One Day At A Time




He tossed and turned for what seemed like hours, he knew he had slept some, but he certainly felt far from rested. The nausea had returned with vengence, and if it weren't for the fact that his presence at an AA meetings every single night was mandatory, he would have rolled back over and simply stayed home. That wasn't part of his life now. There was no such thing as relaxing, he realized that with chagrin. He glanced at the digital clock on his bedside, it was 7:30, his grandmother would be calling any minute to wake him. He picked up the phone to call her, and tell her he was awake and getting ready to leave. He lifted the phone from it's cradle, his hand was shaking. He wasn't cold. As a matter of fact, he felt like he was burning up. He dialed the number at the house, with some difficulty, his fingers would not cooperate with what his brain was telling them to do.

His grandmother answered the phone on the first ring.

"Gamma, I'm awake."

"John, you sound terrible, headache still bothering you?" The concern was evident in her voice.

"Yeah, it's still there."

"Why don't you just stay home tonight dear, I'll call your 'friends' at the hospital, I can explain to them that you are indeed feeling under the weather."

"Thanks Gamma, but I have to go, nothing short of death is an excuse for missing a meeting."

"That's sounds rather harsh to me dear."

"I did it to myself Gamma, I need to follow through with this, alright?"

He heard the sigh escape from his grandmother, he knew she worried about him. He tried to reassure her.

"Gamma, I'll be fine, it's just a headache."

"Yes, and I know how your headache cycles go, you fail to realize John that I was the one taking care of you through your teenage years, when the migraines started. It's in your best interest, to stay in bed and let this headache run it's course. You certainly do not need to be driving. Why don't you at least let me take you, or Henry can take you to your meeting." She paused momentarily, "at least let me do that for you."

John sighed, she was right. He didn't need to be driving. He was having difficulty focusing, and his hands were shaking. "Alright Gamma."

"Thank you John, I'll pick you up at 8:15, does that give you enough time to get ready?"

"Yes, I'll jump in the shower, and be up at the house in half an hour."

"No, I'll come around to pick you up."

"Gamma, I can..."

He was cut off.

"Now you listen to me John, I will be there to pick you up at 8:15 understand?"

"Yes, that will be fine." He knew better than to argue with her. When his Gamma had her mind set, that's just the way it would be.

"By the way, have you spoken with Helen lately? She's called a few times to see how you've been. She's also been keeping up with your apartment for you."

"No, I haven't talked with her in the past week." John felt immediately guilty for not calling.

"Well, I think when you're feeling better, you need to give her a call. She's been worried about you."

"All right, I will." John replied, knowing that he would put it off as long as possible. For some reason, he felt that Helen could see right through him. As a matter of fact, he often thought the woman was psychic. It was like having someone read your mind, and then tell you what you're thinking. Sometimes it was downright eerie.

"8:15." Millicent said again, "I'll pick you up then."

John hung up the phone with shaking hands. He felt like his heart was going to pound out of his chest. It's pounding matched the pounding in his head, beat for beat.

He rolled out of his warm cocoon, and retrieved some clean clothes out of his closet. He made his way toward the bathroom, stopping to look at his haggard reflection in the mirror. His hair was a total mess, and his face was flushed. He felt his head, cool as could be, no temperature. He was suddenly so dizzy, he held onto the side of the sink for support, his heart was pounding. He had a difficult time catching his breath. He opened the medicine cabinet, and reached again for the Motrin. He shook four more into his hand, and tossed them into his mouth. The hand holding the glass of water was steadily shaking. He started the shower, and waited a few moments for the water to get hot. He undressed, and put his disheveled clothes in a pile. He stepped into the hot spray, and felt himself relax a bit. The hot water initially making his head pound that much harder, but now soothing his muscles as he leaned against the shower wall. He lathered his hair, and washed. He tried to keep his mind off of the fact that he basically felt like shit. He turned the water off, and grabbed the towel.

As he finished dressing, he realized that buttoning his shirt was going to be quite a challenge, his hands were shaking. He went back to his closet, and grabbed a pullover sweater. That solved the problem. Shaving was not even a consideration. He'd end up slitting his throat. Oh well, he was thinking about growing the beard back anyway, even though, his grandmother really disliked it. His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing phone.

He picked it up, thinking it would be his grandmother, he was unpleasantly surprised.

"Carter, this is Mark, did you get my message?"

Mark Green sounded slightly irritated. Nothing unusual as far as John was concerned. The man was always irritated with him. Seemed he could do nothing right in his eyes.

"No." John lied.

"Oh, well, I need you to come back in. There were some anomolies in your urine specimen."

"Like what kind of anomolies?" John asked.

"I'd rather discuss it when you get here."

"Can't I do this Saturday, I'm on my way to a meeting, I'm off tomorrow, and I'm really not feeling very well."

"You don't say? No, Saturday isn't good, has to be tonight."

John sighed.

"You agreed to these rules Carter, remember, we could have tossed you out on your ass....." Mark kept up the tirade until John finally stopped him.

"You know, Dr. Green." He emphasized the Dr. part, "I have done everything you wanted of me, just because a person screws up doesn't mean he has to keep paying for his mistake his entire life. I realize that yes, I did agree to some stipulations, in order to cover the hospital's ass, it sure as hell isn't to cover mine, and I've done everything I've been asked. Now, I have a migraine, Iam human, did you forget that? I am a human being, I make mistakes, I get sick, and I do have feelings. Now, you can either tell me what the hell was the problem with the specimen or you can tell my attorney, because I've just about had it with your cryptic bullshit."

There was complete silence at the other end of the phone.

"So, you're telling me that you refuse to come in." Mark said more forcefully than he had intended.

"No, that's not what I'm saying, I'm saying that I have a mandatory meeting to attend in 45 minutes, that is also part of the 'list of things Carter has to do', as well. Therefore, coming in right now is not going to work for me. I have offered to do this on Saturday, even a recovering drug addict is entitled to a day off from work Dr. Green, and I am off tomorrow, I have a hell of a migraine, I intend to sleep it off. I will give you another specimen on Saturday, and you can even feel free to take some blood."

Another lengthy pause on the phone.

"Fine, but I'm writing this in your personel record."

"Fine, whatever you feel the need to do, I'm sure you'll support me in any way that you can, right?" John said sarcastically, then hung up the phone.

He muttered to himself as he finished putting on his shoes, "Screw you, screw the hospital, screw the whole damned system! They can take their stinking job and shove it right up their pompous, holier than thou asses! I don't need this bullshit!" He realized he was talking louder with each phrase.

**********************

Millicent stood outside John's front door, listening intently to his end of the conversation with Dr. Green and the verbal assauge that followed. She wiped at her eyes, tears came so easily to her these days. It just wasn't fair. Yes, John was taking some drugs, they were prescribed, for the most part. And it was that damned hospital that pushed and pushed and kept pushing...they were part of the problem, although, they wouldn't take that responsibility, no, it was all John's doing. Well, what about the fact that their doctors were the ones prescribing the meds, what about the fact that John felt constantly pressured to perform above and beyond his physical capabilities at the time because of their constant pushing, and making him feel inferior and useless if he was able to perform less, even for a short period of time. It made her angry, angry and afraid. Afraid for what this was doing to John. He was obviously very unhappy. He needed to do some thinking, of how he wanted to spend the rest of his life, under this microscope that County had him under, or making a real 'fresh' start elsewhere. He owed County nothing. They damn near took his life, and now they were taking his mind and soul as well. This would end. Millicent Carter would see to that. The Carter Fondation still funded the clinic as well as several other entities at the hospital. She would see to it that funding was pulled. She may not be able to make things more bearable for John, but she would see to it that things were most unbearable for the powers that be at County General.

She knocked on the door. John answered, with his shoes untied. He looked flustered.

"What's wrong John?"

"I can't get my shoes tied." He stated.

"Sit down over there." She pointed to the bed.

His hands were shaking, and he looked as though he were ready to jump out of his skin.

"John..." She started.

"I know Gamma, I don't feel well okay? I'll admit it."

"Is it just that? You seem upset."

John looked into his Gamma's eyes, another psychic. He was surrounded, it was no use. "Yes, I'm upset."

"You want to talk about it?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I would like to talk about it..." John hesitated exactly one second before he started in, "Mark Green wants me, no, demanded of me, to come back to the hospital to re-take a urine tox screen, I did it once today, and he wants me to come back in to do it again, without giving me any indication of why. I wasn't doing a thing wrong, hadn't even taken so much as a Tylenol when this damned headache started, I'm so afraid to take ANYTHING...I'm tired of running scared, I'm tired of jumping through their hoops, I'm sick of the whole damned thing. I've done everything they've asked of me, and this bull, uh garbage about 'supporting me' was just so much hot air. They have no intention of supporting me, they want me out, but want me out of there in a way that makes them in no way feel responsible. That's what I think." John took a deep breath, then put his face in his hands, "how did I let myself get in so deep Gamma, how did I let this happen, I knew when I did it that it was wrong, but the pain...it was constant...and the only thing that took it away....I knew, but I did it anyway....how long...." he shook his head free from his hands, "how long do I need to be constantly reminded, constantly demoralized, constantly feel inferior, how long Gamma?"

The obvious pain in his eyes, made her heart ache for him. She fought back her tears, this would not help him, this she knew.

"I don't know honey, I just don't know." She sat beside him on the bed, and held him tight. He wasn't crying, but close to tears, and that wouldn't help his headache. "It's going to be okay, John. I'll help you in any way I can, you know you can count on me. I love you more than you'll ever know. I know you can do anything you set your mind to. You are a good person, a kind-hearted person, and a trustworthy person. I trust you John. I trust your judgement, even when I don't agree with your decisions, I trust you, and I love you." She held him tight, he was all she really had, and she wasn't going to let him go down this road alone. He needed someone he could consistent depend upon. God knew, he didn't have that at work. He couldn't even depend upon having his job, it was a constant drain on him emotionally. Enough was enough.

Millicent looked at her watch, "we had better get a move on."

John gave his Gamma a tight hug and kissed her gently on the cheek, "thanks Gamma." His voice caught for just a moment, "I love you too."

Millicent smiled, and gave him another squeeze, mussed his hair a bit, and got him moving toward the car.

*************************

"So, when is he coming in?" Kerry asked.

"He's not." Mark stated as he picked up another chart.

"Not?"

"No."

"Now what?" Kerry asked.

"Now, nothing, he'll come in Saturday, he's agreed to bloodwork and another urine tox screen." Mark stated.

"He's not taking the medication Mark."

"I know Kerry, but it was clean otherwise. It's not like..." Mark was cut off.

"Mark he knew the stipulations, and he's breaking them, are you just going to let him get away with this?"

"Kerry, just leave it alone, I talked to him, and just trust me on this one okay? Leave it be."

The conversation was obviously over, and Kerry went back to the task at hand, her mind pre-occupied with Carter. He couldn' t be calling the shots here, no way. She would make sure he got a good dressing down about this one on Saturday. They worked the same shift and if Mark wouldn't do it, she would.

*********************

They pulled into a parking space in the church parking lot. The meeting was just about to begin, and it looked crowded.

"John. I'd like to go with you." Millicent said.

"Gamma...." He started.

"John, I am going with you." Millicent shut off the ignition, and opened her door.

They walked in together, and found a place to sit down in the crowded room. John looked around and finally made eye-contact with Abby, who smiled at him, as he sat with his own little support system. She seemed pleased, and John smiled back, for the fist time in weeks, the smile actually making it to his eyes.

He crossed his hands, to keep them from shaking. He felt a flush go over his face and was suddenly feeling as if the room were either too small, or just too hot. He tried to concentrate on the speaker. He leaned over toward his grandmother, "I have to use the restroom, I'll be right back."

He left his spot, as quickly and quietly as possible. The nausea was about to overwhel him as he hurried toward the men's room.



Part 3
Fanfiction Home