WRITTEN FOR THE ULTIMATE ER MESSAGE BOARD HUMOUR FANFIC CONTEST check out the club at http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/theultimateermessageboard
THE ER IS EMPTY. THE CAMERA PANS AROUND CHAIRS, OVER THE ADMIT DESK, DOWN THE HALLWAY. THE CURTAIN AREAS ARE DEVOID OF PATIENTS. CAMERA VIEW SUDDENLY GOES FROM BEING VERY SMOOTH TO JERKING UNEXPECTEDLY.
STEADICAM OPERATOR: Dang these cables! Shouldnt we let them sleep?
CAMERA RESUMES GLIDING ALONG THE HALLWAY. SUDDENLY WE HEAR VOICES AND SLURPING NOISES COMING FROM THE TRAUMA ROOMS. CAMERA TURNS THE CORNER AND STOPS AT TRAUMA ONE DOORS, LOOKING THROUGH THE WINDOWS. ON THE CENTRAL GURNEY ARE THE TWO TANGLED BODIES OF PETER AND CLEO. CAMERA FOCUS ZOOMS IN.
JOHN WELLS: Hey you, cut it out, this isnt a porn movie maybe I should store that concept for another TV series though .
CAMERA FOCUS ZOOMS OUT AGAIN AND WE SEE STAFF MEMBERS AROUND THE TRAUMA ROOM, WATCHING WITH DISGUSTED statementS.
LUKA: That is sorta gross, is it not?
CAROL: I cant believe that this is happening when we are meant to be out there helping people, tending to the sick and needy and impoverished population of Chicago who need us, hell, they just need me. I could solve all their problems. After all, I am the angel of the ER.
LUKA: Carol, there are no patients. Everyone is well and healthy.
CAROL: Oh. Well, in that case I guess I can indulge myself a little.
LUKA GRABS CAROL AND TIPS HER BACK, KISSING HER WHILE SHE RAISES ONE LEG INTO THE AIR.
THE DOORS BETWEEN TRAUMAS ONE AND TWO OPEN AND CARTER WANDERS THROUGH.
CARTER: Hey, whats going on here?
CONNI GASPS AND PUTS ONE HAND OVER CARTERS EYES. LYDIA STARES AT HER.
CONNI: Hes too young and innocent!
LYDIA: That was 5 seasons ago get over it!
CONNI: Well, now that you do mention it he does have the cutest butt.
DR DAVE GETS UP FROM HIS DECKCHAIR SEAT IN PRIME VIEWING POSITION AND PUTS DOWN HIS POPCORN.
DAVE: Whoa whoa whoa. If were talkin cute butts here, I think you laydeeeez are missing out on something
AS HE BENDS OVER, MARK GREENE WALKS INTO THE TRAUMA ROOM AND GAPES AT THE SIGHTS. HIS GLASSES STEAM UP, AND HE TAKES THEM OFF AND WIPES THEM ON HIS SCRUB TOP. AFTER DOING THIS, HE MOPS HIS HEAD, AND RECEDING HAIRLINE AREA. JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING, A WHISTLE IS HEARD IN THE DISTANCE AND BEFORE LONG IT IS RIGHT IN THE ROOM WITH EVERYONE ON THE FLOOR, ROLLING AROUND CLUTCHING THEIR EARS.
WEAVER: ALRIGHT! I AM NOT HAVING ANY OF THIS IN MY EMERGENGY ROOM! IT IS NOT FUNNY TO MOCK THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARENT IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW! NOW GET OUT THERE AND DO SOME WORK!
EVERYONE WALKS OUT GRUMBLING.
INT. HALLWAY DAY
WEAVER CATCHES UP WITH MARK AS HE LEAVES, STILL MOPPING HIS VERY SHINY HEAD
WEAVER: Ah Mark. Just thought I'd mention, I'm going to go off for the day with this sales rep. I had ten meetings with Romano and three with Anspaugh today, could you cover them for me, thanks.
MARK: Hang on, slow down one minute...sales rep? Why are you going out with a sales rep?
WEAVER: Because he's cute.
SHE DISAPPEARS INTO THE DISTANCE. ELIZABETH APPEARS.
ELIZABETH: Mark Mark! Are you okay?
MARK: No, Kerry just ran off with a salesman and left me to go to all her meetings with Romano and Anspaugh.
YOSH PASSES BY
YOSH: I thought Anspaugh had stepped down as Chief?
MARK: He did. Kerry just has "meetings" with him for fun.
ELIZABETH:Oh Mark! Please promise me that if you want to talk about it, I am always here and ready to listen, you know I love you and your problems are my problems.
MARK: Thanks Elizabeth, but I don't really care that much...It's only Kerry.
ELIZABETH (TURNING SARCASTIC): Would that be "care" or "C.A.R.E."???
INT. PHARMACY DAY
CARTER PACES UP AND DOWN THE PHARMACY.
CARTER: Hmm, I am jealous after witnessing what happened in the Trauma rooms today. I must find someone to date, and this time someone who won't leave me or die. Who haven't I dated yet? Carol is spoken for - she already has Luka and that other doctor...what was his name now? The one who left in disgrace? Strange, I just can't remember his name. But anyway, that would make my chances with Carol down to one in three. Maybe I could tempt Susan Lewis back from Phoenix, now that Dr. Greene is involved with Dr. Corday...no, too much hassle. Abby possibly? But she's just a med student - I think my time of messing with med students is over. That only leaves me with Kerry. Oh man. That IS pretty disgusting, after all, I lived with her for a while. But the ER is the ER and I won't survive unless I finally get myself a successful relationship. Dr Weaver here I come.
INT. ADMIT AREA DAY
OUT OF NOWHERE THE AMBULANCE BAY DOORS CRASH OPEN AND CAROL RUNS IN HOLDING ONE TWIN. BEHIND HER, A STRANGE MAN WITH A BEARD AND A FISHING ROD HOLDS THE OTHER TWIN.
MARK: Carol, what's going on? One moment you say you're getting on a plane, the next you're back here with a screaming infant!
CAROL: Kate is dying someone help!!
LUKA: I will help you Carol, as I always did regardless of the fact you never told me about Mr. Animal Cracker.
CAROL: Luka, I love you, but I love Doug too - you wouldn't want to move to Seattle would you? I really need a babysitter for the weekends...
LUKA PINCHES KATE'S LEG
LUKA: Oh dear, I wonder what is wrong with her.
CLEO :HEY! I'M the pediatrician here, back off, buster.
CLEO PICKS KATE UP AND RUSHES TO A TRAUMA ROOM.
INT. TRAUMA ROOM DAY
CLEO DROPS THE BABY ON THE GURNEY. KATE BOUNCES AS SHE HITS THE GURNEY.
CLEO: Shut up kid, you're annoying me.
MAN WITH BEARD: Don't talk to my daughter like that!
EVERYONE: Who ARE you?!
MAN WITH BEARD: It's me, George!
MAN WITH BEARD: Oops, I mean Doug.
MARK: Doug, since when have you liked fishing?
DOUG: Well never really, but there's this new film out called The Ideal Hurricane, out on 23rd June, go and see it people, and um where was I?
BENTON RUSHES IN
BENTON: Okay, this baby needs surgery now! Let's get her up to the OR!
DOUG: Wait! She's scared of sterile dressings! You'll have to anaesthetize her down here before she sees anyone in the OR!
CAROL: How do you know that??! You've never seen the twins until today!
DOUG: No I haven't, I've seen them everyday since they were born!
MARK:I smuggled them out of daycare and rendezvous-ed with Doug in Iowa every lunch hour so he could see them.
CAROL: You DID?!
CHUNI: It's true.
INT. ADMIT AREA DAY
SUSAN LEWIS ENTERS THE ER. SHE LOOKS AROUND HER AT THE EMPTY HALLWAYS AND EXAM ROOMS, AND HEADS TO TRAUMA WHERE ALL THE NOISE IS COMING FROM.
INT. TRAUMA ROOM DAY
SUSAN: Carter, I got your call. I came back for you - it's a dog-eat-dog world in the ER and I'd be happy to help you out by having a few months together...I was thinking we could have a love child and then you'd be sure to survive another year or so.
CARTER: Susan, I'm sorry, I decided I'd get together with Kerry instead.
MARK: But Carter, Kerry ran off with a salesman this morning.
CARTER: Oh no! My plans are foiled again!
DAVE: If you're still staying, I'll have a love child with you, who-ever-you-are.
MARK: But I have first dibs on Susan!
SUSAN: Hah! Fooled you all! I am not Susan Lewis, I am actually Sally Field, come to be Abby's mother! Mwa ha ha haaaa!
SALLY FIELD: Yes dear?
ABBY: Just checking.
THE TRAUMA ROOM DOORS BANG OPEN AND A VERY SMALL PERSON WITH A GLOWING BALD HEAD WALKS IN. EVERYONE PEERS DOWN AT THE FLOOR TO SEE HIM.
ROMANO: Alright you people! What's going on here? Go and do some work, let this patient die in peace, no-one cares about him anyway. You, Carter, you're a rubbish doctor, you never listened to your med student. Greene, I am sick of all your whinging, and I will never understand what Lizzie sees in you. As for you Mallatucci, get yourself a proper name for God's sake! And Nurse Hatha-
MARK'S FOOT COMES CRASHING DOWN ON ROMANO
MARK: I always wanted to do that. Excuse me while I go and wipe off my clog.
MARK LEAVES THE ROOM
ELIZABETH: I will show I am an independent and strong woman by staying here while he cleans his shoe, and then I will go and see how your baby is.
CAROL: Oh Kate, Kate! I hope she's okay! I'm going up to see her, and I will probably need emotional support...
DOUG AND LUKA: I'm coming!
THEY LEAVE THE ROOM, THE TWO MEN BEHIND CAROL. EVERYONE ELSE FILTERS OUT SLOWLY AND SCATTER THEMSELVES AROUND THE ER, BUT MOSTLY AROUND THE ADMIT DESK.
INT. ADMIT DESK DAY
DAVE: Soooo, Jing-Mei. You know, I love that lab coat on you - but it'd look better on my bedroom floor...
JING-MEI SMILES AT HIM PATRONISINGLY AND WALKS AWAY.
LYDIA: Hey, does anyone know what happened to Jerry? I haven't seen him in ages.
MALIK: I heard he was abducted by aliens and got dropped in an X File where a monster made of trash killed him.
LILY: Oh, I heard that too
RANDI: That explains it then.
CAROL AND DOUG COME RUNNING UP TO THE DESK, DOUG NOW WEARING A BASEBALL CAP WITH "THE IDEAL HURRICANE" WRITTEN ON IT. THEY HAVE BOTH THE TWINS WITH THEM.
CAROL: Kate's okay! She just had the hiccups! Benton operated and found three dominoes and some bleach in her stomach, but those weren't a problem so he just stitched her up again - look, brand new!
A SIREN IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND AND A GURNEY COMES CRASHING THROUGH THE DOORS WITH TWO PARAMEDICS.
PARAMEDIC 1: Hey! We need some help here!
RANDI: Whoa, we're having a social moment here - your petty requests can wait!
PARAMEDIC 2: We'll be in Trauma 2!
THEY ZOOM DOWN THE CORRIDOR INTO TRAUMA 2.
INT. TRAUMA TWO DAY
THE PARAMEDICS COME IN, NEARLY ROLLING THE GURNEY RIGHT OVER LUKA WHO IS SITTING ON THE FLOOR.
LUKA: It's not fair! All my family die, I come to a foreign country, I work so hard, I make friends, I think I make MORE than friends and then one box of animal crackers ruins it all! Boo hooo!
MARK, HALEH, CARTER AND DAVE COME RUSHING IN
HALEH: Oh my god, it's Elizabeth.
DAVE: Whoa. What happened?
PARAMEDIC 2: We found her in Recovery, she hung herself with lots of tourniquets, tied together.
MARK: Oh great. If it's not my father dying of an incurable disease, or my best friend leaving for the other side of the country, it's my girlfriend hanging herself with tourniquets.
PARAMEDIC 1: She left a note.
HE HOLDS OUT A PIECE OF NOTEPAPER. MARK TAKES IT AND READS IT OUT LOUD
MARK: "Dear friends and family, goodbye cruel world. P.S. I had to do this for the sake of the story, the writer was clearly going nowhere."
CARTER: Well at least you know that it was a suicide. And at least it wasn't your fault.
MARK: Thanks Carter. I feel a bit better now.
CARTER: Well I'm glad someone does.
BATTLEFLAG BY LO FIDELITY ALLSTARS BEGINS TO PLAY ON THE RADIO AT THE ADMIT DESK, AND IT CAN BE HEARD IN THE TRAUMA ROOM.
CARTER: Oh no! Not this song, nooooo!!
HALEH: It must mean she's dying...
THE CARDIAC MACHINE HOLDS A LONG BEEP.
MARK SOBS. ABBY'S HEAD POPS AROUND THE TRAUMA ROOM DOORS.
ABBY:Um, what is this song called?
CAMERA PANS UPWARDS, LOOKING STRAIGHT DOWN ON THE SCENE BELOW, ELIZABETH'S BODY ON THE GURNEY, MARK SOBBING, AND MEMBERS OF STAFF BEATING UP ABBY WITH IV POLES.