Broken Thoughts

AUTHOR: Kristen
SPOILERS: Last eppy seen "May Day". Takes place after "May Day".
ARCHIVE: Anywhere as long as my name is attached and you tell me.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters of "ER". This is for enjoyment and not profit.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is written a bit differently then my normal style. Any errors are supposed to be there. This is my first time posting to this group. Hope you enjoy.
SUMMARY: These are the journals of Peter Benton and John Carter that take place after the events in "May Day". They are written as realistically as possible conveying the often turbulent and confusing emotions experienced by both men.

Journals of Dr. Peter Benton

May 19th 2000

I've always kept these journals to help me deal with stress on the job and in my life. I started it in med. school. It really helped out with my problems with Carla, Jennie, and with Reece. I never thought I would ever have more than a couple paragraphs here and there about someone outside the family. Every once in a while I'd make a note about him when he would screw up or even did something extraordinary. I even wrote up a few times when he made me laugh. I never thought I would have pages dedicated to him until Valentines Day. That was months ago. Here I am again writing about Carter, a colleague… a friend.

I'm still digesting what happened. I just spoke to his doctor. Funny I was his doctor maybe I should have kept better tabs on him. His New doctor did his evaluation. And Carter gave me permission to read it. I guess I should honored, I really feel sick to my stomach. He's suffering from post traumatic stress disorder compounded by an addiction with painkillers.

According to Dr. Pierson's evaluation Carter hasn't had a complete night's rest since the attack. He admitted that there have been a few nights with over eight hours after taking a combination sleeping aid and pain medication. Dr. Pierson said that Carter insists he only did this occasionally when the exhaustion of working too many hours without proper rest was too much for him. Mixing sleeping agents and narcotics what the hell was he thinking!

He was not thinking that was the problem and no one noticed. He pushed him self too hard too soon and we were all too wrapped upped in our own lives to notice. It should have occurred to me that he should show more signs of pain, of trauma. He did at first when he came back. Sure he was on crutches for a while, then a cane. Then he was limping, but when did it happen? I don't even remember when he went from crutches to a cane?

Then all of a sudden he's a super doc covering everyone's shift without any effort. Of course he was super doctor he was high… no he was over medicating. He was supposed to take 500mg of Codeine twice a day. No where on that label did it say as when needed. Carter admitted to taking sometimes three to four tablets a day. Jesus Carter that's over 1500 mg of Codeine and you're a damn doctor. Then there was the occasional Fentanyl here some Davorcets there. I'm just glad you never tried the morphine route.

Damn it Carter why didn't you ask for help? Why didn't you talk to someone? Were you too proud, too stubborn? That would be the easy route, huh, Carter. Dr. Pierson says that you didn't want to disappoint anyone. Been trying to live up to other people's standards all your life, huh, man. Didn't want to appear weak or anything like that? You think you're responsible for Lucy's death? Feel guilty. Look at the events Carter that bastard never exhibited signs of any mental disorders. Mark didn't notice anything, Dr. Daraad never came down in time for the consult. There's plenty of blame to go around Carter. Believe me. Plenty of guilt right now for what's happened to you now.

Hell I could tell how much discomfort you were in on the plane. I know you needed one of you pain meds, but you didn't have any with you. That's when I really saw for the first time what you were going through. I could tell you were ashamed, mad, disappointed at yourself, at the world. But I could also see the lines on your face. Those were signs of pain. The flight wasn't too long, but if you were in that much pain after the Fentanyl injection what could it have been like for you on just the normal doses of Codeine?

You were sweating too. At first I thought it was a sign of withdrawl, it is a sign. But, it was hot on the plane and you had your suit jacket on. I suggested that you take it off, but you just shrugged your shoulders. You couldn't even look me in the eye. I'm your… I'm your mentor. I'm… I was you teacher. But I am your friend. I guess I never really expressed it much before.

I remember the day you graduated. You were so full of excitement about your dad's lunch and that stupid party. But, you invited me. You really wanted me there and I shut you down. Told you I was doing my job, you were my student nothing more. I guess I didn't notice your disappointment. There's that word again disappointment. I guess you've been going through that all your life. Then you came to me when I was in my own personal hell and told me you missed your graduation. I really didn't think much of it, but you mentioned how I missed my own for an operation. You missed your for a little girl, I think.

Always spending time with the patients. But now it has occurred to me. It was all right for you to miss your graduation because it didn't bother me to have missed mine. I never realized how much you looked up to me and I never really told you how much I was proud of you Carter. I kind of showed in my own way. But, then you were never used to people giving you any kind of attention. All you ever wanted was someone to care about you, your family never really did. We're your family Carter and we let you down.

That's why I never kicked your ass when you decked me. In a way I deserved it. That look when you realized you hit me. That really hurt, more then my jaw. I didn't expect for you to break down like that. Looking back I'm glad that you did. But, I never expected in a million years what you did to me that night. I let down my wall and comforted you. Man, I'm sorry I never helped you before then. Before I had to physically hold you or you would have collapsed in the street.

That's because I care for you Carter. That's why I helped you into the van. Why I would NOT let you leave and throw away your life or your career. That's the reason I boarded the plane to keep you company. You've been alone too much through this ordeal and I'll be damned if I let that happened now. I love you Carter. You have a family.

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