Dear Diary


AUTHOR: KK
EMAIL: XDramaticOneX@aol.com
CATEGORY: Romance/a little bit of angst
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: Nah
ARCHIVE: ABA policy. (Ask Before Archiving)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the people in this story, and I don't own County.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I have been writing a lot of fanfiction in the last week and I decided to start to write this now in case I forgot about the idea.
SUMMARY: This is Erin Harkins diary (the new med student, in case you people are really out of it.) It mostly depicts her relationship with Luka and how it is affecting her.



December 14, 2002
10:19 PM

I don't know what makes me love him. He's just another ordinary guy. There's nothing special about him, except that he has had the most terrible past that I can ever think of. He's sexy, but usually I'm one to pick personality over looks. And let's face it, the guy has an awful personality. He seems so much more special, I just don't understand why. When will this madness end? When will I ever get my sanity back? I spend one night in the guy's bed and rumors fly, my grades drop, and my whole life basically falls apart. I don't understand it. Why is this happening? When will it ever end? It's not like he's a rapist. But he's very scary. When we started flirting at his house, he just got a weird look. I don't know if he really loves me or if he is just using me. Is he taking adavntage of me?

When will I ever get the answers that I so desperately need? I love him, but I don't know why. People give me strange looks when I pass them in the hallway. Am I paranoid, or is my rep totally being destroyed? It seems as if I'm on marijuana. I try it once, and I can't go on without it. My life is being totally destroyed, by a few kisses and a little bit more. I can't live with myself. I hate myself, I can't stand living with myself. I feel like a slut and a scum. I feel like I did something totally forbidden. He's not the first guy I have been with, and he probably won't be the last. But I have never felt this way around a guy before. There is something totally wrong going on here.

I can't go on without him. I am totally dependent on him. I am a fragile egg. If he drops me, or releases me from his grip, I'll have an emotional breakdown and totally shatter into a million pieces. What is going on with me? Am I losing my control? No, I have already lost that. Am I losing my sanity? No, I'm pretty sure I have lost that too. I feel like I could have a breakdown because of what happened six nights ago. What is going on with me? Am I a total loser? When will the madness end? I want to go back to the way I was. I want to be an innocent twenty-five-year-old medical student who has a crush on the foreign attending. I want to go back to that. A little too much flirting, a couple of rides in his car, and one trip to his bedroom and I feel as if my life has gone down the tubes.

I need to get out of this predicament, but I don't know how. I don't know where to turn. I feel everywhere I try to turn and run is a dead end. I'm stuck in this terrible life and I can't get out of it. I can't go out with my friends from school. I can't be a normal woman, because I am trapped in pain, a terrible pain we call love, for some reason.

I need to get out,. I can't get out.

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An angsty story, that's a new one for me. Email me with feedback, if you want.


Part 2


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December 15, 2002
4:42 PM

"A day...is a miniature eternity." Ralph Waldo Emerson. I never really got what that quote meant, but in the past week, I've been beginning to comprehend it. The way things are for me now, I feel as if each day is an eternity, but there is nothing miniature about it. I'm kind of freaked out by it, by the fact that my life is being destoryed with each day that goes by, with each day I see him, and each day that I don't. It's been pure tortue in the last week. I am still trying to get my life back together, it's been a week since I slept with him. I want to turn back time. I wish I was in high school again. I need to be carefree and innocent, that sense of open adventure that I once had. I wish I could have someone to cling to, someone who could understand. I need to end my pain. I feel like I can't even talk to him anymore. I see him, and I turn away. I can't be near him, but it seems the days I don't spend with him are worse than the ones that I spend with him.

I need to get out of this eternal pain that it seems I'm going through. I am so confused. I feel as if I should be trying to do something more for myself. I feel as if I should tell somebody what is going on with my feelings. But who should I tell? Not a counselor, they would suggest therapy. Nobody in my family could remotely even understand what was going on or how I felt. Talking to him would probably make matters worse. He would probably think I was some sort of psychopath. Could I trust my coworkers with something this severe. I really didn't know if I could, becuase I really didn't know any of them that well. I did understand however, that Dr. Corday could be a good person to talk to. I have decided. I will talk to Elizabeth, she seems as if she could be trusted.

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December 15, 2002
8:48 PM

Elizabeth was somewhat of a help, but I don't think that she understood my situation too well. She suggested to talk to him, but I can't bring myself to do that. He wouldn't understand. I need him to survive, but I can't stay like this for the rest of my life. I need to find some kind of escape, some way to end the pain. I am not thinking about suicide, however. I failed my last exam, and if I keep up like this, I won't get through my third year of medical school. I need to end the pain, quick. I don't know how much more of this shit I can take. I love him, but I need to leave him. If I leave him, I will have a breakdown.

I can't take this much longer.

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I really wonder where I got this idea. It sort of just popped into my head and I decided to write it. If you want to sned me some constructive criticism or maybe even some positive comments, email me @ GoneToWatchER08@cs.com.


Part 3


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December 19, 2002
3:13 PM

I'm breaking down, I don't know how much longer I can take the pain. He's been seeing me-a lot. Every time I see him I think of that night, and I need to forget it.

FLASHBACK

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October 20, 2000

I did it!! I passed my first year of med school! I am so happy, becuase exams were killer, worse than they ever were in high school or college. I totally can't wait till I start doing rotations in my third year, it's gonna be awesome. My life is awesome. I hope I live till I'm one hundred cuz I have the best life. I get great grades, have a perfect boyfriend, I mean, life couldn't be better. Nothing could ever bring me down.

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END FLASHBACK

I wish I was still like that. I hope I never live to see thirty. Life's a bastard, ain't it. I wish I could drop dead right now. I certainly wouldn't care more or less. But frankly, I'm scared to die. I don't know if I'm ready yet. Ok, I know most people would kill to have my life, but they only see what's on the surface. They see a pretty young woman with a face that could say, "There's nothing wrong in my life." But they don't see below the surface. They don't see how I am underneath. They don't see what I'm going through. I have been thinking about popping a few too many pills and see what happens.

I wrote a suicide note to Luka already. Here it is:

Luka,
I never thouht I would be writing something like this to you. However, I have been emotionally unstable since that night, and it's time for me to end my pain. I'm sorry it had to end like this, but I can't go on like this anymore. You may not understand how I feel, and I doubt you ever will. Please accept my deepest apologies for how this is going to affect you.
Love,
Erin


How do you write a note like that to somebody. I have the bottle in my hand. I'm putting my diary down. This is my final goodbye.

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Is she gonna do it? Read on to find out.


Part 4


Summary: This is the final part of this particular story. Best if you read parts 1-3 before reading this.
Author's Note: Feedback is welcome. Song used in this piece "Through the Rain" by Mariah Carey

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January 21, 2003

All I remember is waking up in ICU, intubated, with all sorts of tubes running all sorts of drugs through my veins. Luka was sitting next to me, his head resting on the bed rail and he was holding my hand. There were balloons, flowers, and get-well cards all over my bedside table. It took me a few minutes to realize what I was doing here. I had tried to commit suicide, and it hadn't worked. I am actually kind of relieved that it didn't work, because I was not ready to die. And when I saw Luka, I remembered why I had done this to myself. And then I realized how stupid I was. All I needed to do was to talk to him. The guy certainly didn't hate me if he was sitting here, wondering if I was going to wake up.

As I became more alert, I realized that Carter and Susan had come up to check on me. They saw I was awake, and Carter ran to get a nurse while Susan woke Luka up. A nurse returned moments later, with Carter right behind her. The nurse went to get a doctor, and then she returned seconds later with a doctor at her side. Dr. Romano of all people. What he was doing in ICU was beyond me. Maybe he was passing by to check on a patient. I didn't know, and I didn't care. All I knew was that I wanted to be extubated.

"Well, well, Miss Harkins. You gave us all quite a scare there. Everyone has been by to see you," Romano said.

I tried to manage a weak giggle, but then I remembered that I had a tube shoved dwon my throat. I made a motion with my hand towards the respirator, as if to say that I wanted to be extubated.

"Oh, do you want that tube out?" Romano said.

I nodded.

"Okay then," he disconnected the machine. "Let's see if you're ready. Deep breath in and out."

I took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled, all the while looking at Dr. Romano for approval.

"Good. OK, another deep breath in, and out," he said as he extubated me. Luka picked up the cup of water that was sitting on my bedside table and gave me a drink.

"Don't try to talk, you've been intubated for quite a while," said Luka.

But I didn't want to talk, I was just happy to be alive. I did want to talk to Luka though. I opened my mouth, and my voice was very raspy.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too, Erin. Now be quiet, you shouldn't be talking at all."

I knew what I had done was stupid. Now all I wanted to do was move on and forget it all. I knew that I loved Luka and that Luka loved me, and that should be enough to satisfy anybody, whether it be my classmates, my teachers, my colleagues, or anyone else who cared.

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I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own
And I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live
One more day
And I make it through the rain
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THE END

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So, what did you think?? If you have questions, comments, or concerns, email me. Ya know the address.




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