September 14, 2004

"I heard the strangest thing today." Luka comments as he watches me feeding Magda.

"What’s that?" I ask him as I wash Magda’s face.

"Susan and Carter separated."

I freeze for half a second before regaining my composure. "Yes, I heard a few days ago." I take Magda in my arms. "Why do you think it’s strange?"

"Well I didn’t expect it. Did you?"

"Um, he never talked much about Susan to me."

Luka raised his eyebrows. "Then what did you talk about?"

"I don’t know…just…" I sigh. "Let’s not talk about him, okay?"

"Mommy, pik bunny!" Magda throws her hands out in the air, pointing to the pink stuffed animal lying on the sofa.

Luka goes to get the bunny and hands it to Magda with a small kiss on her nose. "There you go sweetie." Magda squeals in happiness. He then turns to me. "I just think it’s sad that they separated so soon. I never saw it coming."

"Mommy, play wit me." I walk to the living room, Luka following me. I sit her down on the floor and sit next to her. She gives me a few blocks to play with.

"We don’t know what’s going on in other people’s home, Luka."

He sits down, pensive. "I know, it’s just odd that’s all."

Why is he so insistent about this? What’s bothering him? Does he know? Does he suspect? Maybe he heard Chuny gossip and he doesn’t know how to bring the subject up. Would that be a way he would react? I wish I could stop worrying like this. I wish I didn’t feel this guilty all the time. It’s over with Carter. I have to move on with my life. I just have to.

~o~

September 16, 2004

When I walk in to Doc Magoo’s, I immediately notice Abby, sitting in a booth with only a cup of coffee and a cigarette as company. I debate whether I should go and say hello or not. Coward that I am, I choose the latter option. I don’t think there’s much to say anyway. I sit down at the counter and order a burger. I take a book out and try to read. I’m not doing very well since all I think about is Abby. She haunts my every thought.

And we don’t have anything anymore. It’s back to square one. Back to when Abby married Luka. She’s married to Luka, and I’m alone. I want to be with her but I can’t. This time, however, I don’t have Susan to turn to because she left me. Not that she didn’t have all the reasons in the world to. Was all the hurt and heartache worth it? We’ve hurt Susan and ourselves and if Magda or Luka ever find out, we’ve hurt them to. We’ve hurt so many people. Was being with each other for more or less a month worth it? If I could have convinced her to leave Luka and be with me, I would have said yes, but now…I can’t help but remember Susan’s broken voice when I told her. She’s been so great and I’ve betrayed her. And no matter how guilty and horrible I feel about all this, I’d do everything, even hurt Susan again, to have Abby back in my arms. What kind of man does that make me?

Without thinking about it, I glance at Abby. Unfortunately, she has been staring at me for god knows how long and we make eye contact. It seems trivial to avoid her now. I sigh and signal to the waitress behind the counter. When she walks up to me, I ask her, "Could you please bring my cheeseburger to this table right there?" I indicate the booth where Abby is sitting.

"Sure," she smiles.

I gather my coat and book and walk to Abby. She smiles awkwardly as I sit down across from her. "You’re off?" she asks me.

"Yeah. You?"

"No. Taking a well deserved 30 minute break. I’ve been slaving myself for the last seven hours without even a five minute break."

I snort. "Pretty hectic out there huh?"

"Hectic is an understatement," she replies.

"Here’s your burger." The waitress tells me as she sets down a plate on the table for me. She looks at Abby. "Would you like anything?"

Abby smiles politely. "No thank you." And the waitress leaves. Abby takes a sip of her coffee and drags her cigarette in and then out of her mouth. She sees my book and takes it in her hand. "Prozac Nation huh?" She chuckles. "Depressed?"

"Maybe." I shrug. "I have a lot of time in my hands."

She looks down, guiltily. "I’m really –"

"Don’t!" I interrupt her. "Don’t say you’re sorry. I really don’t want to hear that right now." So I’m bitter. Can anyone blame me? I’ve just lost the woman I love and there’s no way for me to ever get her back. How am I supposed to feel? And for her to say that she’s sorry that another relationship I had ended is ludicrous. Especially that this relationship ended because of her. Everything in my life revolves around her. I can’t imagine a world without her. And no matter how many times I think about this, nothing will change, she’ll still be married to Luka and she’ll still have a child with him, and she’ll never want to be with me again.

"Don’t look at me like that," she says dragging me out of my thoughts.

"How do I look at you?"

"As if I don’t understand your hurt. As if I don’t feel it too."

"I’m not sure you do. If you did, you’d leave him." We always come down to the same thing over and over. Abby Lockhart and John Carter, masters of the vicious circle.

She squashes her cigarette in the ashtray. "It’s not that simple." She gets up and puts her coat on. "I love you, Carter. Nothing will ever change that. But I have other responsibilities. It doesn’t mean that I hurt any less." And she walks away.

How many times have we walked away from one another?

~o~

On my way out of Magoo’s, I almost bump into someone. I look up and see my husband. "Hey." I force myself to smile. "How long have you been there?"

He opens the door for me and we walk out of the restaurant. "Not long. I saw you talking with Carter and I didn’t want to interrupt."

"Oh, you wouldn’t have interrupted anything," I say as nonchalantly as I can manage.

"Well maybe not from your point of view but from his, I might have."

I look at him, surprised. What’s on his mind now? "What are you talking about?"

He smiles. "I think your little friend Carter might have his eye on you again. Better watch out."

"Carter doesn’t have any interest in me. He just separated from his wife for God’s sake!" Oh God, what am I getting into? It’s going to bite you in the ass Abby, it’s going to bite you in the ass.

"Just the way he looks at you. His attitude. I think he’s interested in you."

I scowl. "Well you’re wrong."

~o~

September 17, 2004

"Carter, the guy in curtain three is in a whole lot of pain. He’s asking for you." Luka tells me as he enters the lounge.

I throw away my empty cup of coffee and turn to Luka. "Can’t you take care of him? I’m off."

He shakes his head, an amused smile on his face. "Nah. He only wants you. I think he’s gay." He lets out a chuckle and I let out a groan.

"Great. Just what I needed," I answer sarcastically. I open my locker and put my coat on. "Weaver can take care of him. I’m off," I add moodily.

Luka clears his throat and approaches me. I feel like running away. He looks morbid. "I’m sorry about you and Susan."

I smile awkwardly. I’m not sure what to say. I don’t think there is even something to see in this situation. Talk about being completely screwed up. Luka gives me the same awkward smile I gave him and whirls around walking toward the door. "Don’t be sorry. I had it coming," I tell him as he opens it.

He stops in his track, letting the door close again. I wait silently, expecting a comment or something but he remains silent. We both stand there for several moments, as if time stood still. Finally, he sighs and without looking back, he says, "Abby’s not available. She’s taken. You can’t have her."

What? Who the hell does he think he is? Okay, Abby’s husband, but still. He shouldn’t assume things like that. Okay, so something actually happened, but still. He doesn’t know that. Maybe it’s time he should know. "I’ve already had her." I shot back as the door closes behind him. I’m not even sure he heard me. When he doesn’t come back after a while, I know he didn’t. Oh well, Abby would have had strangled me for it. But it would have been nice to have this huge secret out in the open once and for all.

~o~