Camaraderie





Deb was coming out of the lounge when she spotted Carter walking through the ER doors. She had thought about calling him or going to see him the night before, but had decided against it. If Carter left without her, then he must have needed time to absorb what had occured between them. She knew that she was still absorbing it. It was hard to get used to the idea of her and Carter together. They had always been rivals on a friendly playing ground. Vying for the attention of anyone in authority, hoping to further their own careers. The thought of Carter as anything but “competition” had never entered her mind--until now.

Deb hovered near the door to the lounge, and felt her heart quicken as Carter neared. Her excitement turned to concern when she saw the dark circles under Carter’s puffy, sleep deprived eyes.

“Wow. I was going to say ‘good morning’, but it doesn’t look like it’s that good. Didn’t you get any sleep last night?” Deb questioned Carter as he entered the lounge.

Carter walked over to his locker and began to fumble with the combination. “I got a few hours.” he replied. Carter hadn’t expected to see Deb so soon. She was supposed to be off today.

“I thought you had the day off--boating with your parents.” Or maybe that was tomorrow. ‘God Carter, why can’t you just get it right for a change?’ Now he would be forced to tell Deb what he had been thinking about all night long.

“I did. But Cleo was looking for a switch, and,” Deb paused, “I knew you were working today.”

This was going to be harder than he thought. “Deb, I wanted to talk to you . . .” Before he could finish, the lounge door swung open and Lydia pushed her head through the door.

“Automobile versus pedestrian on the way in. We need you out here!” Carter grabbed his stethoscope out of his locker and slammed the door shut. He followed Deb out of the room, what he had to tell her would have to wait.

After a series of seemingly endless traumas, Carter slumped down into a chair at the table in the lounge with a pile of charts. Better to get them done now, than wait til his shift was over. Carter jumped as the door swung open and Mark and Luka came into the room, laughing at some joke one of them had just told.

“Is that what you call a good, clean joke back home Luka? Don’t use that one around Carol, she’ll make you clean it up with one of those baby wipes that are always sticking out of her purse.” Mark was at his locker waiting for Luka to respond to his taunt about Carol. “Luka?”

Mark glanced over at Luka who had his head buried in his own locker. “Luka!”

Luka jerked his head up. “I’m sorry, what? You want for me to get you a baby wipe from Carol?”

“Uh, no Luka. It was a joke.” Mark laughed at Luka’s misinterpretation of his joke. “I’ve got to get to work.” Mark closed his locker and left the lounge.

Luka stood for a moment, wondering if he should say something to Carter about his late night phone call. He was about to say something when Carter suddenly turned to him.

“Dr. Kovac. I’m really sorry about calling so late last night. I didn’t realise how late it was until I heard your voice. I knew you were sleeping. It was stupid of me.”

Luka studied Carter’s face and noted how exhausted he looked. He couldn’t have slept at all last night. What was he apologizing for? After all, hadn’t he been the one to tell Carter to call him when ever he needed to talk? He hadn’t said ‘only during the day’. No, he knew the call would come in the dark of the night. Whatever Carter was going through, he had finally reached out, but Luka blew it. He wasn’t fast enough--he let Carter make excuses and then hang up. Luka walked over to the table and sat down across from Carter.

“Carter. I don’t mind that you call. I told you to call, didn’t I? If you need to call and it’s 4 A.M., then call. I will wake up. Dreams--nightmares, they don’t come when the sun shines and our eyes are busy. They wait, wait until we are so tired we can’t stand it any longer. Until we are so tired, exhausted from struggling to stay awake. They come, even before our eyelids have fallen closed. That is when they are worst. When our sins are right in front of us, then all around us.” Luka fell silent, suddenly overwhelmed by the rememberance of the nightmares that, on occassion, still visited him at night.

Carter wanted desperately to tell the other doctor about his dreams that persisted in haunting him after all these months. He understood. He wouldn’t judge him, would he? One part of Carter’s brain screamed for him to be logical, to believe that Luka would not be horrified by what lived in Carter’s mind. But fear took over, as it always did, whispering to him that Luka’s nightmares couldn’t have been as sick and psychotic as Carter’s own. Luka would tell Mark, or Kerry, and they would tell Dr. Deraad. He would be locked away, probably with Sobricki. Maybe that’s where he belonged. He was after all, just as guilty as Sobricki for Lucy’s death.

Carter smiled at Luka, his ‘I’m alright, you can leave me alone now’ smile. “Thank you Dr. Kovac. I appreciate the offer. But really, I can handle the dreams. They’re not as bad as they were. I think in a few months, they won’t bother me at all.” Carter could tell by Luka’s face that he wasn’t satisfied with Carter’s assurances that everything would be fine.

“But I’ll call, if they get bad. I’ll call. Thank you.” Carter smiled at Luka again and then turned back to the pile of charts, dismissing Luka.

Luka stood up and looked down at Carter. Suddenly the room twisted and took on a new look. Books were piled everywhere, on large, antique bookshelves and tables. The room was darkened by thick curtains over the windows. There was only one light on in the dark room. Hunched over a book, straining to read the words in the faint light, sat Luka Kovac.



Part 6
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