"When did Carter have you?" Luka asks before he even takes off his coat.

I take Magda into my arms and walk to the door, where Luka is still standing. "What are you talking about?"

"About a hour ago, Carter distinctively told me that he, and I quote, ‘had already had you’. What’s that about?"

Did I really think I could have hidden it forever? Was I really that stupid? My lover, my husband, and I all work at the same hospital, same department; could I have been stupid enough to actually believe that Luka would have never found out? Yes, I’ve been that stupid. "I’m not sure what he was talking about either." I’m lying through my teeth. Can he tell? I look into his eyes. Oh yeah, he can tell.

"Don’t give me crap, Abby." He says, almost groaning.

I close my eyes. Can’t I just wish everything away? Everything is so messed up. I don’t understand anything anymore. I don’t understand my great need for alcohol, I don’t understand why I went to Luka instead of Carter, I don’t understand why I didn’t use protection and got myself pregnant, I don’t understand why I married Luka, I don’t understand why I had an affair with Carter, I don’t understand why it ended, and I don’t understand why I never told Luka. I just don’t understand.

"Answer me Abby!" He’s shouting, his face beet red. "Did you sleep with Carter or not?"

I let my eyes wander around the room before they settle back on him. "Luka…" I trail off.

"Abby, tell me." He says in an even tone. "Did you, or did you not sleep with Carter?" He nearly shouts the last few words.

"Yes! All right? Yes, I slept with him!"

"When did you sleep with him?"

I walk to the living room, fleeing his questioning. I sit Magda on the couch as she starts to fret. She’s never seen us fight and it’s probably extremely unsettling for her.

"Tell me when, Abby!" He’s shouting again.

"I’m not sure. I can’t pinpoint the exact dates! And stop shouting, you’re scaring Magda." I shoot back, but I still make sure that I keep my voice in an almost neutral speaking level. Magda takes my fingers in hers and dances with them.

"So, you did have an affair with him?" His voice has lowered now; his tone defeated.

A tear rolls down my cheek as I watch Magda’s tiny hands holding mine. I’ve broken my family. "Yes," I whisper, barely audible.

Luka doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. He just stands there, watching Magda. I glance between Magda and him, not sure what I’m supposed to do or say. After a few moments, he leaves the living room. I want to follow him, make him talk to me, but I’m too afraid so I just sit there, on the floor with Magda playing with my hands, who’s not exactly aware of what is going on, but at the same time grasping that something’s wrong. I see it in her eyes.

After a while, Luka comes back to the living room, overnight bag in hand. "I can’t stay here with you. I need some time. I’m not sure where I’m going to stay, but as soon as I’m settled, I’ll call you," he explains.

I nod, not knowing what to say. He nods back and walks to the couch. He kneels down and smiles at Magda. "I’m going to go for a little while sweetheart, but I’ll come back to see you tomorrow, okay?" She nods and he kisses the tip of her nose. "I love you, sweetie."

"Love you too, Daddy."

~o~

September 19, 2004

Abby called in sick yesterday and Luka has taken a leave. I’ve been observing her all morning. I’m now positive that Luka heard me and then they had a fight because he knows. And I’m one lucky son-of-a-bitch that he hasn’t actually tried to kill me, or at least shake me up a little. Well it’s only a matter of time because if he doesn’t kill me, she will. Not that I don’t deserve it. I shouldn’t have told Luka. It wasn’t my place to butt in. But I did. I don’t know how much damage I’ve done but from the look on Abby’s face, it wasn’t pretty.

Oh oh, she’s heading this way. She gives me a tight fake smile. "Dr. Carter, could I speak to you for a moment?" Should I dodge it? Should I pretend I’m too busy and put off the inevitable ass-kicking? From the way she’s looking at me, I don’t think I should.

"Sure. Exam 3 is empty." I try to keep my voice as cool as possible.

She walks to Exam 3, not even bothering to turn on the lights. I follow her in, leaving the lights off, I really don’t want to see her face right now, and close the door behind us.

As soon as the door is closed, Abby lashes out. "You have no respect for me or what I want! How many times have I told you that I didn’t want Luka to know? But you kept pushing and pushing and pushing, but I still resisted. So what did you do? You tell him yourself! Now my life is a mess because of you!" She’s yelling so loud that I wonder why I even bothered to close the door.

"Your life was already a mess," I tell her calmly. Not that I don’t believe that everything she said is true. I know it is. I was definitely wrong to say anything to Luka on her behalf. But it’s not going to take away the fact that I believe her life will be better than the lie she was living. "I’ve caused you some grief that you weren’t prepared to receive and I’m really sorry for that Abby, but think how you are free from all the lies now. Think about it. There’ll be a day when you’ll stop feeling guilty all the time, there’ll be a day when you’ll be truly and sincerely happy."

Abby swallows hard and says as calmly as she can manage, "Luka could take my daughter away from me at any time. It would be that easy. Who would give child custody to a cheating alcoholic wife?"

I close my eyes and open them again. "Luka wouldn’t take Magda away, you know that." I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince more, her or myself.

She swallows hard. "No, I don’t know that and neither do you. If he takes her away from me, I’ll never forgive you Carter. Never." There are unshed tears in her eyes and I’m the one who put them there. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself either, but I have to believe that Luka wouldn’t do that to Abby or Magda. They need each other and no matter how much Abby has hurt him, they don’t deserve to be separated.

Abby snorts. "Whatever." She walks around me and open the door. Without turning around, she says, "Don’t expect a call from me anytime soon."

I’m screwed.

~o~

End of Part 19