Losing Control


AUTHOR: Riot
EMAIL: pink_smirff@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: JC/AL
RATING: PG 13
SPOILERS: Nun!
ARCHIVE: Have a blast! Just notify my first! Or not, could care less!
DISCLAIMER: I am not a part of any plan to steal the characters of ER. All I have is a noisy cat and a deck of cards missing the king of spades! Please dont sue!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: My first public fanfic! FEEDBACK! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!
SUMMARY: Abby ran..... and Carter doesn't chase after her. But he is summoned to help her. And sparks fly!



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Losing Control

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(Seattle, Washington)

Abby sighed as she looked out the window. The police still hadn't cleared out. That was the bad part about living in a bad neighborhood. Too many gun fights and car accidents. She grabbed her pillow and held the phone in her hand and played with the cord. She looked at the bedroom and she silently wished she had enough will power to kill herself. How come she couldn't but her mother could? Maggie killed herself in her own daughters bedroom. Abby sighed and picked up the phone. She was wrapped in a blanket and she sat at her bay window, candles lit and pizza was getting colder beside her. It was raining out and it hadn't let up for an hour. All the lights were off in her cold apartment and her cat was curled up at her feet. It all seemed too perfect. Too much like that one day where everything was perfect. Abby shook her head and silently scolded herself. She can't think about things like that. That was a mistake. But she realized she couldn't stop thinking about it. She quietly got up and opened the old desk drawer and pulled out a diamond ring. She put it on her left ring finger and stared at it. She closed the drawer and walked back to the window. Sometimes old memories were good but in her world old memories meant old wounds relived. She wrapped herself back up in the blanket. She tucked her knees close to her body and let the tears fall onto her pink silk pajama top and bottoms. If only she hadn't been stupid, if only she hadn't been so bigheaded, if only she hadn't been so scared. She twirled the ring around on her finger and then she ripped it off her finger, screamed, chucked it across the room and broke down into sobs. Then she quickly rushed across the room and picked up the ring and let the tears drop onto it. She walked back over to the desk and placed the ring back inside the drawer and stared at it for a few minutes before she closed the drawer. She finally grabbed the pill bottle and popped open the lid. She swallowed the pills and before she went to sleep she pulled the ring out again and placed it on her finger.

*

(Chicago, Illinois)

Carter fished a chart out from underneath his patients bed. Sometimes he wished he had run away too. She could do it, why couldn't he? He placed the chart back into the patients rack and walked out of the room. It wasn't until he saw Susan's face he realized something was wrong. Everyone who was at admit had a somber face.

"What's up?" he asked.

"It's Abby...." she whispered. Carter stared at her and shook his head.

"Abby? What about her? Is she back? What?"

"She phoned...." Susan couldn't finish because tears had taken over. Kerry touched his shoulder.

"John..... she attempted suicide. She phoned and- and she asked to speak to you but you were busy..... Randi couldn't recognize her voice.... but then about half an hour later we got a phone call for Susan..... Abby had put her down as an emergency contact..... You and Susan....."

"Is she okay?" asked Carter. He was in too much shock to ask anything else.

"She wants to see you. You and Susan. The doctors in Seattle are begging you two to come.... Carol was the one who called and she offered you two a place to stay while you're there-"

"Wait a minute! Who says I want to go? She walked out on me Kerry! Shouldn't I have the option of whether or not I want to go?"

"It's in their patients best interest." said Kerry, "We already got the plane tickets. You leave tonight."

"Kerry!" he protested.

"Either that or you don't have a job at County anymore."

*

Carter sighed as he tried to get comfortable in his seat. He dreaded arriving in Seattle. So he tried every technique to make the trip last longer. But when he did that he started to think. To think about her, where it had started and where it had ended. Finally Susan turned to him.

"What happened? What really happened?" she asked. She had been dying to ask this question ever since Abby left.

"I wouldn't know where to start. It lasted forever it seems."

"Well starting from the beginning usually works." she cracked.

"We were happy Susan.... you saw us. I was head over heels and I know this sounds conceited but I know she was in love with me. Happy, love, marriage, kids. That was our plan. But I think when the actual thought of marriage came she got afraid. We were sitting in her apartment, beside the window, it was raining, our kind of day and we were curled up in a blanket together when I took her hand and placed the ring on it. We had decided not to tell anyone for a little while and then one day she just came home and said she couldn't marry me."

"You two were engaged?"

"For two weeks. But she came home after work and she handed the ring back to me and said she couldn't marry me. I threw the ring on the floor and I think it rolled into a vent..... but I didn't care. We argued for over an hour when she finally stormed out of the apartment angrily. We had both been crying. She never gave me a reason to why she changed her mind but I think it was just fear.... if I hadn't argued she probably would have come back the next day and apologize and give me a reason. But I was a stubborn ass and when she left that day it was the last day I ever saw her again."

"Until now."

"Why do you think she got them to call us? Why would we still be her emergency contacts?"

"She loved you Carter. I was her best friend Carter, she told me things she probably had never told anyone in her life and she was head over heels, killing me softly, never wanna let you go, in love with you. That sort of thing never ever dies. To live in life comes the things we want most. But with that also comes the things that will destroy us."

"That was the most philosophical thing you have ever said Susan."

"I thank you. Um, Carter..... Carol told me something you should know. I didn't tell Kerry but you should know Abby had a child about two months ago."

"Two months? That's almost a year ago- when she left- Susan- are you saying that I'm a father?"

"Was. You had a daughter. She was two months, three weeks old. Her name was Lucy Millicent Carter. But she died Carter. There were complications in birth."

"Lucy Millicent Carter...." Carter was close to tears, "So she's dead?"

"Yes. Carol figured it was you."

"Someone's got an IQ higher than a mushroom! Considering she named the kid after Lucy and my grandmother and she has my last name!"

"Carter, I'm sorry that this happened. But I thought you would like to know."

"I don't like this Susan. I don't like this at all. Finding out the love of your life committed suicide and that you had a daughter who you never met and she died? Would you like that? I don't think so."

"So you wish I had never told you? Do you wish that Abby had successfully killed herself and that she was out of your life forever? Face it Carter! You would do anything to see Abigail Lockhart again. You're just to fucking proud to admit it." Carter opened his mouth to respond but then the intercom came on.

"Would passengers please fasten their seat belts? We are landing in Seattle now."

*



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