Give me an ETA and I'll give you my life
CATEGORY: Crossover (Newsradio)
SPOILERS: Season 7
DISCLAIMER: Neither the characters of NewsRadio, nor the characters of er belong to me. They belong to some other pimps.
None of the characters belong to me, trust me. Although I wouldn't mind having a Dave Foley or a Goran Visnjic of my own. Just to stay away from confusion, Dave Nelson will be Dave and Dave Malucci will be Malucci
SUMMARY: What happens when the craziest crew of New York meets the craziest crew of Chicago?
New York. Criterion Building. The staff of WNYX are having a meeting.
Dave: ...and I just wanna add that the person who put crazy glue on the toilet seats owes Matthew a new pair of pants. I trust that the perpetrator will own up to his prank, right Bill?
Bill: Dave, I, like yourself, am praying that this lost soul will find his or her right path.
Praise the Lord.
Dave: Well, now that we've all fully recovered from having to spend a day watching Matthew work in his Teletubbies tighties, meeting's adjourn.
Jimmy (out of nowhere): Hold on Dave, I have something to say.
Catherine: Jimmy if you keep jumping out of nowhere like that you're going to upset Matthew's bladder
Matthew: I told you I'm taking medication for that.
Lisa: What is it that you wanted to tell us?
Jimmy: I just got off the phone with one of my lawyers and apparently Rupert Murdoch is opening a homeless shelter in Chicago, and that is just outrageous.
Bill: Tell me about it. Why would you wanna take the money that you worked your ass off for and give it to someone else?
Catherine: Well I think that's very noble of him. My dad always said "It's better to give, than to receive"
Bill: Well my dad had us living in an underground shelter for 3 years. Parents are never right.
Lisa: Was he afraid of a nuclear bomb?
Bill: We were hiding from my mom actually.
Jimmy: Anyway, I promised myself that I would always remain 3 steps ahead of that millionaire bastard, so hang on to your bras kids, we're going to Chicago!
Dave: Sir, can't you open a shelter right here in New York City? I mean, this place is full of homeless people
Jimmy: Dave, Dave, you can't fly with the eagles when you're humping around with the dogs. Besides, I already booked us on a flight to Chicago, we've got hotel reservations, and I've got 500 cans of Chef Boyardee waiting for me
Beth: We're staying in a real hotel?
Jimmy: Yeah, and I got one of the biggest rooms just for you
Beth: Does is have miniature bottles of shampoo and a robe?
Jimmy: I wouldn't have made reservations there if it didn't
Beth: What about chocolates on the pillows?
Jimmy: Double chocolate with extra mint
Beth: I'm sold. Wait, I don't need my passport do I?
Matthew: I'm gonna have to update all my vaccines, call the baby-sitter for my cats. Do you think they'd let cats on the airplane?
Dave: Matthew your stupid cats are not going anywhere, a. And b) Mr. James you can't just take us all to Chicago without consulting with us first, what about the station?
Jimmy: It's on a weekend Dave. None of you work on weekends. Besides Dave we're gonna be helping the hobos, do it for your mom.
Dave: Fine, whatever
Jimmy: I mean, don't you think she'd be impressed by a strong man, helping others. Maybe a little turned on...
Dave: Sir! I'll do whatever you want but please stop thinking about my mother like that. And do us all a favor, please don't end up mud-wrestling Rupert Murdoc in the middle of downtown like the last time. Ratings dropped 17%
Jimmy: I can't promise you anything. So we'll meet here tomorrow, plane leaves at 11:30. And Matthew? No cats
Dave's office. Dave enters followed by Bill
Bill: So, are you really going to let Jimmy get away with this monstrosity?
Dave: Bill, it's just a little volunteering, how bad could it be?
Bill: Dave, we are going to be in the same breathing space as a bunch of wealthiness parasites
Dave: Bill, the homeless are people too, they're just less fortunate
Bill: Yeah right. Why don't they just get a job?
Dave: Look, I bet after this is all over you'll feel better about yourself
Bill: Oh yeah? That's the same thing my mom said about framing my dad with all those Chinese prostitutes. She was right though.
Next Day. Chicago O Hare International Airport. Everyone is waiting for their luggage
Catherine: Why the hell are we waiting for luggage? We're only gonna be here for two days.
Beth: Well, I read somewhere that Chicago is the windy city, so I brought all my wind-breakers.
Matthew: That is a great idea! Can I borrow a pair?
Beth: Sure, I see you in a sky blue
Matthew: Really? Cause I'm more like summer
Lisa: Ok ladies. Beth I'm assuming that Barbie and the Rockers luggage is yours, so let's go.
Dave: Where's Joe?
Cut to Joe a few feet away, talking to a nun
Joe: You know, they say once you sin with Joe, you never go back
Dave: JOE! (he drags Joe away)
Joe: Come on Dave, she's hot!
Dave: She's a nun!
Joe: My mom always said that we should keep in touch with the Lord. So I say Alleluia! (Joe walks away)
Dave (to Lisa): I can't wait to get to the hotel
Lisa: You know, I've been reading this book on sexual massages
Dave (intrigued): Really?
Dave: Can I get a little demonstration?
Lisa: Maybe. Where are you feeling tense?
Dave: I'd tell you, but there's a nun in front of us
Bill (eaves dropping): Excuse me Dave. Perhaps if we all stop catering to your sexual fantasies and keep moving, we'll get there on time to help the damn needy or whatever the hell it is we're doing
Dave: Fine. Where's Matthew
Matthew: Dave, help!
Cut to Matthew, who is being dragged outside the airport by the luggage carousel. Everyone just walks away. Cut to Mr James shelter, which looks more like a house in The Hamptons.
Bill: So where the hell do I clock in?
Jimmy: There's no clock
Bill (appalled): You mean we're not getting paid for this?!
Jimmy: Nope. All right, bring up the AMMO boys!
Dave: Sir, I thought you were just joking about the Chef Boyardees
Jimmy: Dave this are the Ravioli Jumbo, it's every hobo's fantasy. Besides I spent all the money building this place.
Catherine: So where are the stoves?
Mr. James realizes something and just looks down at the floor like a little boy. Everyone
recognizes the look and they all start protesting
Bill: How the hell are we going to serve all this garbage to these penniless goons?
Beth (excited): Oh! We could go to Mc Donalds and get 500 combos. They have that monopoly game right now, we can take all the stickers and I might win a million dollars!
Lisa: Beth we came to help the homeless, not to clog their arteries
Dave: And besides I'm not driving to Mc Donalds and ordering 500 combos, what kind of an idiot do you think I am?
Matthew: I'll go
Dave: Fine, here are the keys
Matthew: Well, who's gonna help me carry all that?
Everyone looked away as if he wasn't talking to them. Lisa took the first step
Lisa: I guess we'll all have to go
Bill: Fine, I'll be in that bar on the corner, let me know when you're back
Dave: We're *all* going Bill, that includes you
Bill: Fine! We'll see what my lawyer says about this when we get back
Lisa: Apparently not much since he has a restraining order against you
Bill: Well then I'll have to talk real loud, won't I?
Dave: Shut up Bill, let's go everybody.
Matthew: Can I drive?
Dave: No Matthew, I don't want to spend the night in the er
Matthew: Hmm, touche
They all walk outside, get into Mr James' van, and drive towards the nearest McDonalds.