Goodbye?


AUTHOR: Sylvia
EMAIL: ellaspyrka@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: AL/LKo
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: Season Nine; right after Hindsight
ARCHIVE: Please please please email me!
DISCLAIMER: These are not my characters, they belong to NBC and Warner Bros. I wish they were mine, but their not. And I didn't get them for Christmas..
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I got bored. I love writing with Abby, because she is soo awesome and easy to relate to.. And Luka, well, Luka is very unique and special to me! ~_0 And tons of thanks to Lydia and Keri!!! You guys rock!! And has anyone noticed that in Homer's "The Odyssey," the characters cry like on every page?? {Very annoying}
SUMMARY: Luka and Abby finally talk after Hindsight, but it doesn't go as planned.



~*~


Abby didn't understand him. She never could. How could he say she wasn't, or didn't look happy? He was drunk. Well sorry Luka, she thought to herself. Your mistakes. Not hers. She loved Carter and was happy to be with him. He gives her all the support and friendship she needs, all the time, not just in bed. She didn't regret leaving Luka. But he was falling apart, and deny it, as much as she could, she still loved him. But it wasn't in a "want to be with him forever" type of way. Carter was there for her, but there was still history. History she could never forget.

~*~


Luka stood there watching her with Carter. It hurt him so badly. He had tried to tell her he loved her, he really had. But nothing came out right. And now she thinks he slept with Erin, but it was all a big misunderstanding. Nothing happened. The one person he loved most, wouldn't, or couldn't, loved him. It was all because of one or two stupid mistakes he had made. He had tried to make everything work, but it fell apart instead. He couldn't always be there for her. He had his own problems, too. His wife had died, with Jasna and Marko. Something that would haunt him until the day he died. He could never forget Danjella. He loved her. Then Carol, whom he opened his soul to. She left him for Doug. Then Abby. He knew the saying, "You never know what you have until you lose it." He had never understood it until now. He would never be able to move on. He still loved Abby.

~*~


Abby stood there, watching him flirt with yet another patient? Maybe hooker? She didn't know. All that mattered was that she didn't see it. The nurses' petition was bad. The counseling that she had to do with him, was twice as worse. He had become so distant, since they had broken up. Never made ends meet. Never talked out everything that happened. It drove her crazy. Carter knew, too. He suggested talking to him, over dinner or something. Carter was always taking her out. Showing her things she could have never seen before. Totally different worlds. She was happy. She was safe and secure. She knew Carter like she knew her own heart. He might leave, but in the end he would always come back. He was her rock, her security, her stability in life. Luka never was.

~*~


Today was the day, Luka decided. He was calm, sober, and in control. He needed to be. He also needed to know the truth. Why he was falling apart, why he seemed so distant. Why he was drinking, ruining his life. His life had no meaning anymore. He didn't care, yet he had to get this off his chest. He had to let her know. He can't let her run his life. She has to know. He saw her coming, but she was with Carter. Luka didn't want to wait. He walked up to her.

~*~


Abby had just walked in with Carter. She was tired. They had gone to a benefit the night before, and met his parents, although at separate times. All they heard the whole night was 'When's the wedding?' She was smiling, just thinking about it. She had glowed all night. She loved him, she really did. But as soon as she pulled away from Carter's kiss, she saw Luka. He walked up to them, as Abby buried her head into Carter's chest.
"Abby, can I talk to you? Please?"
She didn't want to, but Carter's goodbye kiss, and nudge towards the door helped. She agreed.
"Sure, Luka. Want to get some coffee?"
She knew the answer would be yes.

~*~


This was the big moment. He was going to tell her. He didn't even know how she would respond. Well, this was it. He wanted to start. There was no turning back. Whatever happened, happened.
"So Luka, what did you want to talk about?"
"I wanted to apologize for, uhh... the last few weeks. For the way I've been acting, especially for what happened at Susan's."

~*~


The topic made Abby uncomfortable. He had been drunk, and told her she looked unhappy. She was happy with Carter. Very happy. And very much in love. She was never happy with Luka. She only had to hide all her problems, she never could be herself. Then, in the end, she always ended up at Carter's door.

~*~


"Abby, I'm sorry for the way I acted, and for what I said. I might have been drunk, but that's the only way I could have ever said anything to you."
He slowly looked down and fiddled with his spoon. He couldn't decide whether to continue. He did.
"Abby, but the truth is, I'm unhappy seeing you together with Carter. I still love you."
He looked up at her glaring eyes. She seemed mad, yet ready for what he had said.
"I'm falling apart without you. I've only loved twice in my life. Danjella, and you. And I can't just let you go."

~*~


Abby knew it would come to this. She couldn't break his heart more than she already had, yet another part of her screamed, 'What are you doing? You have Carter. Carter has always been there for you. He never has!' She didn't know what to say, but her common sense all but left her. "Really, Luka, if you had loved me, you would have always been there, cared for me, loved me, tried to make things work. Why did I have to always run to John, to Carter, for support? Luka it's over. It's been over. I'm sorry, I wished we could at least be friends, but now, because of how you've been acting, I don't even think that can work." She got up and left.

~*~


Every word of her mouth stabbed Luka like a million knives. He wanted to cry. She paralyzed him. He couldn't even look up as she got up and left him. He never knew Abby to be like that. He never knew her to be so cruel, so selfish. Yet he still loved her. His body ached for her touch. Her voice was a soothing lullaby he was afraid he'd never hear again.

~*~


Abby didn't know how she had just said that to Luka. She knew those words were coming, she prepared herself mentally, but her body took over. As she walked back to the ER, she wiped a single tear from her eye. She looked up, trying to be strong. There was Carter, standing in between the open doors. He was always there for her. She walked up to him, and without a word, he embraced her. They stood there for a while. She heard Carter's words. She knew this was whom she was meant to be with...
"Abby, it's okay. I love you. And I will never hurt you. Never."

~*~


Luka walked out of Doc Magoo's. As he did, he saw Carter holding Abby. It drove him insane. He was ready to kill himself. He was hollowed out. Empty. He couldn't live like this. A pain struck him every time he saw her. He needed to get away. From Chicago, from the ER, from Abby. He had to start his life over. Again. He knew what he was going to do, as he walked back into the ER.

~*~


Abby couldn't concentrate on her work. Every patient said something to remind her of Luka and their conversation this morning. She knew she needed to apologize, if not that, then try to talk to him again. Only if she calmed down first. He had told Carter what had happened. He understood. He always did. Yet she could not understand her own feelings. She felt so confused, so frustrated, so alone in this. She could never tell Carter about her doubts. She cared about him too much to hurt him. As she headed towards the lounge for a cup of coffee, she overheard Kerry talking to someone...
"We're really going to miss you, Luka. I wish you would reconsider."
Abby dread the reply.
"I'm sorry, I really need to do this."
Abby knew it was her fault as she watched Kerry leave the room, and she slowly entered. Unsure of what was about to happen.

~*~


Luka just told Kerry that he resigned. He didn't know where he was going, or what he would accomplish by doing so, yet he couldn't stay here. Maybe he would go back to Croatia, try to rebuild his life there. His family was there and some of his old friends. As he heard the door open, his mind wandered back to the task of cleaning out his locker. He decided to leave unnoticed. Never say goodbye. Goodbyes were too hard. No one needed to know, to even realize he was gone. Gone. Wherever 'gone' was.

~*~


Abby didn't know how to begin, what to say. But her mouth began to move, and words flowed out. It all happened without her knowing, without her consent. "Running away, again? Luka, that never solves your problems. I've tried it many times before."

~*~


She was the last person Luka wanted to see. The last person he ever wanted to see again. He didn't bother to answer her question, as he threw on his coat, took his things, and walked right past her. That was his good-bye.

~*~


Abby knew she had pushed too far. Pushed her insecurities, and her doubts onto Luka. Now he was gone. She could count all the things she could have done differently, all the things to make Luka stay. But it was all too late now. She blamed herself.

~*~


Luka was crying. He hadn't cried since Danjella died. This was it. A fresh new start. Then why, he thought, couldn't he pick up his pace. Instead he slowly trod away from the ER, as if he was planning to turn around if his will gave in. He stopped as soon as he heard that familiar voice. His will had given in. "Luka! Wait!"

~*~


Abby didn't know why she ran after him. She felt guilty? She felt too harsh? Or was she scared of the truth? She felt her feelings coming back. "Luka. I'm sorry."

~*~


Luka didn't care anymore. She could say all she wanted. Nothing could change his mind. Nothing could make up for everything that he's been through. Nothing. "It's okay, Abby. Really."
~*~


Abby saw he was crying, crying tears because of her. Her heart ached. She had never felt like this before. And not even Carter could make this feeling go away. She finally spoke from her heart. The words flowed, intertwined with tears. "Luka, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for everything to end like this. I don't want it to. Please, stay. Kerry would take you back in a snap. As much as I love Carter. I love you, too. As a friend. You have been one of the best things to happen to me in my life. I can't live without knowing that you're there. You're okay. Please, Luka. Please stay. I need you in my life. I want you to be here. I need someone to understand me."

~*~


Luka heard those words, yet his mind was made up. He looked at the woman he loved in front of him. Crying for him. Yet it meant nothing now. He looked at her, and shook his head. He walked away. Never turned back. He loved her. But it was ruining him. He had been a totally different person before. This was a new start, maybe one without an Abby. Maybe he would find someone who loved him for who he was. His smile and personality, along with his faults and his mistakes. He had a lot of love to give. He just needed to find the right person. And, now, he realized it wasn't Abby. But he wished the best for her along with Carter.




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