Okay, this is a break from my normal series, I have been reading some humour fics recently and decided it was time for me to do one! So here it is, basically its a send up of most Doug and Carol fics (I am a little worried that my own normal fics may be like this I hope not!). I just want to make it clear that I intend no offence by this, in fact the first few fics I read with these sort of storylines I really enjoyed. But then everyone jumped on the bandwagon and it got boring, and strangely funny! So, forgive me for this, but it had to be done! Triggersaurus
Sun rises on Doug and Carol in bed, Doug smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his lips, Carol gazing at him adoringly. They get up and go to the hospital, since they are both on at the same time, 10 oclock in the morning just enough time for a shag and lie in.
They walk into the ER to find Mark in a passionate moment with Susan, slap bang in the middle of the corridor. The staff are standing around them in a circle, like a circus crowd, whooping and cheering, slapping Mark on the back. Doug joins them, shouting Hey buddy, good on you buddy, thats great buddy Suddenly a child wanders through the ER doors, crying. Carol rushes over and picks her up and takes her to an exam room, Doug following at a trot. The kid magically stops crying as she sees Doug and smiles sweetly. Doug smiles back, calls her sweetheart and lays her down. He finds a large boot print on her stomach and charges out of the room, with Carol close behind him, shouting at him to calm down. He runs up to Nina Pomeranzs office and sits down. He tells her all about his awful childhood and how his father was never there and beat him up when he was. He cries as he tells the story, and then has a flashback of it all. He comes to with Carol looking into his eyes and they kiss passionately.
They go back to the ER, where everyone is goggling at Susie, who has returned with Susan. She runs up to Mark, calling him Daddy, as Mark turns to Doug and Carol to tell them that the wedding will be tonight, Doug is the best man, Carol is a bridesmaid (as is every other female member of the ER staff) and Susie is the flower girl. Doug tells him that he would love to be best man, buddy, and that he thinks this is just great, buddy, and Carol hugs Susan and Susie. Then Doug hears more crying and goes back to the exam room, to find Kerry Weaver shouting at the girl who came in earlier for spilling her juice. Doug shouts at Kerry and picks up the girl, who cries on his shoulder. Carol watches all this, and when Kerry leaves, tells Doug that they should adopt the girl. He agrees and they go back out to the main desk to fill out the adoption forms and get them sent off. Just as they finish, a bloody figure rushes through the doors and collapses. Doug runs forward and picks the figure up, drops it onto the nearest gurney and rushes to Trauma 1. Carol gasps, shouting that it is Charlie. Doug sighs and patches her up while she confesses that he is the only person who ever really believed in her and she thinks he is like a father to her. He looks at Carol, and they return to the desk to fill out a second lot of adoption forms.
Carol goes out to Doc Magoos to get a coffee, and leaves Doug at the desk. Kerry Weaver comes back from a meeting with Anspaugh and they start shouting again. Mark comes up and separates them. He goes off with Kerry and tells her that Doug is a bit of a problem but he will be all right soon. Then he goes back to see Doug and tells him that Kerry Weaver is awful and he is voting for someone else to be ER Chief. Then Doug decided to go and see what has kept Carol from returning with the coffee. He finds her lying in the ambulance bay, covered in blood, and shouts for people to get out there. The whole ER staff rushes out and gasps, then gets her onto a gurney and takes her into the ER. Mark tells Doug to go and wait outside, but he says that he has to be there for her and holds her hand. She wakes up and tells Doug she loves him but she was raped. She cries, and Doug looks very sad. Then she closes her eyes and someone shouts that shes crashing. Doug flips and starts shouting at everyone to do something, despite that fact that the paddles are right next to him. Some shouts, Clear and the machine beeps again. Doug weeps in relief and tells her how much he loves her. As she comes round, he pulls a ring out of his pocket and bends down on one knee. He asks her to marry him, but she says shes not ready, so he puts it away again. She miraculously recovers and swings off the gurney and they go outside again. Someone hand Doug a sheet of paper from tests on the girl who came in, and him and Carol gasp as they see she has a fatal disease.
Just then a social worker comes in and asks for a quick interview about adopting Charlie and the girl. They sit down in a small office, and Doug tells her how much he has changed since his womanising, alcoholic days, and then Carol says that she feels much better about herself since her suicide attempt. The woman smiles and tells them that she wouldnt normally let this happen, but she is going to give them custody of both children. Doug and Carol hug and kiss, and then go out and tell the ER. Everyone cheers and congratulates them. The little girl hugs them and asks with a lisp if they are going to be her mummy and daddy. Charlie appears and hugs them both too, but gives Carol dodgy look at the same time and tells her she is not really sure how she feels about her yet. Then Doug goes down on one knee and pulls out the ring again, hoping that now Carol has had a bit more time, she might say yes. She does and they kiss again. Mark invites them to have a double wedding with him and Susan, and they all walk off into the sunset, arms around one another.