The First Step


AUTHOR: Sylvia
EMAIL: ellaspyrka@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: AL
RATING: PG.
SPOILERS: Sorry, none.
ARCHIVE: Please please please email me!
DISCLAIMER: Not my characters yadda yadda yadda...
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Lydia, thanks so much for the idea... But sorry, no blood in this one. Wait till the other ones! 0_~
SUMMARY: Abby lets herself go.



She laid there. Everything felt so unreal. Only days before she had been so happy. Now everything was back to how it used to be. Hopeless, dreary, dead. She was forgotten, ignored, detached. The darkness suited her. There was no "saving light" in her life. She didn't deserve it. She was worthless. She hadn't done any good, only hurt the people she cared about most. She didn't want to deal with this pain. It pulled from inside. It hurt all over. It never stopped. Never let go. It was with her always, through her meaningless days, and sleepless nights. She wanted to cry. To let everything flow out of her, let this numbing pain leave. But she didn't. She couldn't. She couldn't let anyone see her weakness, her pain. She was so vulnerable. She couldn't look in a mirror, for all she saw was hate for the person on the other side, looking back at her. She didn't want to be this way. It was her fate. She hadn't chosen. Fate bestowed upon her, a life of no happiness or hope. Only heartbreak and loneliness. Addiction and hate. She turned onto her side, looked at the clock. It's green digits lighting up the total darkness around her. 2:33. No hope for sleep. Sleep never came easy anymore. Ever since he left. Left her standing there alone. No reason given. She deserved it. He was such a sweet, handsome, caring person. And she? She was a worthless piece of crap. Richard had the right idea, get out while you can. Luka was right, too, she wasn't that pretty. She was ugly. Her face was covered with wrinkles, from many years of worrying and crying. Her body had failed her. She was too skinny. Her mind? All but deserted her. She didn't deserve someone like Carter. She hadn't realized her tears flowing. She hadn't even known. The soft sobs followed her into her hidden world. Under the covers. Behind closed doors. She wasn't strong enough. She cried herself into a restless, dreamless sleep...

~*~


When she woke, her eyes burned. Her head ached. But the pain was still there. Crying had done nothing but make it worse. Why couldn't she pull herself back together? She had always done it before. She turned back to her clock. 3:56. Not even her mind could take a break. It betrayed her, too. Always did. She covered herself with the blanket again. Maybe she would be able to catch his scent again. She cuddled her legs closer to her body. Felt her hair fall to her face. She didn't care. She sat there for a while. And cried. Again. Letting go of everything in her mind. Her mom, her brother, Richard, their unborn baby, her life, her worries, her disappointments, her addiction, Mark, Luka. Everyone, and everything. Including Carter. She had never cried like this before. Never. She looked at her bedside table. The bottle was standing there. She reached for it. Her life was screwed up already. It couldn't hurt. She drank and cried, mixing her salty tears, with the tangy substance. She was trying to float away to another world. Then she threw the bottle across the room. No. No, she wouldn't. He tears never lessened. But increased. She cradled her throbbing head in her arms. Surrounded her body in a ball. Protective, like she always did when she was young. When she was scared. And alone. The tears kept coming. She couldn't stop. The trust, the pain, the lies, the love, the faith, the will to go on, the hope, all washed away. She was emotionless. Hollow. She didn't know how long she had been there. She heard a door open, but didn't bother to care. She felt a hand pull her hair back. She didn't bother to feel cared about. She felt him pick her up and cradle her. Cry with her. Her head dug into his chest. No one had ever seen her like this. But she trusted him. Wasn't that the first step?




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