Can you smell-l-l-l-l what the Crock is cookin'?
CATEGORY: ER WWF Crossover
SPOILERS: Okay, a reference to Homecoming, but seeing as I haven't even seen it yet (damn British TV, show me ER!), it's not exactly the most shocking spoiler ever.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own ER. I don't own the WWF, or any characters from either programme mentioned in this. Although, y'know, if they want to give me Carter or the Rock…
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Um, okay. You might hate WWF but still like this, although it could help if you know who Chyna and that are. Also, absolutely no offence to anyone I may have slagged in this, such as…Lita, or Luka. Yeah well, if he knew how his family died I'd be nicer to him. And Cleo, I'm not sorry…because I don't like you. It's plain and simple girl. PG-13 because of some language, nothing terrible. And there's no real violence, apart from a few stunners, but I didn't go into graphic detail. Like I could, uh-hu. It's not very medical. In fact, it's not at all medical. Ah well. Feedback's always welcome.
SUMMARY: Carter falls unconscious and wakes in a world he never dreamed he would ever be in. A world known as the WWF.
CARTER, KERRY, ABBY, DAVE, DEB, CORDAY, PETER BENTON, DOUG ROSS, MARK, LUKA, CLEO, ROMANO
THE ROCK, STONE COLD, STEPHANIE, TRIPLE H, LITA, CHYNA, GRAND MASTER SEXY, SCOTTIE TOO HOTTIE, CHRIS JERICHO, D'LO BROWN, A REFEREE, MICK FOLEY
CAN YOU SMELL-L-L-L-L WHAT THE CROCK IS COOKIN'?
John Carter let out a cross between a sigh and moan, and massaged the base of his back with his free hand, the other held a chart that Haleh had just handed him.
" C'mon, Haleh, I'm on a break."
Haleh looked into his immense, soft brown eyes, coaxing her into letting him off. Her resolve hardened as she saw the chaos around her.
" Not anymore you aren't. You can go on a break after this. It's only an arm lac. You'll manage."
John grimaced at her retreating back, and mimicked her in a high, falsetto voice sarcastically to himself, " You'll manage." Ha. He was so tired, he doubted he could manage even a simple arm lac. He'd been doing double shifts all this week, and was exhausted. Carter rubbed his eyes and
downed his coffee before springing to his feet and making his way to Exam 2, where- Carter glanced briefly down at his chart- Mr. McMahon awaited him.
" Hi Mr. McMahon, I'm Dr. Carter, I'm gonna take a look at your arm, okay?" Carter grabbed a suture kit, pulled on his gloves, drew up a stool and proceeded to sew up the long cut running down the patients arm. Carter grimaced when he saw the injury.
" Looks pretty deep. How did you do it?"
The man ran his free hand through his short brown hair, and smiled. " Steel chairs serve many different purposes."
Carter frowned, not understanding, before recognition lit up his eyes. " Hey, you're…"
" Vince McMahon, of the World Wrestling Federation," said Vince, with a grin. He cocked his head to one side, watching the young doctor work. " Do you watch?"
Carter grinned back. " When I can. Work hours really mess up my TV schedule at times." Carter suppressed a sudden yawn, and Vince observed him objectively.
" And your sleep schedule," he replied, hitting the nail on the head. Carter nodded, and shrugged.
" You get used to it. But things aren't exactly calm round here a the best of times." Carter glanced up and laughed. " Though they're not exactly calm over at the Federation either, huh?"
Vince laughed with him, acknowledging his remark. " That's what makes it interesting. I could show you a few moves it you want." Carter looked up at him incredulously, the tiredness leaving his face.
" Really?" he asked, " I always wanted to know how exactly the crippler cross-face works."
Vince grimaced. " Chris Benoit. What an attitude. I mean, the WWF is all about attitude, but Chris is warped. Now, a good attitude in the WWF is the Rock's attitude, or maybe Too Cool's. But Benoit." Vince shook his head as Carter finished suturing and placed a bandage over the wound.
" Yeah, Benoit is a little, well, he's just Benoit. The Rock's great. Kurt Angle on the other hand…jeez. Mr. "milk is strong in calcium" really needs to stop going on about his medals. Okay, you won gold. Duly noted, but it's pretty much his line of defence. He figures he's better than the others because he's got gold medals. It gets a little heavy on the ears, if you know what I mean."
Vince thoughrally agreed with Dr. Carter. He'd have a chat with Kurt when he returned to New York.
" Now, in order to do the crippler cross-face, you gotta have already weakened your opposition. So you kick, you punch, you trip, you punch a little more," as Vince demonstrated these moves his fist accidentally connected soundly with John's chin, and the doctor was sent flying to the ground, where he whacked his head violently against the gurney, and crumpled on the floor unconscious.
Vince shrugged and walked towards the door, and out of County General.
* * * *
Carter slowly struggled to open his eyes, stars and other images dancing before his eyes. He suddenly realised that those images were real. He slowly stood, taking in the area around him.
Holy shit, thought Carter to himself, taking in the huge crowd, the darkened arena, the famous ramp and the screens around it, and the writing on the wall:www.WWF.com.
Carter shook his head slightly, and winced as a sudden onset of pain was unleashed on his body. He glanced up to see replays of himself being attacked by Shane McMahon whilst addressing the screaming fans. He could here the King talking as he idly watched Shane being restrained in a corner.
" And The Crock appears to be okay, but, oh my God, what's this?"
Carter looked towards the ramp at the sound of breaking glass. What he saw made his jaw hang open in shock, but before he could think about that, he thought to himself, The Crock? Jeez, what was I thinking when I made up that name? Carter cocked one eyebrow at a struggling Shane, rubbed his jaw and turned towards his newest foe…
AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE, COZ STONE COLD SEZ SO!
Down the ramp came a fiery looking Kerry Weaver, crutch and all. The crowd screamed even more, but John was more interested in the fact that Kerry was looking a lot stronger than she'd been the last time he'd seen her. And her temper was not unlike the one she got in when she'd been on all night. Jesus, thought Carter, I do hope she's not coming down to hurt me. He tried to avoid Weaver when she got into rages, but there was no escaping her now.
Weaver pulled herself into the ring and snatched the microphone of the ground where Carter had dropped it.
" Shane McMahon!" she screamed, " Last night, I formed an allegiance with the Crock. When he gets hurt in a situation like the one we have right here, I, Stone Cold Kerry Weaver, help him out a little, and vice versa." Shane was trapped in the middle of the ring as Kerry began to circle him. " And normally," Kerry continued with a shriek, " I'd let the Crock have this fight, cos he could beat your ass to hell and back if he wanted to. But," Kerry paused, and Carter basked in her praise. " Shane, you're beginning to piss me off. So I'm gonna handle it myself!"
With that Kerry leapt on the surprised rookie and stunnered him for all she was worth.
Suddenly Carter was distracted by an attractive brunette running down the ramp towards the ring. She wasn't moving very quickly, as she was wearing a tight suede skirt that accentuated her long slender legs.
Abby, thought Carter? Jesus!
TRIPLE D AND ABBY MCMAHON MAKE AN APPEARENCE
" Here comes Shane's loyal sister, Abby McMahon Helmsley, trying no doubt to help her brother, and she is being followed by her husband, Triple D."
" Delicious Dr. Dave," filled in the voluptuous blonde next to the King.
Trish Stratus, thought Carter in disapproval, always after other peoples' men.
Abby and Dave both clambered into the ring (though admittedly, Abby was having more than a little trouble with her skirt) and (once she was standing) Abby held up her mike and spoke.
" Stone Cold Kerry, I don't care what you and the Crock think, you are not going to hurt Shane! Or Triple D, my loyal husband, will hurt you!" she turned her head to a rather put out looking Triple D. He could take on the Crock, no problem, but Stone Cold Kerry? Festus herself? Not a great idea.
Dave was saved as more music was played and a redheaded Deb strode down into the ring. Carter attempted a straight face as he saw that her pants definitely didn't cover her thong.
" Oh My God! And here comes Dita!" screamed out the King, getting rather excited at the state of Dita's pants.
PULL UP THOSE PANTS, GIRL!
Dita grabbed the mike off Abby as she clambered into the ring. The King licked his lips as she did so; her pants were slipping further down her ass by the second.
" Look!" screamed Dita, " MY NAME IS NOT DITA! IT'S JING MITA! JEEZ! And Stone Cold, I don't want to fight you. Shane, you're not worth fighting. And Crockie," she shimmied towards Carter, and attempted to look seductive, but only managing to roll her eyes, " Crockie, I wanna do much more than fight with you!" she turned her attention to Abby, and screamed, " However, Abby, I do wanna fight you!" And Carter watched in amazement as the two women tore each other with their nails, slapped each other silly and tugged viciously on each others hair. Dave made no attempt to stop Dita, oh, sorry Jing-Mita, (so confusing, why can't these people stick to the same names?) he was looking rather excited by this impromptu cat-fight (as was the King) and was not about to stop the fun. Kerry took advantage of Dave and Abby's well, uh, preoccupation, shall we say, and began to stunner Shane once more. Carter ran his hand through his hair and gazed at the ramp, wondering who was next…
THE NINTH WONDER OF THE WORLD
Carter did a double take as he saw Elizabeth Corday stalk down to the ring scantily clad in leather. He shook his head. Mark really is lucky, he thought, and so much for Dale's theory that scrubs are transparent.
Corday didn't take the mike when she reached the ring. She just cocked her head to one side and gazed at Abby and Jing-Mita.
" They've got their technique all wrong," Carter heard her mutter under her breath. " Gracious. Kids today."
The King's excitement appeared to have tripled.
" Oh My GOD!! HERE COMES CHORDAY, THE NINTH WONDER OF THE WORLD!!!"
Carter shot him a worried glance, and saw the veins were popping out of his head in wonder.
Music startled Carter out of his trance. It was good music, very dance/R&B.
TOO COOL…GRAND MASTER PETEY & DOUGIE TOO LOVELY (so sue me, it doesn't rhyme)
He turned to see Dr. Benton and Dr. Doug Ross, both dressed in scrubs and khaki, come dancing down the ramp.
And stared a little more.
Jesus, he thought, Doug definitely suited short hair. and had Benton gone totally raving mad?
" hey, Chorday!" said Peter, greeting his ex. " haven't seen you all day!" he turned his focus to the two women on the floor.
" Thought we might just come by and say hello," said Doug sweetly, before turning his attention to Kerry and Shane. " You know Petey, I never thought I'd say this, but Stone Cold Kerry's doing the right thing today. I bless her soul."
" Amen," grinned Peter, before shaking his head at both Abby and Jing-Mita. " No, no!" he yelled " The other way! Their technique needs some work," he commented to Elizabeth.
" And fast," said Elizabeth, scratching her hands. Uh-oh.
" Looks like poison ivy," said Peter. " You'll want to put some cream on it."
Elizabeth sighed, and scratched even more.
IT WILL NEVER, E..E..E..EVER HAPPEN AGAIN! WE ARE NOT GOING CAMPING NEAR PIOSON IVY NEXT TIME!
Carter turned once more as more music began to play, and Y2G flashed up on the screens.
Then Carter stopped mid turn as he saw Mark coming towards them, scratching his nether regions, his goatee neatly trimmed, his hair long and golden, his glasses replaced by vibrant blue contacts.
" Chorday!" he whined, flashing his bare chest around, " It's so itchy what have you been touching?"
Elizabeth shifted uneasily, as the King giggled.
" And what has Chorday been touching to get Mark Greenicho so itchy down under?"
Peter cracked up.
Doug cracked up.
Kerry stunnered Shane.
Abby slapped Jing-Mei.
Jing-Mei slapped Abby.
Elizabeth blushed scarlet.
Carter stared around him in shock. This was not happening. But Jeez, you'd think Elizabeth would keep her hands to herself with poison ivy, thought Carter, poor, poor Mark.
YOU BETTER RECOGNISE!
Carter groaned as more music began to blast out of the loudspeakers, and Luka strode easily down the ramp. When Peter saw him, his eyes narrowed, and Carter groaned again. Okay, so the guy prioritised a kid over a shooter. Move on. Carter groaned even more as Doug also narrowed his eyes, having obviously worked out that this was the guy who was so close to Carol.
" And here comes D'Lo Luka, and Too Cool are not looking happy about this!"
" Grand Master Petey and Dougie Too Lovely both have interesting personal battles with this Croatian hottie," chipped in Trish, licking her lips, but not enough to dislodge her perfect lipstick, and batting her eyelashes at Luka.
Luka pulled himself into the ring and snatched the mike off Mark and began to talk.
" Grand Master Petey, Dougie Too Lovely, I didn't abandon him! Oh, I mean I didn't come down here to fight! I came down to watch those two fight!"
" okay, okay," said Peter, " But seriously man, what is with the gel!"
Luka shrugged. " Hey, I don't even know if my family were killed when the apartment was bombed or if they were taken away. You expect me to know why I have gel?"
Peter shrugged. " Good point."
And so Luka positioned himself next to Elizabeth and gazed down at Jing-Mei at Abby (admittedly, his focus was more on Abby).
" Oh…" he moaned, " That technique!"
" Ghastly," said Elizabeth.
" Awful," said Peter.
" Terrible," said Doug.
" I'm going to be sick," muttered Carter.
DING DING DING! THE BELL HAS RUNG, BUT THE CARNAGE CONTINUES…
Carter was suddenly conscious of a bell ringing loudly, trying to stop Kerry stunnering Shane, and that a rather muscled and female referee was standing in the middle of the ring.
" STOP!!!!!!" she screamed in a harsh voice, her face contorted, but her eyes passive. " KERRY…"
" STONE COLD WEAVER to you, you…"
" I'M IN CHARGE I'LL CALL YOU KERRY IF I BLOODY WELL WANT TOO!"
" OH NO YOU WON'T! AARGHHHH!"
And with that Kerry grabbed Cleo and threw her up in the air and batted her out into the crowd using her cane as a baseball bat.
" Thanks Stone Cold," said Peter, with a relieved grin, " she was really beginning to bug me.
Kerry grunted, and stunnered Shane.
ROLEY. RICK ROLEY. AKA RANKIND
As the fans screamed with joy at seeing Kerry deal with their least favourite referee ever, Carter saw Romano come strolling down the ramp, mike in hand, wearing a WF attitude shirt and his usual rocket covered head scarf style thing.
" Here comes Rick Roley," said the King, still not fully recovered from the poison ivy excitement.
Romano pulled himself into the ring, handed Peter his mike, let his gaze linger on Elizabeth's leather for a little to long, before yanking apart Jing-Mei and Abby and holding both by the scruff of their necks.
" STOP NOW!" He yelled, " Jing-Mita, for Christ's sake, pull up your pants!"
He put the two women down at opposite ends of the ring, gave Kerry an approving glance, before giving Elizabeth an even more approving glance. " Chorday, I must say, I absolutely adore your outfit today."
Lack of outfit more like, thought Carter.
" Now!" continued Romano, " Petey, Dougie, D'Lo Luka, shows over, get outta my ring!" The three men slowly trailed away, muttering curses under their breath. " Mark Greenicho, I'm pretty sure I've got some cream you could use in my office, go and find it, okay?" Mark hurriedly ran away, scratching harder with every step. Elizabeth tried to follow him, but was held back. " Hey, hey! Chorday, stay awhile!"
" But I need to get the cream…"
" I'll give it to you later."
Elizabeth narrowed her eyes at Romano.
" Rick Roley! Aren't you gonna stop that, that MANIAC Stone Cold Kerry Weaver stunnering my brother Shane?!"
" No," said Romano calmly, who was rather enjoying Kerry's fight with Shane. " Now, you, Abby and you, Triple D, go bake cookies or something, get outta my ring!"
" GET OUTTA MY RING!"
Abby and Triple D sulkily shuffled away.
Carter stared around in wonder.
Suddenly Kerry changed her tactics for dealing with Shane, and threw him across the ring.
Shane landed right on top of Carter.
The last thing Carter heard, was " OH! And Shane has once again knocked out the Crock!"
* * * *
Kerry gently pressed an ice-pack against the large bump at the back of Carter's head.
" John," she said softly, seeing his eyes flicker, " John, can you hear me?"
Carter snapped open his eyes and jumped when he saw Kerry, dressed as she always was, with her white lab coat on.
" Hey Kerry," he said, wincing as he sat up.
" Hey, hey, take it easy," said Kerry, steadying him. " Did you hurt your back?"
Carter gingerly stretched and tested his back, before flashing a smile at Weaver, incapable of getting the image of her muscled and stunnering Shane out of his mind. " I'm okay," he reassured her.
" Okay. Well, keep this ice-pack against your head, and take a break."
Carter grinned up at her.
" Oh, it's okay. I feel fine, honestly. Can I get up yet?"
" Hmm," said Kerry, " okay, but take it easy. Stick to sutures for awhile."
" Okay," said Carter, still only seeing her as Stone Cold.
Seeing the twinkle in his eye, Kerry frowned. " What?"
" No, seriously, what?"
" Nothing," insisted Carter, keeping a straight face with difficulty, and standing up with vigour.
Kerry frowned again. " Well…I'll send Malucci in, he was looking for you earlier."
Carter nodded and smiled happily up at her. " Kay. Thanks, Kerry."
Kerry slowly walked away, wondering if the bump on John's head was worse that she had thought. Seeing Malucci in the corridor, she grabbed him.
" Malucci, Exam 2, Carter, NOW!"
" Yes CHIEF!" said Malucci, and skipped into Exam 2, where Carter was waiting. " Hey, my man, tickets to the Armageddon, WWF, Sunday, how about it?" Malucci paused as Carter burst out laughing and fell back on the bed.
" And I thought he liked WWF," thought Dave, confused to the pants.