Camaraderie





Carter stared at Luka, confused. Then he shook his head, as if to clear it. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were married.” He gulped, guiltily. “I thought you and Carol, were, um, dating. I’m sorry if I was being presumptuous.”

“No, don’t apologize. I am interested in Carol. I’m not sure if we are ‘dating’, but I hope we will be soon.”

Carter looked confused again, so Luka went on. “My family--my wife, my children--they are dead. They died in the war in Croatia. I don’t talk about them, about the war. It is still very painful for me. I have spent a lot of time trying to make peace with their deaths. But it is slow.”

Carter stirred, uncomfortable. “I don’t understand why you are telling me this Dr. Kovac.” Carter began to wish the other doctor would leave. He had enough on his mind without sharing in Dr. Kovac’s tragedy.

Luka looked at Carter and saw that he was sitting on the edge of his seat--ready to bolt. He had better get to his point and fast.

“Please, call me Luka. When I told you before about knowing about nightmares, I meant that. I dream of my beautiful wife, her dark hair blowing in the wind. Her smile. Her laugh. I see my children playing, happy. I hold them in my arms as they give me kisses. Then I see their bodies, lying buried under piles of rubble. I hear the sound of bombs exploding. I see my home collapsing, knowing my family is still inside.” He paused and looked at Carter who sat motionless, his eyes wide.

“I left them there, alone, to go and get food. I came back, and they were dead. I couldn’t help them. For a long time, I wish I was there with them when the bomb exploded. At least we would be together. Maybe I could have saved them. Maybe they had not died right away. I am a doctor damnit! I could have done something. But I will never know.” Luka stopped talking and covered his face with his hands. Tears flowed down his face. The memories were still so vivid. The guilt was still there, it always would be. Luka took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure. It had taken him a long time to be able to cry, and when he did, he didn’t try to stop the tears.

Carter leaned forward and put his hand on Luka’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. It must be very difficult for you to tell me this. Are you alright?”

Luka looked up and saw that Carter’s face was full of concern. No judgement, no condemnation like Luka had expected to receive for so many years. Only concern. He had learned after time that the only one who blamed Luka was himself. Luka relaxed. It felt good to tell someone about his family. He hadn’t liked keeping it a secret from his coworkers in the ER, but how do you casually tell people that your family was killed by a bomb in wartime? These Americans lived such a safe life, at least that was what he had thought until Valentine’s Day.

He took another deep breath, ready to go on. He began by answering Carter’s question. “Yes. I am alright. But I wasn’t for a long time. I wanted for everyone around me to believe that I was good, that I had not been scarred by the bomb that took my family. I had no right to be anything but good. I was alive. I was spared. I should be giving thanks to God, not bemoaning what was gone. What was lost. What God took from me that day. But I was not alright. I was not at peace. I was angry. I hated myself. I hated God. I hated God for letting them die, and I hated myself for living. What had I done to deserve the grace of God that my gentle family had not? How had they sinned? I came to the conclusion that it was not their sin that took their life, but my own. I must have sinned greatly to deserve a punishment like I had received. I decided that I must atone for my sins. I did not know how, so I prayed to God for an answer.

I had no home, no family to care for, so I turned away any offers for help from my neighbors and friends. I did not deserve their kindness. I thought maybe the pain in my empty stomach and the hard ground on which I slept would count towards my atonement. I walked through the burnt out streets, helping the wounded when I could. It was difficult without supplies, but I made do. It was cold, and many rain fell. But I could not complain. I was alive. I did not realize I had become ill until the torn up street spun in front of my eyes and I saw no more.

I opened my eyes many days later and felt a soft bed under my body. A woman, a nurse, saw that I was awake and came and gave me water. It felt so good on my tongue. I was so thirsty. I looked around and saw that I was in a hospital, but none that I recognized. I asked the nurse, where was I? She explained that a group of missionaries from the United States had come and set up a make shift hospital to help the wounded and the homeless. A missionary, Dan Marlen, had found me on the street and had brought me there. I was tired and slept again.

When I awoke the second time, a man was sitting by my side. It was Marlen. He told me that he was a minister in America. That he would be going back home in a few days. He told me that he believed that God wanted him to find me. That he hadn’t intended to walk down the street where he found me, but he felt a force pushing him in that direction. So he went, and he found me, and brought me here. He asked me about myself. I told him I was a doctor, a missionary of sorts like himself, trying to help those who had been touched by the war. He asked why I looked like I was starving, and why I was unconscious on the street. I told him. I had nothing to hide. He was a man of the cloth, he would understand that I had sinned and needed to atone for those sins. He had looked so sad when I told him about my family, about living on the street. He told me he wanted me to come to the United States, that I could make a life there. He said that he found me for a purpose, and since he was going back to the states, that was where I was to go. He said he would contact his embassy and see about getting me a visa and a passport. And he did. I had nothing left in Croatia. And I too believed that God had intended for Marlen to find me. I believed that my attempts to atone for my sins were weak, and God had sent Marlen to oversee my atonement. Why else would God send a missionary to me? So when Marlen returned to the states, I went with him.

Marlen was the minister of the First Assembly of God Church in Springfield. He was married and had two beautiful children of his own. Another reminder of my sin and punishment. His family welcomed me into their home like I was one of the family. Marlen invited me to come to church with him, and showed me the church library. It was so large, and the texts were old--ancient. Surely there were answers here--these books would tell me what God expected of me. So I went to the library every day and read through the books. But the answers were not there. Not the answer I was looking for. Instead, I found story after story about sacrifice and death. The stories I read were about making atonements such as my own. Yes, there was forgiveness, but sacrifice came first.

I was reading through these texts one night when suddenly Marlen was there. It was late, very late and I had not called and had not gone for dinner. Marlen was worried. I told him I was O.K., but Marlen did not belied he did not understand. The look on his face made me ashamed. I thought it was pity. I thought he saw me as weak, that I should have atoned long ago. Yet I still struggled to find the answer. But then he spoke and I knew I was wrong.

I was not prepared for what Marlen said to me that night--what he did. He took the book that I was reading, the ancient, sacred text and threw it across the room. It hit the wall and I jumped as the cover broke off. Was this man crazy? What was he doing? Then he sat down and looked at me and I saw that he was crying. He spoke to me then and changed my life.

‘Luka, God forgave you long ago for whatever sins you may have committed. God does not seek your atonement--he sent Christ to us for that reason. Don’t you know about Jesus Christ?’

I knew of Jesus Christ, but had been taught that he was a prophet, not the true Son of God as some believed. I shook my head no and waited to hear what Marlen had to say.

‘Jesus Christ was the sacrificial lamb, the one true way to forgiveness. There is no need to atone for your sins, because they are already forgiven. Don’t you know how much God loves you? God sent a part of himself, His only son to us and knew that He would be crucified. But He knew that for us to believe once and for all that we were His beloved children, it must be done. God does not punish by taking away those we love. But this world we live in is full of sin and death. God has offered us a way escape that sin. Our bodies will die, but your spirit can live on with God. All you need to do is believe. Do you believe that God loves you and allowed His only Son to die for you? If you do, then your sins are already forgiven. Do you believe?’

I had sat there for what seemed like hours, trying to absorb what I had just heard. Marlen sat by patiently, allowing me to think. Could it be possible that I was wrong all this time? That my family had not died because of some sin I had committed? I thought about Marlen finding me and bringing me here--I had thought it was so I could finally make a proper atonement. If that was wrong. . . well, that meant that Marlen had been sent to me for another reason. I had begun to cry with that realization. God loved me so much that he sent Marlen to find me, and bring me here. If God loved me that much, then surely what Marlen said about sacrificing His only Son was true as well.

Marlen embraced me then and let me cry. I cried for my wife who I would never kiss again, whose gentle face I would not see when my eyes opened in the morning sun. I cried for my son who would never grow to be a man. I cried for my little girl, whose daddy had not, could not save her. And I cried for myself. It was not my fault my family was dead. And even though my family was gone, I was not alone. God cared about me enough to send this gentle man to me--to show me the way.

I quieted my sobs then, and looked at Marlen. ‘I do believe.’”

Luka finished his story and looked at Carter. Carter’s face was red and he had tears on his cheeks. He did not move. What was he thinking?

“Carter--John. I still have nightmares about that day. But I also have forgiveness. I had to learn to forgive myself. If God could forgive me, then surely I could forgive myself. But it took time. The pain is still there. But something else is there too. God spared me for a reason. God brought Dan Marlen to me. God brought me to County. Maybe God brought me to you. We all have a purpose. Maybe this is part of mine. I’d like to believe so at least, wouldn’t you?”

Carter looked at Luka, his face calm for the first time since the attack. He answered, his voice soft. “Yes, I would.” He began to cry then, his shoulders heaving. He buried his face in his hands.

Luka reached over and took one of Carter’s hands. “There is no shame in crying. You have been through something terrible, and now it is time to forgive yourself--as God has forgiven you. You aren’t alone. You never were.”

Carter realized that Luka was not just talking about God. He had friends who had been at his side since the attack. All sympathetic, all wanting to know if he was O.K.. All reaching out at one time or another. And he had pushed them away. Just as he had attempted to push Luka away. But Luka came to him, Luka did not go away. And he had shared something private with Carter that would change his life forever.

“Thank you Luka. I was going to use this tonight.” He reached into his pocket and handed Luka a bottle of morphine. Luka gazed down at the small bottle and was filled with awe at God’s love. If he had not gone into the lounge for a drink and found Mark, Kerry, Jing-Mei and Dave talking, he would not be here tonight. And tomorrow, well, for Carter there may not have been a tomorrow.

Luka had something else to tell Carter. “John. I have been very concerned about you. But I would not have come here tonight except for God’s hand. I was on duty today and was suturing a cut. My mouth began to get very dry and I began to cough. I could not suture the cut because of my coughing. So I went to get a cup of coffee from the lounge. When I went in, I thought I was disturbing a private meeting. Mark and Kerry and Jing-Mei and Dave were there talking, all very serious. I excused myself but Mark asked me to wait.”

Luka paused and looked at Carter. “They were talking about you John. They were afraid for you. They asked me to che

was alone, but now he knew he never was. He didn’t have to be alone. He didn’t have to seek atonement either, as he had been doing by quietly suffering through the pain--both physical and spiritual. It was time to reach out. It was time to heal.

“Luka, I dream every night of her. . ..” John talked for over an hour and Luka listened to his friend as Dan Marlen had listened to him.

* * * * * * * *

Dave Malucci saw Carter signing out at the desk and rushed over. “Hey John. You off?”

Carter looked up and saw Dave standing there with a devilish grin. “Yeah, why?”

“I just thought we could go check out a hot new club Jing-Mei was telling me about. You in?”

Carter grinned. “Definitely. Anyone else going?”

“Well, I thought I might invite Festus along.”

“You know Dave. You really should stop calling her that. She might be insulted by it.”

Just then a voice answered from behind Carter. “Nah, I know he means it only in the best way, don’t you Dave?” Carter whirled around to find Kerry standing behind him.

“Kerry! So, you coming?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Kerry began to walk towards the lounge. “Oh, by the way, Luka and Carol are meeting us there.”

Mark Greene walked up and dropped a pile of charts on the desk. “You guys going somewhere?”

Dave answered. “Yeah. We’re checking out a new club. You coming?”

“Unfortunately I’m on until six. Count me in the next time though.” Mark picked up the pile of charts and headed for an empty corner. He called behind him, “Have fun!”

Carter and Dave intercepted Jing-Mei and Kerry coming out of the lounge. Laughing, the group pushed out of the ambulance bay doors and walked towards the El.

The End




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