Give me an ETA and I'll give you my life
And off to Mc Donalds they went. By now each one of them was wishing they would have turned down this volunteering idea of Mr James. All but Matthew, who was having a blast on the Mc Donalds playground with a bunch of 6 year olds. Meanwhile the others had to wait ages for all that food to come out on those uncomfortable little tables.
Matthew: Dave! One of the kids took away my Pokemon card
Dave: Matthew you're 28 years old, handle it yourself
Matthew (hurt): He called me a poo-poo head
Dave: Matthew if you don't get out of my face in 5 seconds I'm gonna...
Server: Mr Nelson, your order is ready
Lisa: Thank God
Matthew: Did you get my Happy Meal?
Beth (to an employee): Can I get 50 Monopoly table sheets with that? I'm trying to win a million dollars
Lisa: Beth, we're late as it is, so let's just go
Bill (to one of the workers): So, a Mc Donalds crew member. Too lazy to get a degree?
Worker: I'm 15 years old sir
Bill: Right. It's people like you who make me sick to be an American
Worker: I'm in the Honor Roll sir, and I got a scholarship
Bill: Whatever fries your stale burgers... (reading his tag) Billy
Dave: Bill, stop stalking the employees
Bill: I'll be on to you... Billy (Bill walks away)
Somehow they all make it into the van with all the food. Dave is driving while Lisa is seated next to him, and the rest are on the back. Dave looks through the rear view mirror.
Dave: Matthew get over it
Matthew (wiping his eyes with a Kleenex): Yeah right, you're not the one who lost a Bulbasaur card
Beth: You know what will make you feel better? I bet the toy in your Happy Meal is really cool
Matthew: You're riiiight. Dave, where's my Happy Meal?
Dave: Matthew I am not your father, for once can you do something by yourself?
Beth: I think it's up by Lisa's seat
Catherine: Matthew sit down you're gonna cause an accident
Matthew: I just need to know what it is!
Matthew get up and climbs almost entirely to the front seat looking for his Happy Meal
Dave: Matthew *sit* down!
Matthew: Wait Dave, I'm almost done
Bill (while reading a newspaper): Somebody wake me up when we get there (not at all conscious of what's going on. Meanwhile Dave keeps trying to push Matthew away from him)
Lisa: Dave, look out!
Cut to outside of van hitting a pole, you can hear everyone screaming. 10 seconds later...
Matthew: It's a Snoopy plush toy!
Cut to: the er. It's a quasi-normal day, just a couple of patients on the board. Mostly
everyone in the er is hanging around the front desk. Malucci is in front of everyone moving frantically.
Malucci: Rain! Explosive Diarrhea! Dr. Weaver!
Abby: Things than can ruin your day at work!
Malucci, Abby and Carter slap hands and sit down. Chuny, Luka, and Randi boo them.
Chuny: That's not fair, it's 3 doctors vs one, a nurse and a receptionist
Luka: We'll get them on the next round
Carter: No one can beat team JAM
Randi: Wow, did you come up with that acronym all by yourself?
Carter: Funny, I was gonna say the same about your outfit
Luka: Alright, settle down.
Conni: Multiple MVA, single auto vs light pole. Just 7 minors
Conni: 2 minutes
Weaver: Ok people let's get cracking. Chuny, Connie, and Haleh prepare the rooms. Luka, Carter, Maluchi, and Abby meet me out by the bay.
The doctors walk outside as one ambulance pulls up. The doors fly open as a bunch of people fly out, all screaming at each other. They all seem to be ok except for a couple of bruises.
Malucci: Where's the trauma?
Bill: I'll give you the trauma, buddy! Your ambulance there didn't have a place for me to put my legs up. Instead I had to ride all the way here with this bunch of idiots.
Joe: Let it go Bill
Both: What's up dude? (they hug and slap each other around)
Joe: What are you doing here man? I thought you went to Grenada to be with that girl with the awesome body who could put her legs behind her head
Malucci (embarrassed that his secret's out): Yeah well, there was a change of plans
He drags Joe into the er. Lisa approaches to Weaver with Dave in tow, who's holding his arm in pain
Lisa: Excuse me? Can you help him please? I think he has a broken arm.
Weaver: Of course. Abby? Why don't you take this one?
Abby (without turning back): I'll be right there
Carter approaches Lisa: Hi mam, I'm Dr Carter, that seems like a deep cut you have there on your head, why don't you come with me, see if you need some stitches?
Lisa: Can't I go with Dave?
Carter (confused): I think Dave has a patient already
Lisa: No, Dave, my boyfriend (motions to Dave)
Carter: Oh! Well your boyfriend might have a broken arm, we have to take him to another room to take some x-rays. This will only take a second.
Lisa: Ok. Dave? I'm going in. Are you ok? Does it hurt much?
Dave: I'm fine, just go have that cut checked out
Lisa kisses Dave and goes in with Dr. Carter. Abby approaches Dave
Abby: Hello, I'm Abby Lockhart I...
Dave (in awe): Whoa
Abby: I'm sorry?
Abby: What's your name?
Dave: D-dave, Dave Nelson
Abby: Hi Dave Nelson. Why don't we go in and take a look at that arm
Dave (in cloud 9): What arm?
Abby and Dave walk into the er.
Bill: Excuse me! But if anyone hasn't noticed I'm in a very serious medical condition here
Weaver: I'm sorry sir. Why don't you come with me? We can check you out, ok?
Bill (walking alongside Weaver into the er): So what's with the crutch?
Beth approaches Luka, obviously flirting
Beth: Hi, I'm Beth
Luka: Hello Beth, I'm Dr Kovac
Beth: Oh! International, I like that
Matthew: Excuse me?
Beth: Matthew go away
Matthew: I don't feel very well
Luka: Are you hurt?
Beth (pushing Matthew away): Oh he's fine! Just smashed his head into the windshield. So, Dr Kovac, where exactly are you from, and most important, do you believe in monogamy?
Luka: I'm sorry, your friend seems to be in a lot of pain
Beth: Oh, no. He's just weird like that.
Luka: Sir? why don't you come with me? we'll take care of that cut
Matthew: Can I have a lollipop?
Luka: A what?
Cut to inside the er. Abby and Dave are in exam 1. Dave is fascinated by Abby
Dave: So, Abby. That's a great name
Abby: It's short for Abigail
Dave: Abigail, beautiful.
Abby: Does it hurt when I do this (she presses his arm)
Abby: Your arm?
Dave: Oh yeah. It's just a fracture. I have a very high pain tolerance you know?
Abby: I bet. Well the X-ray shows that your arm is broken in two places, we're gonna have to put you in a cast
Dave: Great, Abby
Abby (aware of what he's doing): Don't you have a girlfriend? And isn't she in the next room?
Dave: Lisa? Yeah, she's my girlfriend. I love Lisa
Abby: Cause we can bring her here to hold your hand while we cast you arm?
Dave: No, I'm ok now
Dave sits back in embarrassment. On the next room. Carter is taking care of Lisa's cut
Lisa: So then, he accuses me of cheating on him with my ex-boyfriend Stuart, on the grounds that I was stringing him along. Can you believe that?
Carter: Well I can see how he could be jealous
Lisa: How come?
Carter: He's obviously so much in love with you that he doesn't want to lose you
Lisa: Yeah but he could at least say it every once in a while. I was gonna be a doctor you know?
Carter: Really? What happened?
Lisa: I decided I wanted to be a Forest Ranger instead
Carter: Really? You're a Forest Ranger?
Lisa: No, I'm a radio journalist
Carter: Radio! Have I heard you somewhere?
Lisa: I doubt it, our radio station is in New York, we're here because the owner of the station wanted us to do some volunteering in his shelter for the homeless. By the way, someone should call him, he's back at the shelter waiting for us
Carter: I'll see that someone lets him know. That's awfully nice of him, to come all the way here to help our homeless when New York is full of them
Lisa: Well, he's only doing it because Rupert Murdoc did it
Carter: Oh yeah. You know he served the homeless just Chef Boyardee? We had to treat 152 of them for severe indigestion
Cut to exam 3. Bill, Catherine, and Matthew are being examined by Kerry, Cleo and Luka. Beth is there too
Cleo (to Catherine): Well, you seem to be ok, but that's a pretty nasty bruise on your belly, I don't wanna send you home and have you internally bleed to death
Catherine: I'd be ok if Bill hadn't hit me with that disproportionate head of his
Bill: Well maybe I'd be ok if you hadn't hit me with *your* ribs. And where are my ice chips?!
Matthew: I'll go get them Bill
Luka: No, you need to sit back, that's a pretty nasty bruise in your head. I'm gonna put you in an IV, just to keep you under observation
Matthew: I'm allergic to IVs
Kerry: How can you be allergic to body fluids?
Matthew: Here's a list of my allergies (he takes a huge list out of his back pocket and gives it to Luka who examines it closely)
Luka: So basically we can only treat you with alcohol?
Matthew: Walgreens alcohol. The real one gives me hives
Luka (reluctant): Well, I guess you can go home then
Kerry: Maybe we can keep him here for a few hours, to prevent cerebral damage
Bill: I think we're too late for that
Matthew (touched): Oh, Bill. (to Luka) Here's a picture of my cats
Luka: Why are they attacking you?
Matthew: They were just goofing around
Luka: You're bleeding
Bath (tossing the pic away): So, now that you've treated Matthew, maybe you can take a look at me
Luka: Of course, are you hurt?
Beth: Not exactly
Luka: I see, why don't you go and wait over in chairs
Beth: Ah, hard to get. That just makes the game more exciting. Sure, I'll wait, in chairs, maybe I'll be lying down (Beth exits)
Bill: Can somebody explain to me why I'm sharing a room with these two?
Catherine: Shut up Bill!
Cleo (to Catherine): You know, it wouldn't kill you to relax every once in a while
Catherine: Well, it wouldn't hurt *you* to smile every once in a while honey.
Cleo (insulted): Ok, well, I better go see about that belly (she exits)
Cleo meets with Benton out in the hallway, we can't hear them talking but it's obvious they're discussing Catherine's case. Before Benton walks in, he and Cleo kiss for a while.
Bill: Oh, What is this? A hospital or a soap opera at Circuit City? And why is that guy so
serious? He's getting laid for crying out loud?
Kerry: Well Mr. McNeal, you seem to be ok. So you can go whenever you want
Bill: I *seem* to be ok? Why the hell do you have all these machines for if you're not going to use any of them? I can sue for malpractice
Kerry: Well, for you to sue for malpractice, there has to be practice involved, and you seem to be ok
Bill: My taxes pay your bills you know?
Kerry: Mr McNeal, do you know what this is? (holds up an instrument) This is a Foley, and if you don't just sit back and shut up you'll be in such an excruciating pain that you'll wish your mommy wouldn't have pushed you out
Bill: Strong character, delicious.
Weaver walks out and Benton walks in.
Catherine: Excuse me?
Benton: I'm sorry, you look at lot like my sister, except you're younger
Catherine (flattered): Oh, thank you
Bill: She only looks young, she's actually 38
Catherine: Bill! (she tries to beat him up with her IV)
Benton: Ok, ok now. Why don't you come with me, Ms?
Catherine: Duke. Catherine Duke
Benton: Ms Duke. We'll take a look at that stomach (they exit)
Matthew (to Luka): You see, Mitt-Mitt was jealous because I was spending all that time with Choo-Choo, but I was only taking care of him because he had a migraine. I mean, how am I supposed to take care of one cat when the other is totally giving me the code of silence.
Luka: I see, why don't you excuse me for a moment?
Luka walks out the room and picks up the phone in the hallway.
Luka: Hello? Psych? I have a real case for you down here
Abby and Dave. Abby's still working on Dave's cast when Lisa walks in.
Lisa: Dave, are you ok?
Dave: Yeah, I'm fine. Oh, this is Abby. Abby, my girlfriend Lisa
Abby: Hi (they examine each other for a while. Dave, between Abby and Lisa, smiles to himself)
Exam 4. Benton and Catherine. Benton is looking at her x-rays.
Benton: Well, everything seems to be ok. It's just a bruise. Just don't do any hard work in the next couple of days
Catherine: So, that pretty doctor, she your girlfriend?
Benton (uncomfortable): Um, yeah, her name's Cleo
Catherine: Cleo. So do I hear wedding bells for you two?
Catherine: Of course not. That girl is *not* serious about you
Catherine: You heard me
Benton: How do you know that?
Catherine: Trust me honey
Benton gets up and dials a number
Benton: Cleo? We need to talk
Catherine: That's what I'm saying
Out by the front desk. Almost everyone is ready to leave. Except for Dave, Catherine and Lisa, who are still in their respective rooms.
Beth (to Randi): But, if you put your nails in front of a fan they'll get all smudgy
Randi: I know, that's why you have to use that Revlon protector, that way all the colors stay intact
Beth: You're a genius. So listen, what's the deal with all the doctors here? I've even flirted with that bald moody one and he turned me down.
Randi: Well, if you wanna get some action from the doctors around here you either have to be another doctor or a nurse. You have a criminal record down at the police station and suddenly they're too good for you. It also helps if you're blond.
Beth: Well that sucks
Randi: Tell me about it. Besides these doctors are just a bunch of goodie-two-shoes. If I had to put up with their good nature in bed as well I'd go absolute bitchcakes
Enter Joe and Malucci
Joe: Man, I'll never forget you for leaving like that. We had everything set up for our own duct tape factory
Malucci: I know dude, I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better (takes something out of his pocket)
Joe: The Stocker Shocker!
Malucci: I never leave home without it. Plus I still practice Joe Jitsu when I'm not at work
Joe: You should come to New York for a visit, we'll go to a Rangers game and get drunk. Remember when we passed out on the Statue of Liberty?
Malucci: How can I forget? Those Japanese tourists never saw those scenes coming when they developed their pictures
Bill (entering): So I'm ready to get the hell out of here. Can we have our bill please?
Beth: Wait, Dave is not here yet
Bill: He better not assume that I'm paying for my treatment here. (to a doctor) Listen, can I get some morphine to go please?
Dave, Lisa, Abby, and Catherine enter.
Abby: Ok Dave, try to keep that arm dry and safe. You can go to your doctor to have the cast removed in New York.
Dave: Thanks Abby
Abby: No problem. Take care Dave
Abby and Lisa look at each other again for a few seconds, they turn away and walk towards different directions.
Catherine (to Benton): Remember, quick and painful. No matter how emotional she gets, and I don't think you have to worry about that, it'll be better for you in the end. That's how I broke up with Bill, and look at him now
Bill (to a patient, paranoid): If I were you I'd go to another hospital. There's a red haired
doctor limping around and she's a real dominatrix.
Catherine: Well, it worked out for me anyway.
Benton: Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Take care now
Dave: So, are we ready to go?
Beth: Mr. James is not here yet
Dave: We'll wait outside, this place is too weird
Catherine: Where's Matthew
Bill: Oh, by the way, Matthew was taken to an insane asylum
Bill: The doctor said it was a good idea
Joe: And you didn't stop him?
Bill: I agreed with him
Dave: Look, we'll deal with that later, let's just go
Beth: What about Matthew? You're gonna let him spend the night with a bunch of crazy people? (Dave gives her a look) Yeah, I guess you're right
They all start to walk away. Beth looks back
Beth: Oh! Good bye Dr Kovac
Luka, who had been walking towards the desk from the hallway, sees her, turns around, and walks into exam 2.
Dave: Hey Lisa? Have you ever thought of letting your hair grow?
After they're all out of the hospital Carter approaches Abby
Carter: What the hell was that?
Abby: I don't know, but I hope they never come back
Outside the hospital, after waiting for a few minutes, Mr James comes in
Jimmy: Hey gang. What's 911
Dave: Uh, we were in an accident?
Jimmy: I know Dave, I was trying to be funny
Lisa: Where's the van?
Jimmy: Well when they called me I went to the crash site, and all the food was still there so I took it back to the shelter and gave it to the hobos
Catherine: That's nice. Did they like it?
Jimmy: I think they did
Cut to the hobos in the shelter. One of them rises up...
Hobo: Where the hell are all the Monopoly stickers?
They all rise in anger. Cut to a camera shot of an airplane.
Dave: Did we forget something?
Cut to insane asylum
Matthew: Dave! Daaaaave!
Cut to the outside of the airplane
Bill: I don't think so
Dave: Hey Lisa?
Dave: Do you still have that doctor costume from last Halloween?