CATEGORY: KW Angst
RATING: PG, nothing wild here <G>
SPOILERS: Through “Damage is Done”
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own ER, that belongs to a whole bunch of people who have way more money than I do. I don’t own the song “Cornflake Girl”, Tori Amos does and she has a hell of a lot more money than I do as well
AUTHOR’S NOTES: It’s a theory of some that the song “Cornflake Girl” is really about sexuality. <shrugs> I don’t know, but it’s a cool song, and it made me think of Kerry. “She’s gone to the other side… this is not real, this is not really happening” Anyway… just a short reflection post the kiss in “Damage is Done”
SUMMARY: Kerry contemplates her sexuality after the kiss
God, everyone knew. EVERYONE, I didn't need to be fodder for the hospital gossip mills, but here it was that everyone knew.
I never expected to be attracted to a woman. I was married; I dated men… enjoying sex with many of them. I wouldn't have given a woman a second look… until Kim. Kim was beautiful, and fun to be around. She made me feel special. She also seemed to push me. With her there was always pressure. Pressure to take that next step, pressure to move at a speed I wasn't ready for and pressure to shut off how I was feeling. In spite of all of the pressure, I loved her. I fell for her. Looking back, it was an unhealthy relationship, but I loved her. God, I sound like one of those abuse victims who come into the ER beaten half to death by some boyfriend or husband but refuse to press charges. "But he loves me!"
Still Kim had given me the boot, due to my insecurity over my own nature. What did she expect though? I had just discovered that I wasn't straight, I wasn't ready to go march in the nearest gay pride parade. Was I even gay? I definitely had been attracted to the men I'd been with in my life and was clearly sexually attracted to them. I guess that would make me bisexual, though I really don't like labels. Just my luck, I fall into the one group that makes me more of an outcast than I already am. At least if I was a lesbian, I could stand up and say so and be some kind of hero or something. There aren't any Time magazine covers that say "Yep, I'm bi".
I guess that's why I told Romano I was a lesbian, better he think that I was a lesbian, which is socially acceptable, or MORE socially acceptable than "playing for both teams". Anyway, after I did that I had to escape for a few weeks. The fake trip to Africa seemed like a good enough excuse. Instead of going to Africa, though, I didn't go any further than my own couch. Of course there were the days when even my couch seemed like too far to go and I stayed in bed.
Eventually though, I was able to force myself out of bed and to work, where I met Sandy. She was pretty, hot, fun, smart, but the same old issues crept up. She assumed I was a lesbian and had no attraction to men, I didn't correct her. How could I anyway? What was I to say, "Oh honey, I love you, but sometimes I wish you had a penis"? She figured that I wasn't at ease being gay which was why I wasn't out of the closet. Again, I didn't bother to correct her. I just… I didn't feel comfortable trying to explain.
So we split, then she kissed me at work. God, that was the LAST thing I needed. She claimed she did me a favor and I'd eventually see it. She really didn't. What if I date a man again? He'll find out from the ER grapevine before I get a chance to tell him. She didn't do me a favor in the least.