Gone


AUTHOR: Celina
EMAIL: ccci@nautilus.com.br
CATEGORY: MG/SL romance
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: Union Station
ARCHIVE: Go for it, just let me know where...
DISCLAIMER: None of this character belong to me, they are all property or Warner, Constant C, Michael Chricton, etc...
AUTHOR'S NOTES: ok, this is focused on Mark and Susan's angst when they see themselves apart again. Hope you like it. Please, please, I LOVE feedback!!! Songs: "Don't cry" performed by Guns 'n roses,"Can't turn back the years" by Phill Collins, "Missing you" by BSB and "Un-break my heart" by Toni braxton
SUMMARY: It follows Unfulfilled Expectations - part 6



"Since you’ve gone, well it seems

like everything is wrong

And deep inside, I know that

I’ve lost much more than pride

Well, happiness is getting further away

I miss you more than words can say

I need a miracle now

Losing you, well it’s been

The hardest thing to do

So I close my eyes and tell myself that

Somehow I’ll survive

Well you gave me heaven then you took it away

I miss you more with each passing day

I need a miracle now"

CHANGE THE WORLD - WESTLIFE

CHICAGO, IL

Kerry Weaver stared at him, arms folded over her chest. Was he listening to her at all? She looked closer to his montionless face. He hadn’t been the same since that trip to Boston. "What the hell had happened there?"

_Mark?

He looked up from the chart he was reviewing absently. The statement on her face made him wince a little. Kerry sighed.

_You were saying Kerry.... _ he said looking back at the chart on his hand.

_What time are you off?

_At seven, why?

_Go home and take some rest. _she replied walking away.

He looked at her in confusion. "What did she mean by that? I’m fine". He sat back on the chair and took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second. No, he wasn’t fine, no he wasn’t ok and no he wasn’t feeling down. His feelings went beyond that. He was miserable and lost, like a lonely abandoned kid in the dark. He hadn’t mentioned Susan and their encounter in Boston to anyone, not even to Doug, in an attempt to preserve what they had shared. But he knew that everybody noticed that he came back different. Ten days..ten days it had been since they had said goodbye. It felt like ten years. Mark rubbed his face quickly, his body aching in a mix of stress, stiffness and sadness. Kerry was righ, he needed to go home and take some rest. Not that the cause of his problems was excess of work, but he was certain pushing over to his limits in the hospital. He had given up his personal life and drowned in work whenever he got a chance to think of Susan. "Whenever he got a chance to think of Susan..." He didn’t need a chance to think of Susan. Truth be told he hoped he had a chance *not* to think of Susan.

_Dr. Greene, there’s a phone call for you _ Jerry’s voice broke into his thoughts.

Mark looked at him reflexively, like he has snapped out of a dream.

_Uh? ...Who is it?

Oh, how he wished it was her, how he longed to hear that soft, heart-melting voice ....

_It’s Rachel. – Jerry replied.

Mark smiled slightly at the mention of his daughter. At least Rachel could get his mind processing correctly for a moment.

____________________________***________________________________

PHOENIX, AZ

The moon was shining brightly in the dark sky. The city lights trying to steal its glow lightened the city as well. A soft chilly breeze blew and it almost felt like the fall in Chicago. Chloe Lewis stared out of the kitchen window to her backyard. Normaly she would find her daughter playing in the sandbox or running around with the family dog. But this time the figure she stared at was her sister Susan and her blatant sadness. She was seated on little Suzie’s swing that she knew was too little for her, but even so she always played on it.

What worried Chloe wasn’t the possibility of the swing breaking ,‘cause sometimes, when nobody was watching she liked to play in that swing herself . What worried her strongly was that Susan had been acting strange lately. And she could recall exactly since when: the medical conference in Boston. Susan hadn’t mentioned her anything, but she knew something had happened, something huge. She hadn’t seen her sister that down since her first months in Phoenix, three years ago. In that time she didn’t know what else to do to help her sister. Gradually she had gotten better and for the past months it almost felt like she belonged there. Chloe liked to have her around and she knew how much it had costed her to be there. But what had gotten into her lately? What could have possibily happened in those six days away?

Maybe she was just homesick .... yeah it made sense. After all, the day was coming, november 21, the day she had left Chicago. Maybe Susan was just in the old time –spirit. Maybe she just missed her old friends and her old job. "What the heck! I’ll go find this out" Chloe walked towards the back door and headed for the swing. Before sitting down, she studied Susan’s features closely. Her eyes never showed so much sadness. They were fixed in some point of nowhere, her statement blank.

_Hey little sis!

Susan looked at her absently and tried to fake a smile.

_Sorry for not helping you with the dinner today Chloe. It’s just that I don’t feel so well.

_And why is that? Seems like you haven’t been feeling well for some time now.

Susan shook her head slightly and bit her lower lip.

_I’m just tired, that’s all. _ she lied.

Chloe nodded. Susan looked away and for some minutes both of them were quiet.

_I’m worried about you Susan._ Chloe started.

Susan turned to look at her but didn’t say anything. She knew Chloe would say more.

_Where’s that smile on your face? Where’s that laugh? You barely eat, you barely speak and for the look on your face you haven’t been sleeping well too. _she paused_ What’s going on?

_Nothing is going on Chloe. I told you I’m just tired.

Chloe looked at her with a "i don’t believe you" kinda look.

_I’m serious Chloe.

_Ok, just keep in mind that I’m here for you. If you want to talk or anything...

_I know. Thanks.

Susan took a deep breath and glanced at her watch.

_I better go now, it’s late. _ she said getting up.

_Want me to take you?

_No, I came by car.

_Okay, take care!

_I will. Kiss Suzie goodnight for me, ok?

_Ok.

Susan turned around and made her way out of the house. She ducked her hands into her pockets and breathed deeply before unlocking the door of the car. She sat down and started to pull out the car. Her apartment wasn’t very far from Chloe’s house, but the only place she needed to be in that moment was too far out of reach. Oh, Geez, how much she wanted to move on with her life, how much she wished someday all that pain and sorrow would be taken away of her soul.

Well, she couldn’t blame anybody else but her. She knew it was wrong, she knew it would only make things worse, but either way she did it. She gave up and kissed him, and then things became out of hand. One thing led to another and now where was she? Alone and desperate, miles away from the man she most loved in her entire life. Just the thought of feeling his breath, of feeling his touch... Susan knew things wouldn’t be easy, letting go seemed impossible to achieve.

She put her hands over the wheel and tried to focus on the street and the traffic. How could she think that once in Phoenix, Mark would be past? How could she underestimate her feelings, how could she underestimate the love she felt so strong? She had watched too many movies about torturing and impossible love stories, where the couple, after overcoming obstacules, would live happily ever after. Too many books where every act was worthed and the pain only made the end more delightful. Haha ... what a joke! She wasn’t a little innocent girl anymore. Love stories with happy ending didn’t exist! "Get over with this Susan." Believing that in the end, everything would turn out fine was foolish. Moving on was a necessity, after all, she couldn’t go on pretending like she was living in a fairy tale.

"Urgh" she snapped as she reached for the radio button.

"Could’ve given you everything that you need

But I cannot turn back the years

The perfect love was all you wanted from me

But I cannot turn back the years"

Yeah, that was right. Where was her mind when he ran half-way across town to Union Station, just to beg her to stay?Foremost, where was her heart when he said all she had ever needed to hear from his mouth? Where was her sanity when he pleaded, when he confessed his deepest feelings in tears? How could she turn down the real possibility of having na honest loving relationship? She knew Mark would be the last person in the world to hurt her. So why couldn’t she stay?

"So we have to be strong, and I’m finding that hard

We have to move on, but no matter how hard I try

If your heart is in pieces, you look for the truth

And when I look deep down inside I know, it’s too bad I love you"

He was her best friend, her confident, so why so much fear in trusting him her heart? What was wrong in even trying? They could had been something... she knew that, everybody around knew that.

"Sometimes hits me in the morning, hits me at night

That I cannot turn back the years

So I look out my window, turn off my light

But I cannot turn back the years"

Yes, she couldn’t turn back the time, she couldn’t take away her actions, her hypocritic words.And it never hurted more than now... It was all her fault, all her fault!! If she hadn’t left in the first place....It was no worth crying over the spilled milk, right? No it wasn’t, but could she at least wallow a little...

"Can’t make it seem easy, when you’re all that I see

Can’t live in a dream and I won’t serenade the truth

People are hurting and they’re looking to me

And I look at you there’s nothing more to say, it’s too bad I love you"

She needed him. She needed him badly.And nothing could change that. All of those memories, all of those times, all of those kisses, they just seemed to be within her soul. It felt like nothing after or before that trip made sense. His face was all she could see, his name all she could listen. Was she out of her mind? Maybe. Or maybe it was just love.

"But I’m never gonna give it up

All that I lived for, all that I dreamed

But I cannot turn back the years

You’re the water I drink, you’re the air that I breathe

But I cannot turn back the years

So we have to be strong, and I’m finding that hard

We have to move on, but no matter how hard I try

If your heart is in pieces, you look for the truth

And when I look deep down inside I know, it’s too bad I love you"

Mark swung his bag from his shoulder to the floor when he finally got home. His eyes scanned around the room as he reached for the light switch. He closed his eyes for a brief second until his vision got used to the bright light. He sighed and headed for the bathroom, hoping that a long shower would wash away his troubles. The water ran through his body, mixing along with the warm tears that streamed down his face. Keeping that in was only making it worse, he needed to let that out, he needed to let the world know how much he missed her. He wanted everybody to understand that without her life was no longer valid, he wanted to let them all know the amazing moments they had spent together. He missed her! He missed that little sparkles in her eyes, he missed that open smile, that breathtaking view of waking up next to her. And that kiss .... he lost his senses everytime his lips met hers.

"Oh baby I'm missing you
We used to love so strong
Tell me where did we go wrong
Oh baby I'm missing you
They said I'd to forget
But it sure ain't happen yet

Been checking all the places
Where we used to go
Been looking for your face
Inside the crowd"

How come destiny be so cruel? Why did they have to part, twice? Mark had lost the count of how many nights he had wasted by pondering and cursing destiny. He was tired of it. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve so much suffering. Didn’t he deserve love? Didn’t he deserve happiness? There was no such a thing since he didn’t have her.

"I still have your picture
Hung around my room
That's the only thing
That is left of you with me
Girl what can I do to let you
Come back soon
And make it just the way
It used to be

I can't sleep at night
I know this can't be right
Come back into my life"

There was nothing else to do. She was in Phoenix, he was in Chicago and they had promised to move on, at least try to move on. They had made a pact to try to put Boston and all that happened there behind. Not behind, but in a place where it could only be remembered. Where it would be untouchable, where they knew it was past and there’s was nothing they could do about it. No phone calls, no letters, no thoughts of each other...that was hard. Mark didn’t agree with that. As a hopeless romantic, he stil believe that if they really wanted they could work this out. In his heart, he knew there was nobody else but her. And there would never be ....

"I know there's a chance
For you and I
And I believe there's
No way our love could die
So no matter how long
It takes I'll wait for you
And whatever it takes
I'll be there for you"

 

Susan buried her face in the pillow and then tossed and turned on the bed. She sat up and fluffed the pillow. Resting back, she knew sleeping was a lost cause. Reaching over the nighstand, she glanced at the clock: 1:30 am. She couldn’t go on like that. Since she had come back from Boston she wasn’t able to sleep through the night. She knew it wasn’t the time difference that was keeping her from sleeping, she knew it wasn’t the huge soft bed she was missing. It was him. It was his arms around her, his breath on her neck, his gentle touch ... how did she expect to sleep when all she had was an empty bed and an empty soul. Turning on the lamp beside her, her vision got the image of his face. No, she wasn’t hallucinating. It was a picture of him, a picture of them both together back in Boston. A sad smile sprode over her face as she remembered the day they had taken that picture. It was the very first day they had met, and she convinced him to go to the mall. Susan shook her head and got up abruptly. "Tea" she murmured as she made her way to the kitchen. Tea wouldn’t help, that much was clear, but she needed some distraction.

Tem minutes later, Susan was pacing around the living room, absenty stirring the cup of tea in her hands. Hey eyes were fixed on the phone, and her fingers itching to call him. He first instinct was to pick up the receiver and dial his number, but her already dazed mind kept telling her no. She tried to find a resonable excuse not to call him, but none of the was stronger than her feelings. She knew she shouldn’t, she knew it would hurt even more to listen to his voice and not be able to feel him, but her spirit longed for that comfort.

Slowly moving closer to the phone, she stopped to get some air. She could feel her hands trembling and her heart pounding. "Calm down, it’s only him" she told herself as she finally gathered the courage to dial. ...

He was sprawled over the couch, eyes lost in some point of nowhere, flipping the channels of the tv. He was getting used to that awful movies they passed late at night, when they thought nobody was watching. No basketball, baseball, or even golf, just some cheesy movies and old videos. He gave up and tossed the remote control on the table, sighing heavily. Staring at the ceiling, he let his mind wonder. Was she missing him at all? Was she feeling like someone had taken a part of her? ‘Cause that was the way he felt and that was they way he would feel for a long time ahead. That prospective scared him a lot, but not so much as the possibility of never seeing her again.

"Don’t leave me in all this pain

Don’t leave me out in the rain

Come back and bring back my smile

Come and take these tears away

I need your arms to hold me now

The nights are so unkind

Bring back these nights when I held you beside me"

He had loved other women before, he had cared about other women before, but not the way he did for Susan. She was the first one he actually needed and the only one he couldn’t have. Two worlds apart from a great distance, two broken hearts of two soulmates who loved each other strongly.

"Take back that sad word goodbye

Bring back the joy to my life

Don’t leave me here with these tears

Come and kiss this pain away

I can’t forget the day you left

Time is so unkind

And life is so cruel without you here beside me

Un-break my heart

Come back and say you love me

Un-break my heart sweet darlin’

Without you I just can’t go on"

Mark stood up and wandered across the room. He turned off the tv and headed for his bedroom. But something made him stop in his tracks. He turned around and heard the loud noise of the phone. "It’s probably the hospital" he thought. He let a big breath out and decided to go to bed, the machine could answer the phone. It rang once again and something inside of him knew that he *had* to answer that. Picking up the receiver, he heard a distant breath, which made him go pale. For a long second all he could hear was his heart beating wildly inside. It was her, it was definitely her. He could sense that.

Susan hesitated in the other side of the line, she couldn’t get the words out. Mark mouthed something, but no sound came out of his mouth.

_I know I shouldn’t be calling .... but I just needed to hear your voice _ she whispered, a single tear falling on her cheek.

He closed his eyes to let that voice penetrate his heart, his soul.

_It’s ok ...I – I’m glad you did.

She smiled as she tried to imagine him: what was he doing awake so late?

_Did I wake you? _ she asked, suddenly aware of the time.

_Uh, no. I couldn’t sleep.

They were silent for a couple of seconds.

_I miss you ! _ he said, trying to stiffle the sobs. _ I thought I would never talk to you again, Susan...

She ran her fingers softly through the phone, as she was caressing his face.

_I miss you too. And I don’t understand how I ever thought I could go on without you ... _ she stopped to wipped off the tears.

Mark took a deep breath. God, how much he wished he could be right there by her side to envolve her in a warm embrace!

_Don’t cry _ he whispered.

"Talk to me softly
There's something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please don't cry
I know how you feel inside i've been there before
Somethings changing inside you
And don't you know"

_I wish you were here with me. .. _ she said.

_Susan, don’t do that. _ he replied, his voice thick with emotion

_I know, I’m sorry. It’s just hard ....


"Give me a whisper
And give me a sigh
Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye
Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinking of you
And the times we had"

_I know. So _ he took a deep breath _ how are you?

_Fine _ she replied.

_You’re not good at lying _ he said.

_Neither are you. _ she smiled through the tears that fell uncontrollaby.

"And don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight"

_I love you, you know that? But we can’t go on punishing ourselves like that. I need you, Susan. And I need you here. _ he said almost pleading.

_It’s not that easy, Mark.

_I know it isn’t, but we have to do what is righ for us. I mean ...

_I know what you mean. I just don’t wanna lose you ...

They were both crying now.

"And please rememeber that i never lied
And please rememeber
How i felt inside now honey
You gotta make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby"

_You won’t, I’ll always be with you. But right now, we ..

_Have to opt for our sanity? _ she asked.

_Yeah.

Susan sighed heavily as she tried to conquer the sobs.

_Okay.

_Okay _ he repeated, not knowing what to say next.

_I love you.

_Love you too!

And then they hung up the phone, both as lost and empty as they could feel. The pain taking their body as a whole, breaking their hearts in pieces, tearing up their souls.


" And don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight
Baby, maybe, someday
Don't you cry"

Was that the end? Was that how they would end up, lost, alone, desperate?

Mark fell back on the couch, letting the weight of his words sink in. He loved her, he needed her, he knew he couldn’t breath without her. So, why did he have to say that? Why did he have to be the one to set a closure on their history? As Susan cried defenceless in her room, Mark decided to give his dreams a chance. If he had any choice, it wouldn’t be the end for them. It could be a new beggining, or at least, one more try.....





Continued in: Anywhere For You
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