My Susan

AUTHOR: Celina
SPOILERS: Union Station and all the episodes with Mark and Susan's history
ARCHIVE: Go for it!
DISCLAIMER: I wish they were mine, but they're not, so....don't sue me!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is different from any other fic I've written so far. It's told from the character's point of view! I'd love to hear your opinion!
SUMMARY: Years after Union Station, Mark reflects about his life with Susan and his feelings regarding their relationship.

"This morning I heard her name. And somehow it made something awake inside, like a need to see her again. So, without analyzing it through, I went over my old boxes of books, papers and pictures. In the bottom of a little one, rested her photograph, with her smiling face, looking at me, and at that moment I felt time had never passed. In a split second my mind was overloaded with her memories or may I say our memories... Could it have been so long ago?! Seems like an etenity though. Yes, I can say I’m lucky, now I can say that, ‘cause I met her. Of all the people in the world I got the chance to see her and to understand her beautiful eyes. What I felt for her, I could never felt for anyone else then. Yes, I have loved before, and there were women who loved me back, but nothing so strong and fiery like it was with her. My love, my girl. Why did she have to leave me?

She was everything I have ever wanted, she was perfect. She was the only one that ever heard the words "I love you" from me with so much truthfulness and with all my heart. Although I was never able to tell her that when she could give me a response. I waited until the last moment, until she was leaving, until I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

Everytime I got close to her, I would do something stupid, I would repress my feelings and pretend nothing was going on. They say there’s a thin line between love and hate and I could prove it myself, because at the same time I loved her deeply, I hated my guts for being so stupid, so afraid.

So I kept going, lying to myself and to her, petrified to make some move, petrified to change our relationship. I thought it would better for us just to stick to friendship, the way it had been for so many years, since I didn’t know if she felt the same. I played the best friend, loyal, gentle, always supporting her, telling my heart that it was for that best. But every single time I looked at her, oh, those trusting astounding eyes, I would just lost myself and fall in love with her all over again. I tried to get my mind off of her, but my unrequited feelings were driving me crazy inside. Suddenly it was like nothing before of after her made any sense. And it hurted to see her everyday, and that smile, that voice, and not tell her. I’ve foolishly conviced myself that she would never bear what I felt for her. I was afraid to tell and be rejected, afraid of losing our treasured platonic friendship, afraid of losing her. I only realized that I was wrong when she vanished with that train out of my life. I can still recall the statement on her sweet face, the look of surprise upon her eyes, the hesitation in her words and the bitter-sweet smile that rose over her lips when she waved goodbye to me. I loved her from the moment I met her, and I love her still. Although now I know how to live with this... now it doesn’t hurt anymore. She is gone, and she has been gone for so long that it’s hard to go back to those days. I spent the best time of my life by her side, and that’s how I’ll remember her always. From the very first day she stepped in the ER, until the last moment I saw her, she was always by my side. And I thank her for making me so happy, for making me feel alive with a simple word or with the most ordinary action. She did more for me than she could ever imagine. And she still does, ‘cause when I think of something real, of something pure, I think of what we used to have and all we went through. She was my best friend, and even though we never really shared something beyond that, she will always be in my heart as the one that I most cared about, the one that I really loved, the one that I could give my life for...beautiful as an angel, she set me at ease, and with a quick glance, she would give me strenght and faith. She was all this and more, she was my ground, my star in the sky, shining down at me, setting a spell right through my heart. As days passed I missed her more, until I ran out of tears. Until I realized that if I really loved her, I’d be happy just to know that she was happy, no matter where she was. Because miles and miles could never make my love fade away, and nothing would keep her apart from me. I’ll always be with her, and somehow I know she will always be with me. And I hope that someone can make her happy the way she made me, she deserves it.

And our story will stay untouched, secretly preserved inside of us, just us. Wherever she might be now, I know that sometimes, when she’s alone, her mind drifts back to an old-time friend, and she smiles. Yeah, she smiles, just like I do, and when she goes through her old boxes, she must find something to remember me.

I love her smile, I love her goofy way to play with her hair, and the way she used to bit her lower lip whenever she felt anxious. Perfection could never be compared to her: my loyal friend, my support, my reason to laugh. Interwined, our lives go now on separate ways... but she will always be my love, my girl. Her name? Susan Lewis."

Mark Greene,

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