to be as romantic and memorable as it could be.

Dave leaned against the balcony watching the street below. He had just finished his shift and was a bit tired, but this evening seemed to mean a lot to John so he was determined to make the best of it. They had agreed to stay in so they could just relax.

"I know that you don't like to talk much about your recovery." Dave sat on the edge of the bed and toed off his shoes. "I know that Abby has always been there for you and I'm glad you have her to lean on, but I want you to know that I'm here for you." Dave said as he fluffed up a pillow and leaned back against the headboard.

"I know that, and you have been. It's just that there are some things that I need to do for myself. That doesn't mean I don't need you." John sat next to Dave on the bed.

"I had some problems myself, back in college. I do know a bit about drug and alcohol abuse. I sort of got in with the wrong crowd and started doing a lot of heavy drinking and smoking pot now and then." Dave admitted.

"Yeah, I tried pot in college also, it just gave me a headache and I couldn't concentrate when I needed to study. I never really saw the appeal." John laughed.

"Well, I tried all sorts of different stuff. My grades suffered and before I realized what I was doing to myself, it was almost too late. I nearly failed college altogether." Dave seemed a bit embarrassed.

"That's how you ended up in Grenada?" John asked.

"Yeah, that's when I met Dianne. One of my professors introduced us 'cause she thought I could use a tutor. Dianne helped me get my grades back up enough to pass but they were still too low to get into Med School here in the states. I had started to take a few of my courses over when Dianne found out about Grenada."

"Any way, what I was saying is that I'm really proud of you, John. I can't tell you how many times I said I was going to quit and something or someone would always give me a reason to start using and boozing again. You've managed to survive your situation without a single relapse. It's amazing." Dave beamed proudly.

"Dave, please. Don't say that." John stuttered. "It's not like I meant to keep it secret, it just never came up before now. I did relapse, once." He paused.

"Really, when?" Dave looked shocked.

"Remember when Deb had her baby and she called me to be her coach?" John asked.

"I remember you telling Weaver that you where sick and I had to work your shift." Dave replied.

"I knew you were pissed off because you thought that I bailed because I was tired." John stood and began pacing. "That was only partly true. I had worked a double shift and had just gotten into bed that morning when Deb called. I was up all day with Deb and was supposed to work the night shift again. I was exhausted and I had this patient; some biker with all these pills, one of his prescriptions was Vicodin. I was in the room alone and the bottle was on the counter. I saw it and I took a couple and swallowed them. As soon as I realized what I'd done I ran to the bathroom and stuck my finger down my throat to puke them up. I was a mess, emotionally. I ran to find Abby and told her what happened."

"So, no big deal, right." Dave shrugged. "I mean you did the right thing and all."

"That's what I thought at the time. Abby wanted me to tell Weaver. I was scared and I didn't want to. So she made me clock out and she dragged me to a meeting."

"Did it help?" Dave asked curiously.

"Truth is, I was so tired I fell asleep. I just couldn't stay awake and Abby got pissed, but she took me back to her apartment and let me crash on her sofa and we caught a meeting the next morning. That was also why I was late coming over that afternoon we had plans remember, and I was late and you were still pissed, so I just went home. I just wasn't in any frame of mind to handle your attitude and I couldn't admit what I had done."

"See, that's what I mean, I don't want you to ever think that you can't talk to me." Dave got up and joined John as he stared out the window.

"I don't, Dave, not any more. Things were a lot different back then." John leaned his forehead against Dave's.

They were both startled by a rather loud knocking at the door. John answered it and let the busboy in with their dinner. John pulled out a chair for Dave and got a glare from him.

"I'm not your bitch, you don't have to seat me." Dave laughed as he sat down. John leaned down and kissed his lips.

"Sorry, just a habit I guess." John blushed as he sat across from Dave.

"Did you ever tell Weaver?" Dave continued the conversation.

"Yeah, eventually I did. It took me a while. It wasn't until I went to visit Chase for the first time since the stabbing that I realized that I had a problem to begin with. He was angry and didn't want to see me. I went back later in the evening and admitted to him that I was an addict. It was the first time that I had said it and really believed it." John began eating his steak.

"So what did Weaver do?" Dave asked.

"It took several weeks after the fact, and almost losing Abby as my sponsor to realize that I needed to tell Kerry. I told her the same day I confessed to Chase. It was really hard to face her with the truth and I was really afraid that she would fire me and send me back to Atlanta. She waited until the next day to let me know what she decided but luckily she just put me back on probation and I was back to not pushing narcotics again."

"Oh, well that explains a few things." Dave grinned. He picked up the matchbook that lay next to the pair of candles that were in the center of the table.

Dave got up and dimmed the lights, poured some sparkling apple juice and sat back down and raised his glass. "Well, here's to happier times ahead." He cheered as he decided it was time to change the subject.

Together they shared a wonderful candlelight dinner and made love all evening. They were lying back relaxing in the Jacuzzi when Dave thought that it would be fun to go check out the ballrooms to see if they could find another party to crash.

To their surprise they found that the very same company whose office party they had crashed last year was in fact there again this year. Thinking that this was just too perfect, they entered and began dancing together. At the stroke of midnight they held each other in a tight embrace and kissed, wishing each other a Happy New Year.

When the kiss ended Dave leaned close and whispered. "Marry me." He slid his ring off his finger and gave it to John.

John looked stunned as he gazed into Dave's eyes and allowed him to place the ring on his finger. Dave held both of John's hands as he began to speak from his heart.

"John, I know that a marriage wouldn't exactly be legal but I'd like to propose a union between the two of us. I love you with my whole heart and soul and I want to share my life with you forever." Dave stopped as he noticed that they were drawing a small but curious crowd. He drew in a deep breath and exhaled as he continued what he had on his mind.

"Last year, right here in this very room we shared a kiss that at the time was merely a couple of lonely guys without a date on New Year's night. What started out as a playful kiss ended in a night of passion that opened a new door for both of us. I promise you that I will always love you no matter what." Dave smiled as he realized that he was trembling.

John pulled his hands free and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a gold band and slid it on Dave's finger. "I was going to ask you the same thing, my love." He leaned in and kissed Dave again. "Yes, I'll marry you." He again joined hands with Dave.

"It took both of us a long time to truly give in to our feelings and our desires for one another." John began. "I know that in our wildest dreams neither one of us ever thought that we would be standing here today professing our undying love to each other but I can't imagine my life without you. I also promise to always love you no matter what."

From the large windows of the ballroom they stood together and watched the fireworks as they rained their colors down upon the city.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Several days later John had received a phone call from Deb.

"Hey, Deb, how've you been?" John answered.

"I'm fine. I was calling because I need to talk to you but I'd rather it not be over the phone." Deb's voice sounded a bit shaken. She was clearly upset about something.

"I'm bringing my grandmother home in the morning and I have a shift at noon but I can meet you at the mall at about 10:30." John said.

"Okay, I'll see you then. Good-bye John." Deb replied.

"Good-night, Deb." John hung up the phone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

John had made arrangements for a private duty nurse to be available around the clock. Millicent had insisted that she be released as early as humanly possible. Her doctor had spoken to John and made the arrangements for her to be released by 7am.

Eleanor Carter knew that this was the day that Millicent would be coming home. She had not heard from Jack since before Christmas and figured that of all times for him to be home this would most likely be it. She had made up her mind that she was not going to allow him to go through with the divorce. Under the pretense that she was needed to help out with Millicent's recovery she decided to make an unannounced trip to Chicago.

~~~~~~~~

John had just managed to get Gamma into the house. They had barely gotten in the door when Eleanor came bounding down the stairs. It had come as a bit of a shock to the both of them to find her there.

"I thought I heard someone." Eleanor announced.

"Mom, what are you doing here?" John asked curiously.

"I thought that you could use a hand while your grandmother recovered."

Trying to ignore Gamma's comments about it being cold, John was surprised to find out that his mother was planning on staying. She had never wanted to stay at the house before so why now?

After getting Gamma settled, John came downstairs to find his mother getting ready to leave the house.

"You're leaving?" John saw her putting on her coat.

"The Pediatric Cancer Society called, I tried to explain that Millicent was not available to attend and they managed to rope me in." Eleanor announced.

John tried to explain to her that Gamma had no intention of going in the first place, but Eleanor insisted that she was expected, and had decided to go in her place.

"You'll be back tonight?" Eleanor asked as if she didn't know that he lived there.

"You're really staying?" John asked still a bit surprised.

"Yes, unless I'm not welcome." She acted as if she had been insulted.

"No, no…

As they continued their conversation John suddenly felt a familiar tug at his leg. "Good morning, Daddy John." Maura greeted him with a big smile.

"Hey, good morning, Sweetie." He leaned down to picked her up. She laid her head on his chest as she shied away from Eleanor.

"Daddy?" Eleanor looked surprised. "It looks like I have missed a few things around here."

"Maura this is my mother, Eleanor. Mom, this is Maura, Dave's daughter." His father had told him that they knew about Dave but there was no way for her to know about Maura since he knew that his father had not been in contact with her lately.

Kathryn suddenly came bouncing down the steps in her bathrobe. "I am so sorry, John, I was in the bathroom, I told her to stay put until I was finished." Kathryn tried to explain, almost out of breath. She started to take Maura but she held tightly to John letting out a rather loud scream.

"Nooooooooo!"

"Shhh." John hissed holding a hand up gently against her mouth. "Please do not scream, Maura." He carefully scolded her. "You don't want to give me a headache, now do you?" He smiled at her, as he brushed her hair with his hand pulling her close to him, kissing her on the head.

"It's okay, Kathryn. This is my mother, Eleanor." He introduced his bewildered mother to the young woman. "This is Maura's nanny. She stays here with us."

"Pleased to meet you, ma'am." Kathryn extended her hand towards the woman. Eleanor accepted the young woman' hand.

"Yes, the pleasure is mine." Eleanor smiled.

Kathryn turned back to John. "Well then, I'm going to go get dressed." She headed back upstairs.

"I met your gentleman friend this morning. I almost ran into him. He was running out the door when I arrived." Eleanor tried to act nonchalant about the whole situation. "I wasn't aware that there was a child, also."

"Yeah, well, you haven't really tried to stay in touch." John remarked, not really wanting to get into it with his mother. He quickly thought of a reason to leave. "I should get her some breakfast." John turned towards the kitchen with Maura.

Maura sat at the counter, as John poured her a bowl of cereal and himself a cup of coffee.

Kathryn soon joined them, apologizing again for letting Maura get away from her.

Hearing the grandfather clock chime, John realized it was time for him to leave. He quickly explained to Maura that he had to leave for work but would be home early as he was only working a half shift.

~~~~~~~~

The meeting with Deb had left John feeling a bit confused. He was beginning to wonder if he had made the right decision staying on at County. He didn't like thinking about the fact that Weaver deliberately lied to save her own ass. What pissed him off even more was the fact that she had fired Dave in the process and now to find out that she had known all along that she didn't have her pager on her. If it weren't for the fact that Dave was happy with his new job and things had actually worked out for the better for him, there would have been hell to pay.

Before leaving the mall, John had picked up Chinese food for lunch. He still had plenty of time to eat before his shift if he took it with him. He ordered extra just in case he had the opportunity to share it with someone. Hopefully it would be Abby, he thought. It had been a long time since he had spent any time with her and he really missed their talks that they used to have.

On his way out of the mall, something caught his attention as he passed by a travel agency. On a rack near the door were brochures for various vacations. He picked up one for Aspen and shoved it into his pocket. He had not been skiing for so long. During his drive to work, he thought about how nice it would be to take Dave to Aspen on vacation.

John walked into the lounge to find Susan had just come in. He sat his lunch on the table, still thinking of his Aspen fantasy, he gingerly invited Susan to join him for lunch. He was showing her the brochures when he heard a strange clicking noise. Realizing that it was coming from her jaw he offered to check it out for her. He stood up next to her and asked her to chew so he could hear it again. Embarrassed that he had heard it she covered her mouth and tried to get him away from her as they laughed together, he teasingly leaned over and kissed her.

Abby had walked in and saw him kissing Susan, this really upset him because he knew that she would get the wrong idea and the last thing he wanted was for her to think that he was dating Susan. He knew that she was just brushing him off when she had told him "not to sweat it". Deep down he knew that he had to tell her the truth. Hopefully he would get the opportunity soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Abby could not believe what she was seeing. The moment she laid eyes on Paul Sobriki she felt the fear that they had all felt as the staff at County sat around wondering if Lucy and John were going to make it. She was looking right at the very man that had caused one life to end and another to be turned upside down. She could not even begin to imagine what seeing Sobriki would do to John.

She instantly called security to have the man watched and began to apply hard restraints. She'd argued with Susan about his care and told Susan that he should be transferred, but Susan was looking out for the welfare of her patient and did not comprehend the situation regarding John. In Abby's efforts to keep John away from Sobriki, John ended up coming face to face with his former attacker.

John was instantly taken back to that night. He didn't really understand how it was that this man could be out. Listening to Paul say he was sorry and try to explain the he was sick, but he was better, did nothing but tear open the wounds that he felt almost 2 years ago.

He could feel his body tense and begin to sweat, suddenly he felt very nauseous. He turned to head for the men's room. The only sound that he could hear was that deafening music echoing in his memory. Peering into the mirror all he could see was Lucy's pleading face and those crystal clear blue eyes that would haunt him forever. Leaning over to wash the sweat from his face, he felt a chill run down his spine, which startled him. He could hardly breathe as his stomach suddenly lurched and he retched into the sink. It took him a moment to recompose himself as he washed up again.

He had managed to continue to finish his shift, but when it was over, he was more than ready to get the hell out of there.

~~~~~~~~

After a brief conversation with Abby, John left the lounge and stood outside in the ambulance bay. The temperature had dropped making it very cold as he just stood there not sure where he was or where he was going. He could not seem to remember where he had parked his jeep. His mind was a blur.

The last thing he remembered was Abby asking him if he would like to go for coffee and pie with her. He shook his head at the thought that he had turned her down. He would have liked to spend some time with her. He needed to talk and she was the only one that truly understood. The only one besides Dave, but it was true, he really did have to go home.

Home… yes that is where he was headed, not only because his grandmother would be there but because Dave would also be there, and his mother. The thought of his mother being home made him feel even more claustrophobic. He had been surprised to see her that morning and even more surprised to hear that she was planning on being there when he got home. She had given him a kiss and understood about him and Dave and had even wanted to make sure that he would be there later but somehow her words were not as comforting as they should have been.

"Carter, are you okay," Mark, asked as he approached. He had noticed John standing motionless in the ambulance bay.

John just looked blankly at Mark. His head ached and his mind was a whirl as he tried to recall what he had been doing out there.

"Carter, can you tell me what happened?" Mark spoke calmly as he led John back inside to the lounge where he sat him down. John ran his hands through his hair as his mind began to clear.

"I don't know." John blinked a couple of times rubbing at his temples. "I was talking to Abby in here and the next thing I remember was standing outside freezing and then I heard you talking." As if he suddenly remembered, he started to get up, but Mark held him back.

"Mark I have to get home. My grandmother needs me, please." John pleaded.

"Carter, sit for a minute." Mark urged. "Carter, I should have told you long ago that I know what you went through and I know how hard it can be sometimes to want to forget but you can't." John relaxed against the back of the sofa as he listened to Mark.

"I never told anyone this but I think it might help you to realize that you're not alone. Back when I was beaten up in the Men's room, I was so sure that it was Kenny Law even though I never saw who did it. I guess I just wanted to believe it was him. I think it was the not knowing that was what scared me the most. But now I think it's probably better that I don't know because I don't know how I would feel if I saw him again." Mark watched John as he listened intently.

"You remember you friend, Maggie Doyle and her little arsenal?" Mark joked. This remark had made John giggle silently. He shook his head at the memory.

"How could I forget, I sprayed that pepper spray in my eyes and it burned like hell." John blushed with embarrassment. He had always seamed to be able to get himself into some sort of trouble.

"Well, she managed to talk me into buying a gun." Mark paused when he saw John's sudden surprise.

"Why?" He asked without even thinking. "I mean, really?" John sat upright.

"Yeah, believe me it wasn't a good idea. That morning I almost ran you down out in the street, I started parking out there because I was walking in the parking garage and someone's car alarm was going off and then I heard foot steps and thought someone was following me, I guess I got a little paranoid." Mark shrugged.

"So you bought a gun?" John questioned curiously.

"Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it. I had to take the El one evening shortly after that and on the ride home, there were these gang bangers harassing this girl. I tried to pretend I was asleep hoping they wouldn't bother me but they caught me watching them. The next stop I got off the train but they followed me. They were taunting me and trying to get me to give them money. I got scared and pulled out the gun and started screaming at them to back off and get back on the train. All I could hear was their mocking words and myself screaming at them to shut up. When they were finally gone I just started running. I didn't even know where I was going, I just ran away as fast as I could. I found myself on the bridge and I tossed the gun into the river. It was really scary to think that I could have used that gun and maybe killed someone. The thought of even having it was frightening." Mark sat back and sighed.

"Wow," John said. His eyes still fixed on Mark.

"Come on Carter, I'll give you a ride home." Mark offered as he stood and held out his hand to help John up. John shook his head as he took hold of Mark's hand.

"Thanks, but I have my Jeep. I should go." John smiled as he allowed the information that Mark had just revealed to register.

~~~~~~~~

John didn't think that his day could get any worse. He arrived home and went directly to check on his grandmother. He would have rather just gone in and crawled in bed with Dave.

After finding out that the private duty nurse he had hired was not there, he was in the process of calling the agency when his mother informed him that she had sent the woman home. John became so angry at his mother's insistence on butting into things that he found himself releasing all the anger that he had built up inside of him.

"Do me a favor. Don't try to be helpful. It's not one of your strong suits." He exclaimed, trying to be restraint.

"Excuse me. I had enough abuse from my mother-in-law today. I certainly don't need it from my son." Eleanor came back at him, rather coolly.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But I've helped Gamma through this, I've tended to her medical needs, I've made her health arrangements, so you need to consult with me before you do something like this." His anger was rising. He was not one bit happy about being put in the position of having to take care of things, just to have someone come along and carelessly dismiss his decisions.

"Fine. Call them back." She tried pacifying him.

"I will." He was so tired of all of this. He turned to go make his phone call to have the nurse return.

"But I'm not leaving this house. I don't care if I am uninvited. I'm not letting your father break up this family."

"Family? What family?" John turned back towards his mother.

"Don't be sarcastic." She stated passively.

"You checked out of this family twenty years ago." He had never spoken to his mother like this before, but it seemed like the perfect time to finally give her a piece of his mind.

"I'm going to bed. Good-night." Eleanor got up to leave the room.

"No. I'm not letting you put some revisionist spin on this, with you as the wounded party." John stepped in front of her, blocking her way.

"Step aside, John." Eleanor demanded.

With this, John could not control himself any further. All the hurt and anger that he had ever felt towards her was being released and he could no longer hold back. He grabbed hold of her to keep her from leaving. It was about time that she listened to what he had to say.

"I was stabbed! I got stabbed in the back. Where the hell were you? The same place you've been my whole life. Somewhere else."

His words fell on deaf ears as she tried to explain that they had spoken to the doctors and thought that he was doing okay. She knew that she didn't have a valid excuse for why she had not been there for her only son.

"Well, I wasn't okay! I wasn't all right." He shouted.

"You're going to blame me for taking drugs?" Asking, as if she thought he had no right to blame her for that.

"No! I'm blaming you for not being my damn mother!" He paused for a moment looking at her. "Bobby died. But I lost a mother." And there it was. He had finally said it after all those years. But it didn't seem to matter, she just looked right through him.

"May I go to bed now?" She asked in a shaken voice. Stepping aside, he allowed her to go.

"Yeah, just run away." John sank onto the couch.

~~~~~~~~

Dave had come downstairs when he heard all the commotion, passing Eleanor at the bottom of the steps. She brushed past him without a word as she headed up to her room.

Entering the living room, Dave saw John sitting on the couch with his face buried in his hands. Sitting next to him, he pulled John into his arms allowing him to release his anguish. Exhausting himself, John slid down until he was curled up with his head lying in Dave's lap. Dave ran his fingers through John's hair while he listened to him tell him about his day.

John had begun by telling Dave about seeing Sobriki. "It just never occurred to me that I would ever run into him." John sobbed as he continued to explain how frightened he was. He had thought that he had finally gotten over the fear, but seeing him again had brought it all back to the surface again.

He talked about Lucy and how he would never be able to forget the look on her face, as he lay helpless to be able to help her. It was as if she knew that death was near and her eyes were pleading with him to help her as the darkness overtook him.

Dave began to cry when John mentioned Lucy. He remembered treating her and the horror of knowing that her chance of survival was ridiculously low.

He had elected to help with Lucy because he and John had become friends and he just didn't think that he could handle it. It had been a very hard night for everyone as he spent the night with other doctors and nurses at Doc Magoo's, waiting and praying that they would both get through this.

John had never really talked to Dave about what had happened, he had been there, he knew all about it. He never had to explain anything; Dave just seemed to understand. It suddenly occurred to John that Dave did know what it was like to helplessly stand by and watch the life drain from someone you cared about and not be able to do a damn thing about it.



Part 12
Fanfiction Home