The ER at the North Pole


AUTHOR: Kelly
EMAIL: DougandCarol@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Humor
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: none
DISCLAIMER: ER and all of it's characters are all the property of Warner Brothers, NBC, etc... I do not own them, I won't steal them. I borrow them only. Though, I would never mind owning my own Luka Kovac ;)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: before I start, I am a huge Luby. I do not mean to offend anyone, especially you Carbies out there with this fanfiction. Though, we all know Lubies are better ;) (j/k)
SUMMARY: What happens when the staff of County General goes to the North Pole?



************


December 20, 2001 - 10:00pm


The ER was bustling that cold December night. Patients with all different ailments. But one patient was different, VERY different. He looked different. He had these really funny looking ears. They were pointy and extremely large. He also wore these funny shoes, with jingle bells on them.

"What's with the outfit on that dude?" Dr. Dave asked Cleo, who was busy applying her paint... excuse me.. make up to her face. "And those are some funny ass ears." he commented.

--Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. --

"Maybe he's just DEFORMED!" Carter yelled, scratching his head. "Maybe he got brutally stabbed like me and some of the medicine they gave him screwed him up!"

"Sounds good to me." Randi replied, dressed in a Santa Suit. "Anyone got some milk?"

"Who are you suppose to be?" Kerry asked, hobbling over. "The Easter bunny?"

"Umm... hello?" Carol yelled, holding what appeared to be a child under her left arm. "She's Santa. Now, will someone help me with this brat! He just broke my fingernail!" she cried.

"Carol, when did you come back?" Carter asked, looking shocked. "I mean, Merry Christmas! Where are my kids?"

"Your kids?" Carol replied, dropping the kid to the floor. "They aren't yours. At least I don't think they are.." she said, her mind wandering. "So what'd everyone buy me for Christmas?"

"A gag." Peter murmured, practicing his dancing to Christmas music. "Hey, who called for a trauma fellow?"

"Me!" Romano called, running from exam 3. "I think my appendix is ruptured!" he yelled. "God damn it! It hurts!" he yelled, falling to the ground. There was no sign of a burst appendix.

"Oh no!" Elizabeth yelled, "You're having a baby!"

"I was hoping it wasn't that." Romano yelled.

--She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow--


The weird looking guy appeared from the exam room and looked at the madness everyone called the ER. He jingled the bells on his shoes and everything froze.

"Time for the fun to start." he said, and everyone disappeared.
**********************************************************

"Where are we?" Deb yelled, as the entire staff was now standing in the middle of a snowstorm. "It's freezing!"

"I think we're in Florida." Abby said, falling back to make snow angels. "This is fun!"

"What's that?" Carter asked, pointing to a white and red striped pole. "I wonder if it's a candy cane!" he yelled, running over and licking it. "I... sck!" he mumbled.

Everyone began to laugh hysterically. "I'll help you!" mark said, acting like a super hero. He grabbed carter, and tugged him. He got him free, but left half of his tongue stuck to the pole. "Don't worry, we'll sew it back on.... later."

"Oh look, buttons!" Peter cried, like a little child. "I saw something like this in that movie called 'The Santa Claus'."

"Me too!" Everyone screamed. He pressed a button and suddenly everyone was inside, where it was warm. They were surrounded by toys and elves.

--When they found her Christmas mornin',
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back--

They were all in awe as they watched what was going on around them.

"Its the North Pole!" Carol cried, looking so happy she could cry. "I always wanted to come here!"

"What a weenie." Dr. Dave whispered. But he stopped when he caught glimpse of HIM. The BIG GUY.

"SANTA!!!!" they all cried, running to him.

"Ho ho ho." was his reply as they all gathered around him. "If it isn't the staff of County General. How is everyone?"

They all just stared in awe. "Could I have a Tonka Truck?" Carter whispered. "I always wanted one."

Santa laughed. "Maybe later. Now, why don't you all follow me, we've got a lot to do!"

The staff followed him into another room, where many elves were hard at work.

"Hey guys!" Lucy called out, busy painting a toy.

"Hey Lucy." Kerry replied. She did a double take. "LUCY??!"

"Yeah, what'd you expect?" she asked. "You think I actually went to heaven? Nah, came here instead."

"You're not dead?" carter asked, remembering that night.

"No, just... just... I can't explain it." she replied. "Anyway, it's cool here. I am the resident doctor, I even treated Santa for a verocardial bermanium!"

"What the hell is that?" Cleo asked, pulling Benton next to her, sending out a nasty look to Elizabeth who was nearby.

"It's a disease, but we only have it here at the North Pole."

"Oooh! I see!" Cleo replied, nodding her head up and down.

"Watch it Cleo, I don't wanna have to glue that thing back on." Carter warned, holding his tongue that was now bleeding.

"Yeah, I got a splinter last time I did." Deb murmured, sitting an extremely oversized ball that sat nearby.

"Least you didn't get cut by the rusty metal." Abby whispered back, causing both of them to fall into hysterical fits of giggles.

"Are you sure you're Lucy?" Kerry asked again, watching as an older elf walked by, her hair blond and wavy.

"Kerry!" the elf cried, running toward her, meeting her with a kiss.

"Kim!"

"Whoa! Lesbian's at the North Pole! No frekin way!" Dave cried, high fiving a teenage elf standing nearby.

"Didn't someone say Doug was coming?" Carol asked, everyone ignoring her. "HELLO!"

"Where's my Luka?" Abby pouted, pulling on a pair of pink glittery fairy wings. "I want my Luka!" she sobbed, as she stepped in front of the mirror to look at herself.

"I'm over here Abby." a voice called out from across the room. Abby turned to find Luka, coming toward her with a pair of bright green roller blades on. "Oooh noo!" he cried, as he lost his balance, skating into a shelve full of wrapped boxes.

"Hey, I told you not to touch my stash!" Carter cried suddenly, standing nearby Mark who looked at him guilty.

"I thought you were clean!" Benton said, looking at both men oddly.

"I am.. I mean I was.. I mean I am... It's not MY stash, I'm holding it for someone." Carter replied, grabbing the needle from Mark.

"Oh come on." he whined like a little baby. "You know I have a brain tumor. It makes me feel happy," he sobbed, his face turning bright red as he turned and ran from the room.

"I'm... dreaming of a white Christmas!" Romano sang out from an oversized rocking horse he was rocking back and forth on, a brown cowboy hat on his head.

"Damn, I never knew Cowboys were so sexy." Deb mumbled, watching him as he continued to sing.

"Where's Doug!" Carol called out again, watching as all of her co-workers continued to ignore her. "Ok, fine! I never came back to the hospital anyway to work! Hell, I'm not even supposed to be here! My contract ran out last May!"

"Then why are you here?" Santa asked, lugging a large sack behind him.

"Because I lost my plane ticket back to New York to do my new play!" she sobbed. "Now I want my Doug."

"Didn't he die in that storm? He was on a fishing boat I think." Elizabeth mumbled, staring over a banister that led to the stories below.

"Can I sit in your lap?" Abby asked excitedly as she helped Luka stand up, he was now admiring her fairy wings.

"You can sit in my lap." Carter said, walking closer. "Come on babe."

"Get away from me! Luka save me! We cannot possibly expose millions of innocent viewers to Carby cooties!" Abby screamed, backing into Luka.

"Carby cooties?" Dave asked, watching as Randi strolled in, dressed in a mini Santa suit.

"How stupid are you?" Abby screamed, her face turning a deep red color as Luka began to pick at the fairy wings on her back. "Our names put together! Me and Luka are a Luby! But me and Carter would be a Carby!"

"Isn't there a man named Dana Carby?" Cleo asked, still nodding her head up and down. "Ooh! Look at the train!" she yelled, losing interest in talking with Abby quickly.

"He's dead?!" Carol cried, just understanding what Elizabeth had said.

"Someone's on 5 minute delay." Lucy said, causing Dave to break into a huge grin.

"What!? We're having a relay!" he cried. "I call being Captain!"

"What's the game?" Luka called, pulling his face from Abby's for less than a second before he was back, her arms wrapped tightly around him.

"You can't have sex at the North Pole!" Kerry yelled, holding hands with Kim now.

"That's not sex, they still have their clothes on." Deb said, watching them.. "Whoops, scratch that. Now they're having sex."

"Eww! They're holding hands!" Romano called, running over, now dressed in cowboy boots as well. "Get a room!"

"We hold hands and need a room, but they can have sex in front of us and hundreds of Christmas Elves, and Santa Claus and not need one!?" Kerry replied, hitting him in the stomach.

"Hey, Carter is the other captain!" Dave called, as Santa stood in front of the crowd.

"Ok everyone. Before we start, let me see if I can name all of you..."

"Bet he doesn't know my name." Dave said in a whisper, high fiving Carter.

"Kerry, Kim, that's Deb.."

"Jing-Mei!" she called, sounding annoyed. "Is that so hard to remember!?"

"Jing-Mei, Elizabeth, Carter that's you.. Robert, Carol's over there sobbing herself to death.."

"I am not dying!" Carol screamed. "I'm trying to figure out how I can leave again!"

"You could get stabbed too! Then you could work with me!" Lucy piped up from behind a counter. "Laying in your own blood is really fun!"

"Oh fun! When can we start?" Carol asked excitedly.

"Ok, and that girl whose head looks about ready to crack off must be Cleo. Peter is with her.... those two bodies over there who seem to be suctioned together at the mouth must be Luka and Abby."

"Well that was tough wasn't it?" Dave giggled, "Hey, you still didn't call me!"

"Oh yes, Dr. Dave."

"You liar! You said he wouldn't know you!" Carter cried. "You're gunna go to hell now!"

"You said hell!" Elizabeth cried. "Oh shit, now I said it as well!"

"You said shit and hell!" Peter said, "Oh damn it."

"Now you said damn!" Kerry replied. "Oh crap.." she mumbled.

"You said crap!" Abby called. "Luka, oh shit Luka!" she cried.

"Can someone PLEASE find them a god damn blanket or something?" Carol called. "And now we're all going to hell because we all cursed!"

"Ya know, this was what we had to put up with with you and Doug.." Carter called back to her. "Except you guys were much noisier.'

"I don't think they could be much noisier." Deb mumbled with a grin. "Are we going to start or what?"

"Ok, the rules of the relay. No pushing, no biting, no fighting. You must keep your clothes on."

"Guess that leaves Luka and Abby out." Kerry muttered.

"Get dressed you two!" Santa called. "If you're good you can finish later tonight."

"I wanna pick my team!" Dave whined. "Hurry up!"

Everyone turned to watch as Abby and Luka quickly pulled their clothes back on, and Luka helped Abby get the fairy wings back on her back.

"Ok, more rules. No touching each other indecently. No kissing, no tripping. All you have to do is be the first team to get all the packages in my sleigh. The team that wins gets to steer the reindeer!"

"I call the backseat!" Abby yelled, smiling at Luka.

"Can we go visit my mommy? I made her a present." Romano said, gripping the fake pistol in his pocket.

"We'll get there. Now Dave, pick 3 people for your team."

"I wanna pick first!" Carter yelled.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Dave is first. Now pick!" Santa called.

"You got Santa mad! Now you're going to hell!" Deb yelled.

"You said hell!" Elizabeth cried.

"Don't start that again!" Santa said.

"I want Jing-Mei, Peter and... umm.... Lucy?" Dave said.

"I knew you loved me!" Lucy cried happily, rushing over to Dave.

"Ok.. I pick... Abby."

"No! I said no Carby cooties!" Abby yelled, standing so close to Luka that if she were any closer she would have been.... umm.. in his pants.

"Carby cooties are good!"

"No no no!" she cried defensively.

"Ok, I want a vote. Who says a Carby is better? Who says a Luby is better?" Carter asked, as everyone watched him oddly.

"Explain this whole concept to me again." Romano said. "Sounds like a bunch of crap to me."

"Our fans out there who watch us gave themselves nicknames! Luby was the original name, but now everyone has copied and made other names like Carbies, Mizzie's, Dougals, and so on. You mix the couples name together! But Abby says that Luby is the best, and that's her and Luka. But I think a Carby is! That's me and Abby."

"Carby cooties." Abby cried. "I want my Luka!"

"Don't worry, I won't let him near you. We all know he likes Deb." Luka said sweetly.

"It's Jing-Mei!"

"So what is it?" Carter asked.

"Luby."

"Luby."

"Luby."

"Luby."

"Luby."

"Carby."

"Luby."

"Luby."

"Yay! We win!" Abby said happily.

"Who said Carby?" Carter asked, as Santa began tapping his foot.

"I did." Elizabeth said, looking across the room.

"Why?" Abby asked disgusted.

"Because it sounded like this great restaurant they have in Chicago called Arby's. I just love that food, it is fabulous."

"I would like to get going before the 4th of July." Santa said. "Carter, pick a new team."

"Fine.." he sighed. "I pick Elizabeth, Carol and Romano."

"Oh Lizzie, my sweetie. We meet again." Romano said moving a little too close. "Now that brain tumor boy has gone the fun can begin."

"Ok, when I say go, I want you to go." Santa said. "Go!"

With that the race began. Dave grabbed three packages and ran across the floor with them, tossing them into the huge red sleigh parked by a large open door. He was followed closely by Romano was had Elizabeth in his arms.

"Put me down!" she was crying, kicking her legs wildly. "Let me go!"

"Are we leaving soon?" Peter whined. "I'm bored."

"Can I pet Rudolph?" Cleo asked.

"Sorry, but no. He has a thing for metal. He likes to chew it." Santa replied.

It took only a few more seconds, but soon the race was over, leaving Dave jumping up and down.

"Hell yeah! We win! We win!"

"Can we go?" Peter whined again.

"Get in the sleigh before I go insane." Santa sighed.
*******************************************************************************************

"I said I wanted the front seat!" Carter cried, pouting his lips, staring into the sky.

"Well I got to drive, and I needed someone up here to help me." Dave replied, sticking his tongue out. Seated next to him was Randi in her little red outfit, chewing loudly on her gum.

"It's too crowded in this seat." Elizabeth groaned, as she pulled a foot off her lap.

"Well do YOU want to move back there with them?" Romano asked, pointing toward the third and last row in the sleigh. It was occupied by none other than Luka and Abby, who were again all over each other.

"They could make some room." Deb mumbled, the wind blowing her hair wildly.

"This is so much fun!" Kerry cried from next to Carter, Kim on her other side. Actually, they were all pretty much in each other's laps. There were 3 rows in the sleigh, each row made for 4 or 5 people. In the front was Dave, holding the reins of the reindeer, Randi seated next to him. Carol was next to her, leaning over the side, watching the clouds beneath her. In the second row sat Lucy on the end, then Kim, Kerry, Carter, Romano, Elizabeth, Deb, Peter and Cleo. There were legs everywhere, bodies flung over each other. Then Abby and Luka were alone in the last row.

"Ok, wait, where did Santa go?" Luka asked, pulling back from Abby, who adjusted her fairy wings.

"He fell out of the sleigh awhile ago. Someone moved their hand." Carter grumbled, staring at Cleo.

"Sorry." she replied. "Maybe if those two would give someone some room." she mumbled.

"I call putting the suit on when we stop!" Romano called.

"What?" Abby asked.

"Like in the movie! If you put the suit on, you become the new Santa!"

"I wanna be Santa." Kim called.

"Santa can't be a lesbian." Dave muttered, snapping the reins. "Faster dudes!"

"Santa can't be a woman." Carter said, as if it were obvious. "Duh."

"Why not?" Carol asked, annoyed.

"Because its like a rule. Kinda like the rule that says you can't write yourself a prescription." Romano said.

"That's a rule?" Carter asked. "Oops..."

"I call the suit!" Dave called from the front. "I'll be a cool Santa!"

The bickering began again about who could be the next Santa. Carter slugged Dave, who in turn swatted his hand, hitting Elizabeth in the face, who bit him, causing him to let out a yelp scaring the reindeer.

"I got it!" Abby cried, as Luka watched laughing.

"Got what?" Elizabeth whined, touching her face, no one paying attention to her.

"The Santa suit!" she cried happily, leaning over to kiss Luka.

"WHAT!?" everyone in the sleigh yelled, turning to look back at her. Sure enough, she had pulled the large red suit over her scrubs, the hat falling down over her eyes.

"Santa cannot be FEMALE!" Romano roared.

"Well she is." Luka chuckled. "My girlfriend is Santa Claus!"

"Yo, I'm calling my lawyer!" Dave yelled, as he steered the sleigh and it began to stop. Pulling to a stop atop a roof, Abby hopped out, tugging Luka with her.

"I'm Santa! I'm Santa! I'm Santa!" she sang happily, as she tried to pull a bag out of the back on the sleigh.

"She can't even lift the bag!" Carter yelled. "She can't be Santa!"

"Oh shut up. It's about time a woman had a job everyone believes is a mans." Elizabeth said. "I will help you Abby."

"Me too!" Lucy cried, hopping out of her seat. She ran around back to Abby who was still struggling with the bag. Together, the three of them managed to get it out, and helped her drag it over to the chimney.

"Can I go with you?" Luka asked slyly, walking over with them.

"Luka! You're a man! Side with us dude!" Dave yelled.

"I miss Doug." Carol sobbed.

"Shut up!" Everyone yelled at her.

"Luka stays here. We don't need you two stopping to have a quickie in these people's living room." carter said. "Now hurry up Abby."

"You're all jealous." Abby said, sticking her tongue out.

As Dave went to yell back at her, she suddenly disappeared down the chimney in one big swoop. All the others watched in amazement as she did so, their mouths hung wide open.

"Whoa! No way!" Dave called. "I still want the suit!"

"Give it up! Abby is the new Santa, it's over." Deb shot back. "Now will you shut up!"

+++++++++++


"Lydia!" a voice called. "Lydia!"

There was no response.

"LYDIA!"

"What?" she asked, opening her eyes.

"Get back to work!" Kerry bitched, slamming the door closed.

Lydia looked up from the table in the lounge and looked around. There were Christmas light slit, and she laughed. Walking out to admit, she looked over and found Dave playing with a cane.

"I'm telling you dude. Just put on the suit." He said to Carter who was standing nearby. "Didn't you see the movie?"

Lydia chuckled and walked away. She needed a good nights sleep.




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