Camaraderie





By seven o’clock, Carter was ready to crawl out of the ER on his hands and knees. His back ached, his head still had a low throbbing, and he wanted sleep desperately. But Carter knew that sleep would not come very easily--it never did these days. After his dream during his nap, Carter wasn’t sure he even wanted to try sleeping again. Carter pulled his coat tightly around him and pushed out the doors. He hadn’t said goodbye to anyone, but his shift was over and he wasn’t required to tell anyone when he left.

Carter had gone out of his way to avoid making contact with Deb again. He was already regreting the conversation they had earlier. What was he thinking? Deb probably didn’t even mean what she was saying when she told him she wanted to try a relationship with him. How could she? He must have misunderstood what she was saying--she probably only meant she wanted to be better friends with him, not his girlfriend. He knew also that he didn’t have the strength for a relationship. He couldn’t take care of himself, let alone another person. A wave of exhaustion washed over him thinking about the energy it takes to feed another person’s esteem--telling them how good they looked, how much he loved them, how much he wanted to be with them. At that moment he didn’t want to be with anyone, he wanted to be alone.

Deb finished her shift and thought about Carter, she hadn’t seen him in a while. She had been looking forward to the end of the shift so they could grab dinner together. Deb walked through the ER poking her head in and out of exam rooms. Carter was no where to be found. Deb saw Kerry at the desk and walked up to her.

“Kerry, have you seen John? I can’t seem to find him anywhere.”

“Check the board. Maybe he signed out already.”

Deb glanced at the board and saw that Kerry was right, Carter had signed out. Would he have left without saying anything to her? Deb didn’t believe that--not after their previous conversation. She was sure he was around there somewhere waiting for her shift to end.

“Well, if you see him, will you tell him I’m looking for him?”

“Sure Deb.” Kerry paused, “Deb, I don’t mean to be nosy, but is something going on between you and Carter?”

Deb wasn’t sure what to say. She wondered why Kerry was asking, but decided to answer as honestly as she could.

“I asked him to dinner last night for my birthday. My parents were taking me out to dinner to celebrate and told me to invite someone. I didn’t really think John would be the best company, but he really needs friends to be there for him right now, so I asked him.” Deb leaned on the counter, her eyes taking on a dreamy, lovesick look.

“We had a great time. It was so nice to see John smiling and laughing. When he drove me home, well, we were both pretty nervous. Neither of us seemed to know if we should consider it a date. He looked so cute--his face was flushed from embarressment and he stood there so nervously. So I decided to let him off the hook and asked him for a goodnight kiss.” Deb stopped and looked at Kerry. “I can’t explain what I felt, but it was magical. And I know he felt it too. I can’t explain it better than that.”

Kerry looked at Deb with obvious concern. “John has been through a lot these past couple of months. Are you sure you realise exactly what you are getting into?”

Deb replied slowly, “No, I’m not sure, and neither is John. But we owe it to each other to find out. It’s time for John to start healing. He needs to move past what happened, and maybe I can help him do that.”

Kerry looked down and shook her head without realising what she was doing. She was worried that Deb was taking John on as a project--another crusade. Deb had problems in the past with taking on too much--she was over confident in her abilities, and Kerry was worried that Deb was only going to do more harm than good.

“You know, it’s really none of your business Dr. Weaver, what John or I do. John needs people to be there for him, and if you can’t be than fine. But I am!” With that, Deb stormed away.

“Great Kerry, that was really great.” Kerry mumbled to herself as she shuffled down the hall to check on a patient.

Carter walked into his bedroom and looked at the clock. 8:10 P.M. He knew he should eat, but didn’t really feel hungry. He was so tired, it wouldn’t hurt to lay down for a little while. He could eat later. He stumbled over to the bed and flopped on it, without bothering to even take his shoes off.

“John!” Carter jerked awake to see his grandmother standing in his doorway, her eyes wide with concern.

“What? What’s the matter?” John mumbled, struggling to shake off sleep. His body ached as he sat up. He rubbed his eyes and looked at his grandmother.

“I heard you yelling, are you alright? You scared me to death! I didn’t even know you were home.”

“I’m fine Gamma. I must have had a bad dream--that’s all. Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry I scared you.” Carter looked over at the clock on his bedstand. 1:23 A.M. How did it get so late?

“Geez, it’s late. I’m sorry I woke you up. Go back to bed, I’ll be fine.” Carter took his grandmother by the arm and gently led her down the hall to her own bedroom.

“John, are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yes, I’m sure. It was only a bad dream. I’m fine.” He looked at his grandmother’s worried face. “I’m fine! Now go to bed, please.”

Carter wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince, his grandmother or himself. The nightmares had been so much worse this week. It wasn’t just a replay of that awful night anymore. He couldn’t count the number of times he saw Lucy standing over him--accusing him. Or saw Sobricki stabbing Lucy with the knife. And tonight, tonight’s dream had been the worst. He was the one holding the knife, stabbing Lucy over and over. It was him. Her brown eyes staring into his, pleading with him to stop. But he couldn’t.

Carter began to tremble as the images rushed back to him. He thought he could still feel the knife in his hand, her blood on his clothes. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall. ‘Get a grip John! You’re losing it!’

He wasn’t tired anymore, and he wasn’t hungry. He didn’t want to go back into his room, the images from his dream were still too real. Carter sighed and walked towards the stairs.

Luka jerked awake, startled by the sound of his phone ringing. He looked over at the clock. 2:30 A.M. What the? Luke reached over and grabbed the phone off the receiver. ‘Please don’t let it be the hospital’, he thought. He had gotten off at midnight and had no energy left to pull an all nighter.

“Hello?” Luka managed to answer, groggily.

“Dr. Kovac? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called. You were sleeping. I’ll call back in the morning.”

“Wait,” Luka replied. “Carter?”

“Um, yeah.” Carter said, embarrassed for waking up his colleague for something as trivial as a dream. “Really, I’ll call back.”

“No, I’m awake now. Is everything ok? Are you calling because you had another nightmare?” Luka was very intuitive when it came to John Carter. How couldn’t he be? He had been there, in Carter’s shoes, not so long ago. Dealing with the nightmares, the pain, the guilt.

Carter was silent on the other end of the phone. This was a mistake. Why did he call Dr. Kovac? How could he tell Kovac, or anyone about his dreams? They would all think he was crazy. Too ‘disturbed’ to be working in the ER. They might force him to take a leave of absense. What would he do then? His work was the only thing holding him together.

“Carter? Are you there?” Luka’s voice was soft--full of pity. He didn’t need pity, Carter thought. Damn them all and their pity!

“Never mind. I’m sorry for bothering you.” Carter hung up the phone before Luka had a chance to say anything. Luka started at the phone in his hand. Had Carter really just hung up on him? Luka put the phone back in its place and rolled over in an attempt to fall back into a deep sleep. Luka’s mind kept drifting back to the short conversation with Carter. That man needed help, Luka knew that. He knew it too well. A memory began to form in his mind.

“Luka Kovac. I’m looking for Luka Kovac! Is Kovac here?” A tall, slightly overweight man with shocking red hair was looking around the shelter full of unkempt men and women.

“This is the last time. Kovac!”

Luka heard his name being called and sat up, shaking off the deep sleep that had held him, deaf and dumb to what was going on around him.

“Yeh, that is me. Kovac!” Luka waved his hand at the man.

The tall, red haired man walked across the room and stood in front of Luka. “Luka Kovac?” Luka nodded. “I’m Dan Marlen. From the First Assembly of God Church. How are you Luka?”

Luka had looked at the man with tired eyes, remembering the images of his dead wife and children, and answered, “I’m fine.”



Part 5
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