Fairy Tales of the ER: Snow White and the Many Dwarves

AUTHOR: Triggersaurus
EMAIL: triggersaurus@yahoo.co.uk
CATEGORY: humour
SPOILERS: Up to and including Such Sweet Sorrow
ARCHIVE: just tell me
DISCLAIMER: Once upon a time there was a well intentioned young woman who loved her favourite TV show so much that she decided to "borrow" some of the characters and write a little story about them. She did not intend to hurt the real writers, she did not intend to steal them from their owners, and she most certainly did not make any money from her story (even if she was very poor). No-one sued her, and she lived happily ever after.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This concept may seem a little weird, but it's almost disturbing how well the characters can fit into the story of Snow White...
SUMMARY: What if Snow White lived in Chicago??

Snow White And the Many Dwarves – A Fairy Tale Of The ER


STARRING - Carol Hathaway as Snow White.....Douglas Ross as The Prince......Helen Hathaway as The Wicked Mother (I had to loose the "step" part)

Supporting Cast - Mark Greene as Baldy....John Truman Carter as Unlucky....Peter Benton as Grouchy....Kerry Weaver as Limpy....Susan Lewis as The One With Her Sister's Baby....Elizabeth Corday as Jolly....

SPECIAL GUEST APPEARENCE by "Amanda Lee" as Freaky The Dwarf


Are you sitting comfortably? Then we shall begin...


Once upon a time, Snow White lived with her wicked mother deep in the suburbs of Chicago. It was well known that Snow White did not get on well with her mother, as she was more like her father, but he had died when she was little.   Her mother didn’t even let her go and see her father before he died in hospital. Snow White held a grudge about this and also because her mother never approved of what she did and especially didn’t approve of her boyfriends, particularly one prince. It seemed that she was only happy when Snow White decided to marry a tall orthopaedic surgeon after she had attempted suicide. Except the tall orthopaedic surgeon left her standing at the alter and she never saw him again. She heard that he had gone off to be a policeman who rode a bike everywhere – what a weirdo.

It was after this, when Snow White met a new man (a fireman with the same name as her dog when she was little), that she decided she had to escape her wicked mother. She ran away from home and bought her own, and before long she got to know some dwarves that she worked with, and invited them around to house parties at Christmas, even if her house wasn’t yet heated and had a hole in the roof. The dwarves were known as Baldy, Unlucky (who everyone suspected was the Grim Reaper in disguise, as many people he knew seemed to die suddenly), Grouchy and The One With Her Sister’s Baby (who had something going on with Baldy, or at least was going to have something going on before long). But then tragedy occurred and Snow White’s new boyfriend went mad after his friend died in a fire that was probably set up by Snow White’s wicked mother. Snow White was all alone again, and susceptible to her wicked mother’s powers.

It was during a long night at work that Snow White realised that the prince she originally loved a long time ago was actually the person she still loved. Her realisation was shadowed by a number of dramatic events including Baldy being attacked by a mysterious, dark figure wearing black (probably another work of her wicked mother), the death of another one of Unlucky’s friends, and Snow White’s temporary delusion that she would become a doctor. But one night when Snow White returned from an evening out, she got home to find the prince sitting on her steps. At first she had thought it was her wicked mother, but she was relieved to find that it was, indeed, she was so relieved that she kissed the prince, and there wasn’t much looking back from there.

She had to keep her relationship with the prince a secret for some time in case her wicked mother found out, and even none of the dwarves knew for a while, or at least they pretended not to. A new dwarf had joined the gang, called Jolly, who was from Britain. She didn’t know about Snow White and the prince for a while either, and made the mistake of being too friendly with the prince at first. But she and the rest of the dwarves soon knew that they were together, and it wasn’t long before the wicked mother came to know about it either. Both Snow White and the prince were worried about what the wicked mother would do, but it was a horrible surprise when the wicked mother turned up one morning with an ugly creature that she claimed would be her new boyfriend. Snow White was horrified and kept away from her wicked mother after that, or as far as she could keep away. She even thought about forgetting the prince, and went as far as to kiss a strange man on a roof, but the prince forgave her. It seemed that she could not keep away from her wicked mother’s doings. Things were still happening in her life that made her think that her wicked mother would never be far away. Like when the elevator got stuck when she and the prince were trying to look after a dying girl, and when Baldy’s mother got very ill. Things came to a head when Snow White and the prince got in big trouble for trying to help a baby, and Snow White knew that it wouldn’t be long before her wicked mother did something terrible.

Snow White knew a warning sign when she saw one and decided the best thing to do was to try and get pregnant. There was a law of magic that said if the victim was with child, or had children, then the wicked individual could not inflict any bad spells on that person (yes, it’s true). So Snow White and the prince tried and tried, and no doubt had some fun in the process. But it seemed that they were having too much fun and not thinking seriously enough about it, because Snow White did not get pregnant. At work, two new dwarves had arrived, Just Plain Nasty and Freaky. There was definitely something very strange about Freaky, as Bulky the desk clerk always said, but no-one knew what it was until the day that Freaky locked Baldy into a room and ran away laughing as if from a horror movie. This confirmed Snow White’s worries that her wicked mother had infiltrated Snow White’s workplace now and been there in the form of a dwarf. It was all very scary. But after a while everyone forgot about Freaky, as they had to deal with Just Plain Nasty a lot, especially Jolly. Jolly meanwhile was trying to make Grouchy a jollier person, but she failed.

It was around this time that the world as Snow White knew it ended. She thought that her wicked mother had done with her after the Freaky episode, but she was wrong. Before she knew where she was, Snow White had lost her prince as he was banished to the other side of the country, and was suddenly and miraculously pregnant with twins. She didn’t know what to do, her wicked mother had obviously set the whole thing up so that Snow White would come crawling back to her, begging for help. Snow White was determined not to let this happen, with maybe the possible exception of borrowing her wicked mother’s car occasionally. Snow White began to make some new friends at work as new dwarves arrived, including Dodgy (who rode a bike to work and stole baby milk to put on his cereal), Robotic and Greasy, who soon became one of Snow White’s better friends. In fact, it was Greasy who managed to somehow carry her from the El steps to the hospital when she went into labour, despite the fact she was very heavy, carrying twins and all. It was a long process, but eventually the twins were born with the aid of Limpy and Baldy, and Snow White began to think that maybe her wicked mother was done with interfering in her life. She still missed the prince but her attentions were now leaning more and more towards Greasy. Unfortunately for Greasy, it was just as they were getting things together, so to speak, that Snow White decided that she had to find her Prince. One day it all just became too much and Snow White ran to the airport and got on the first plane to the other side of the country (also known as The Land Of The Banished Paediatrician). She got there and to her surprise and joy, the Prince was waiting for her by his boat. And they lived happily ever after.




Triggersaurus 2000

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