If I Ask Of You
CATEGORY: Luka/Abby, Angst/Romance
SPOILERS: Chaos Thoery, thought it's set months and months later.
ARCHIVE: Sure, just drop me a line
DISCLAIMER: Luka and Abby belong to Crichton and friends, the title
comes from the song 'Is It Okay if I Call You Mine?' sang by Paul
McCrane on the movie 'Fame', that doesn't have much to do with the
fanfic but is just so lovely.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Dedications: For all the Lubies anywhere in the world... Especially
those I know personally.
Feedback: Of course! email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org
Beta reader's note: I want to apologize to all Noa-fans for delaying
this a couple weeks. Been busy and forgetful. Shame on me.
SUMMARY: Did anyone ever tell you about that County rooftop magic?
There was a time when I thought I had finally lost her for good, that
I really blew my chance this time.
I watched her until watching her became too painful, because I
thought she finally had what I was looking for - happiness. I don't
exactly remember how, but somehow we found ourselves on the rooftop,
talking, and that was when I found out - Found out she had me fooled
for the last few months. What I saw, that happiness I believed was
present in her? A masquerade, she told me. She said that she tried
and tried, tried to be happy with him and pretend she could be in a
normal relationship, and she guessed it seemed to have worked if even
I believed she was. I told her that I wondered, because I often
caught her frowning like she used to, but only when she was alone,
away from him. She had to keep on pretending, she told me, because
people expected it, and she wanted it. She wanted to be happy with
him; she wanted to love him. It didn't matter that she didn't, that
deep inside she knew she would never be happy with him, she still
So I kissed her.
Because it was what we always did, what I had gotten used to.
Whenever we talked and things got too heavy or too hard, that was
what we turned to. I remember being completely exhausted after every
time we made love, but not physically exhausted - emotionally.
Because whenever we made love, there was so much in it aside from the
physical aspect, so many emotions and so much passion that it left
me - and her - drained of all emotional energy.
So she pulled away.
Because I was an idiot, that's what she said. An idiot for staying
with her for a whole year no matter how badly she treated me. An
idiot for still sticking around in her life afterwards. An idiot for
still caring about her. An idiot for making it so hard for her to
love him. An idiot for falling in love with her and a bigger idiot
for making her fall in love with me.
So she kissed me.
Because she wanted to, because it felt right and so good and not
forced in the least. Because kissing me was everything kissing him
wasn't, and kissing me, she later said, beat kissing him. Because I
was an idiot, but she loved me for being an idiot, and she loved me
for everything and nothing at all.
So I pulled away.
Because I had to look her in the eye, had to look her in the eye
while telling her I love her. Because I needed her to look me in the
eye when she told me she loves me. Because I needed her to look at me
when she promised to talk to him today and end things. When she
promised to drop by my place afterwards, and talk things out - Talk
for real this time, she promised.
So I held her.
Because I needed to feel her head against my chest as the both of us
cried silently for all the time we lost. We cried for time spent
together but so far apart, and for time spent apart when we should've
been together. We cried for the three years it took us to get to know
each other, to date, to break up, to date others, everything that had
to happen for us to get here. We cried for each other's painful pasts
and the common future we feared. We cried for everything.
So she didn't pull away.