Air rushed past me, the tiny particles brushing against my skin leaving a wonderfully cool sensation. The creaking of metal on metal is blissfully heard as I swung higher and higher, my legs pumping with each back swing, my attempt fueled by my insane notion to reach the heavens.
Iíve always liked the swings, especially the ones in this particular park. The No Name park I call it, simply because of the fact that I donít think it has a name. Since I was a child, I would sneak away from whatever was plaguing me at home and came here just to listen to the wind whistling in my ears and have my long, black hair billow around my face and whip into my eyes. Things had changed, though. My hair was not as long as it once was and it usually took more than a quick swing in my No Name park to clear my mind from whatever thoughts Iíd been having lately.
The higher I swing
the harder I fall.
Wind is just air
and itís all I feel.
One thing about visiting was that Iíd always come in the dark. I never even so much as drove or walked past here during daylights hours. I guess I love the solidarity and the cover the dark provides. It was a thick, warm blanket smoldering all the colours of light and lifting the many weird and wonderful shadows that couldnít be seen in the sun. I was never afraid of the dark as some children were. Dark was comfort, dark was where no one could see the real me, if I hid it well enough. Dark was when all the stars came out and I would have something to look at that wasnít either my school books or magazines. Dark was also the time when no one could be bothered with visiting this place. Most people, I assumed had a loving and kind family to go home to. I did too... but there was just those times when I just wanted to get away from it all.
I swung lower this time, without as much energy in my swings. I felt the deep earth beneath my feet as I began to descend, the pattern and pressure of the air changed and I took a deep breath of the fresh air surrounding me.
Thoughts that I had in my head for most of the began to resurface as I stopped the swinging motion. I sighed, wishing that I could just swing forever and ever and not have a thing in the world to worry about. However, I knew my problems were far from being over. Just when one disappeared, another would pop out of no where and I would be faced with the unwanted task of confronting them. My latest problem and reason for being here in the dark after not visiting for over a month was John.
The secrets I hide
are the secrets I keep close
to my heart
and will never let go.
I hadnít noticed it until lately. Little looks across the admin desk when I thought he wasnít watching, the way my face would flush everytime I saw him looking at me, the way I would see him every morning and imprint it into my special "John" file which only a mind like mine would allow a person to keep.
Sometimes in the middle of the night I would wake up from a bad dream or just no reason at all and would have the urge to call him. I never did... call him, that was. I was just too afraid what that one phone call would do to us. Whether I would make a total fool of myself or just end up hanging the phone and leaving him to think I was just another teen with nothing better to do than look through the phone book and waste money annoying other American citizens. Sometimes I thought that it just wasnít fair.
that canít be explained.
No matter how hard I try
these thoughts never stop
and I will never forget.
It was the little things that had counted... or so I had thought. Feelings grew and the ones I was having at the moment seemed to be growing into gigantic proportions. One small question, one little thing she wanted to tell him... it really wasnít so simple. Even Abby had been a great help in getting myself up to this moment. I knew he had feelings for her, but lately they seemed to be growing apart. I didnít know if that was meant to be a good thing or not.
In the dark I wait
my knight in shining armor
on his horse in the moonlight
I didnít have the courage to ask him right then and there; to just hear myself say the words sounded crazy to me. My only other choice was to meet me here, at this little No Name park at the swings. I had arrived early, with the hopes that I would stay here and not ditch him with a lame excuse to cover up my insecurities. Would he say yes? Was it all a joke? Was I the only one that was afraid to voice my one-sided attraction? I didnít know but hopefully I would soon, before my insides burst and I ran straight home only to lock myself in the bathroom and cry.
It was then that I realized that he had come up beside me as I was in my own world, staring at the stars and thinking deep thoughts. His presence was surprisingly calm and I could feel the blood rushing up my neck and face, my only hope of secrecy was the black of darkness and the many shades of night. He seemed to be watching me, his eyes slowly taking in my image as though he was the student and I was the object to be observed.
His hand reached forward and brushed away a lone tear. I didnít know I was crying. Electricity seemed to pump from his hand into my cheek, leaving my skin tingling and wishing for a more intimate touch.
"Deb, why are you crying?"
"Iím just glad you came."
And with that John sat on the swing beside me, his eyes still sweeping over my features like he would never see me again and I knew that every thing was going to be fine.
All is fixed
yet nothing was broken