July 6, 2002

I am exhausted. Magda has decided to make my last few days as a single mom a complete nightmare. She's been restless, keeping me up all night with her constant crying. I think she misses her father.

"Miss Lockhart!" A stern voice brings me back to reality. I turn around, ready to face Weaver, but instead I am greeted with a smiling Susan Lewis…er…Carter. "I think you're in need of a nice coffee break at Magoo's with a lovely friend such as myself." I smile. I start to protest a little because I should not take a break since I took one not two hours ago, but Susan cuts me off. "No buts. Doctor's orders."

When we're relatively comfortable sitting at Magoo's I can't help notice how beautiful Susan is today. A soft smile is permanently set on her lips, her cheeks are rosy, and her eyes sparkle more than stars. I know that kind of beauty. It's the maternal beauty. "When are you going to get your niece?"

Her smile widens. "In about two months. Suzie is a doll. I can't wait."

"Are you staying in Phoenix long?"

"A few days. I want to see some old friends."

"Cowboy friends?" I ask, laughing, and realizing a little too late what I had just said.

"You mean the cowboy guy I've told you about?" She asks. She doesn't seem angry that I've brought this up, but she doesn't seem particularly happy about it either. I guess her cowboy guy will never be the type of ex-boyfriend that you look back and think of fond memories with him.

"I didn't necessarily mean him." I feel awkward. I've obviously opened an old wound. I'm so careless sometimes.

"Don't feel bad." Susan has always been so astute concerning people's feelings. "I never really told you about him, did I?" I shake my head. She made it clear a long time ago that the cowboy guy was not her favorite topic of conversation. She gives me a small, awkward smile but her eyes are sad. She takes a deep breath. "There's not much to tell. I was in love with him. Head over heels. We were supposed to get married. I thought I couldn't be happier." She pauses.

"What happened?"

She sighs. "I got off early at work one day and I found him humping a little redhead when I got home."

My eyes widen. "He cheated on you?"

She nods. "For six months. Can you believe it? Six entire months." Her eyes are on the table. The memory seems really painful. How horrible it must have been for her. "After that, I decided to move back here. I wanted to get away." I nod, understanding. I know that feeling. "That's why I married Carter you know," she says softly.

This takes me by surprise. "What?" I ask, confused.

"He's safe. Carter would never cheat on me. I trust him completely. I know he wouldn't hurt me that way."

I want to die right now.

"It's nice to feel safe," she adds. "I'm so over the dangerous guy who sweeps you off your feet and rides you off into the sunset on his motorcycle."

I chuckle. "I don't think I ever was into that kind of guy."

"I never thought you were considering you like the Howies of this world."

I laugh. "What about your Floyd?"

"Floyd had a motorcycle."

"You're kidding? A Floyd on a motorcycle?"

She shakes her head. "No joke. A Harley."

"Did he steal it?"

"You are impossible. You have no faith in people whatsoever. He did not steal it. He had a part-time job at a gas station. Took him two years to save for it."

"How old was he?"

"Seventeen. I thought he was the love of my life."

I smile. I remember those days when everything seemed like it was the moment of your life. A milestone. "How did it end?"

"He met a leggy blonde when he went to college."

"That sucks." Why is this always happening to Susan? That woman is amazing. She's funny and understanding. Why the hell can't she hold onto a guy? Oh yeah, one of her friends sneaks behind her back and sleeps with her husband. That's why.

"Oh well. I got over it. Look at me now. I have a nice job, I have a good husband, and soon I'm going to have my niece living with us. Things are going very well." She smiles at me.

One very happy smile.

Did I mention how I wanted to die?

~o~

"Make me forget," Abby whispers to me as I lay her down on the bed.

"Forget what?"

"Everything."

My answer is a kiss.

~o~

"You're beautiful."

I chuckle. I can't help it. He tells me I'm beautiful as if I'm goddamn Nicole Kidman for Christ's sake. "I'm not that beautiful."

"I don't think you could be more beautiful if you tried." And he looks at me as if I'm made of gold. It takes my breath away.

"Show me."

And he does.

~o~

I'm once again leaving Abby asleep in a bed we've shared for a few precious hours. How many times have I done this? Two, three times if you count tonight. It feels like I've done it more often than this. It feels like I've done it dozens of times. It's so hard. Every time feels like my heart is tearing apart. Argh, what am I? The hero of a romance novel? All I seem to do these days is whine and whine, and then whine some more. I wish I didn't whine. I wish I didn't have a reason to. I just wish I could be with Abby all the time, without sneaking around, without betraying the people we love. But it's too late. I already screwed everything up.

I lean down and kiss Abby softly on the cheek. She grunts in reply, deep in her sleep. "Bye," I whisper in her ear. She grunts again. That's my Abby. I glance at the clock and I quickly step out of the hotel room. Susan is supposed to be home in twenty minutes. I better be fast.

Going much above the speed limit, I manage to reach our apartment in seventeen minutes and find the place empty. I quickly change into my sleeping boxers and shirt and sit on the couch, waiting for my wife to arrive. I don't have to wait long, not a minute later, she walks through the door. She smiles when she sees me.

"Hi. I didn't expect you to wait up for me." She sits next to me, sighing loudly. Her hair is messy and all the usual color on her cheeks is gone.

"I worry when you work so much," I simply tell her.

She shrugs. "I did worse before."

"Still. We should do something this weekend. Maybe rent a movie and order pizza. Something really simple but something that would relax you."

She leans closer to me, snuggling her head against my arm. "That would be very nice. It's been a while since we've had some quite time together." She pauses a few seconds. "You've been sort of restless these days." She looks at me. "Something bothering you?"

And here I lie for the 2348th time this month. "No. Nothing really. Just anxious to have Suzie around." Lies just flow out of my mouth. It's like a second nature for me. I'm really starting to despise myself.

"Are you sure you're okay with Suzie coming here."

I kiss her forehead and rub her arm affectionately. "I am positive. It'll be really nice to have your niece here. She'll prevent us from getting old and grumpy."

She frowns slightly. "I hope she'll like it here."

Susan's always true to herself. Thinking of other's feelings all the time. "With you around? I have no doubt."

She smiles gratefully at me. "You're the best. You know that?"

If she only knew.

~o~