SPOILERS: Last eppy seen "May Day". Takes place after "May Day".
ARCHIVE: Anywhere as long as my name is attached and you tell me.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters of "ER". This is for enjoyment
and not profit.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is written a bit differently then my normal style. Any
errors are supposed to be there. This is my first time posting to
this group. Hope you enjoy.
SUMMARY: These are the journals of Peter Benton and John Carter that take place after the events in "May Day". They are written as realistically as
possible conveying the often turbulent and confusing emotions experienced by
Journals of Dr. Peter Benton
May 19th 2000
I've always kept these journals to help me deal with stress on
job and in my life. I started it in med. school. It really helped out
with my problems with Carla, Jennie, and with Reece. I never thought
I would ever have more than a couple paragraphs here and there about
someone outside the family. Every once in a while I'd make a note
about him when he would screw up or even did something extraordinary.
I even wrote up a few times when he made me laugh. I never thought I
would have pages dedicated to him until Valentines Day. That was
months ago. Here I am again writing about Carter, a colleague… a
I'm still digesting what happened. I just spoke to his doctor.
I was his doctor maybe I should have kept better tabs on him. His
New doctor did his evaluation. And Carter gave me permission to read
it. I guess I should honored, I really feel sick to my stomach.
suffering from post traumatic stress disorder compounded by an
addiction with painkillers.
According to Dr. Pierson's evaluation Carter hasn't had a
night's rest since the attack. He admitted that there have been a
nights with over eight hours after taking a combination sleeping aid
and pain medication. Dr. Pierson said that Carter insists he only did
this occasionally when the exhaustion of working too many hours
without proper rest was too much for him. Mixing sleeping agents and
narcotics what the hell was he thinking!
He was not thinking that was the problem and no one noticed. He
pushed him self too hard too soon and we were all too wrapped upped
in our own lives to notice. It should have occurred to me that he
should show more signs of pain, of trauma. He did at first when he
came back. Sure he was on crutches for a while, then a cane. Then he
was limping, but when did it happen? I don't even remember when
he went from crutches to a cane?
Then all of a sudden he's a super doc covering everyone's
shift without any effort. Of course he was super doctor he was high…
no he was over medicating. He was supposed to take 500mg of Codeine twice
a day. No where on that label did it say as when needed. Carter
admitted to taking sometimes three to four tablets a day. Jesus
Carter that's over 1500 mg of Codeine and you're a damn
doctor. Then there was the occasional Fentanyl here some Davorcets there. I'm
just glad you never tried the morphine route.
Damn it Carter why didn't you ask for help? Why didn't you
talk to someone? Were you too proud, too stubborn? That would be the easy
route, huh, Carter. Dr. Pierson says that you didn't want to
disappoint anyone. Been trying to live up to other people's
standards all your life, huh, man. Didn't want to appear weak or anything
like that? You think you're responsible for Lucy's death? Feel
guilty. Look at the events Carter that bastard never exhibited signs of any
mental disorders. Mark didn't notice anything, Dr. Daraad never
came down in time for the consult. There's plenty of blame to go
around Carter. Believe me. Plenty of guilt right now for what's happened
to you now.
Hell I could tell how much discomfort you were in on the plane. I
know you needed one of you pain meds, but you didn't have any
with you. That's when I really saw for the first time what you were
going through. I could tell you were ashamed, mad, disappointed at
yourself, at the world. But I could also see the lines on your face.
Those were signs of pain. The flight wasn't too long, but if you
were in that much pain after the Fentanyl injection what could it have
been like for you on just the normal doses of Codeine?
You were sweating too. At first I thought it was a sign of withdrawl,
it is a sign. But, it was hot on the plane and you had your suit
jacket on. I suggested that you take it off, but you just shrugged
your shoulders. You couldn't even look me in the eye. I'm
your… I'm your mentor. I'm… I was you teacher. But I am your friend. I
guess I never really expressed it much before.
I remember the day you graduated. You were so full of excitement
about your dad's lunch and that stupid party. But, you invited
me. You really wanted me there and I shut you down. Told you I was doing
my job, you were my student nothing more. I guess I didn't notice
your disappointment. There's that word again disappointment. I
guess you've been going through that all your life. Then you came to me
when I was in my own personal hell and told me you missed your
graduation. I really didn't think much of it, but you mentioned
how I missed my own for an operation. You missed your for a little girl, I
Always spending time with the patients. But now it has occurred to
me. It was all right for you to miss your graduation because it
didn't bother me to have missed mine. I never realized how much
you looked up to me and I never really told you how much I was proud of
you Carter. I kind of showed in my own way. But, then you were never
used to people giving you any kind of attention. All you ever wanted
was someone to care about you, your family never really did.
We're your family Carter and we let you down.
That's why I never kicked your ass when you decked me. In a way I
deserved it. That look when you realized you hit me. That really
hurt, more then my jaw. I didn't expect for you to break down
like that. Looking back I'm glad that you did. But, I never expected
in a million years what you did to me that night. I let down my wall and
comforted you. Man, I'm sorry I never helped you before then.
Before I had to physically hold you or you would have collapsed in the
That's because I care for you Carter. That's why I helped you
into the van. Why I would NOT let you leave and throw away your life or
your career. That's the reason I boarded the plane to keep you
company. You've been alone too much through this ordeal and
I'll be damned if I let that happened now. I love you Carter. You have a