Promises Broken




Beth lay in bed, staring at the ceiling of John's bedroom. She hadn't had much sleep, but then that wasn't unusual lately. She hated to sleep, because that was when the nightmares would come. Of course, during the day she sometimes had flashbacks. She wasn't sure which was worse. She was grateful, though, that the nightmares and flashbacks had abated a little.

Beth had taken an emergency leave of absence from work for an indefinite period of time. She loved her job as a Public Relations Coordinator, but it was time consuming and demanding. She didn't think she could handle the stressful demands of promoting a world class business such as the Lowell Theater Group. So she had put her competent staff in charge, and was staying away. They were all concerned about her long absence, and called once a week to check on her. Beth was too ashamed to tell anyone what had happened. She just said that there had been a personal emergency and she'd be back eventually.

Beth could hear John rustling around in his kitchen, and decided she had better get up. She had just swung her legs over the side of the bed when John entered the room, carrying a tray in his hands. "Good morning, beautiful," he said, walking over to her.

"Good morning," Beth said. "What's this?"

John smiled, "Breakfast in bed. I know I'm not much of a cook, but breakfast I can do."

Beth smiled at her fiancee, touched that he would do this for her. Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought about how good John was to her. She bowed her head to say a prayer before eating, and also to keep John from seeing her tears. She felt she didn't deserve his love, and was constantly trying to think of a way to let him out of the engagement.

John had seen the tears in her eyes before she lowered her head, and he was concerned. He felt like there was something she wasn't telling him, and had felt that way ever since the rape. The rape. Just the thought of the rape made him feel sick. He knew it wasn't Beth's fault in any way. He was just sickened that there were people out there who seemed to enjoy inflicting this kind of pain on people. He had seen many rape victims come through the ER, and he had felt bad for them every time. He particularly remembered the elderly women that had come through a few years back, the word "whore" etched across their stomachs. It had never happened to anyone he loved, though, to his knowledge. Knowing the survivor made it particularly difficult.

She finished her prayer and lifted her head. Beth began to eat the scrambled eggs and wheat toast that John had prepared for her. The tears were still in her eyes, so she made a show of looking at a picture on John's nightstand. It was of the two of them at the top of the massive St. Louis Arch. John had been leaning against the ledge under the windows. Beth was leaning back against him, with his arms around her waist. They were both smiling, looking very much in love and very happy. It was Beth's favorite picture of the two of them.

Finally, her efforts at controlling her tears failed, and she put her fork down. Placing her face in her hands, she gave into the tears, sobbing at the thought of losing John. Beth felt the tray lift from her lap as John moved it to the floor, then he sat down beside her on the bed and pulled her into his embrace. She stiffened and jerked back. John looked at her, first surprised, then remorseful. "I'm sorry, Hon," he said, mentally kicking himself for scaring her.

"No, it's not you," Beth said, the tears still pouring down her cheeks.

"What is it then?" he asked, confused.

Beth once more got out of the bed and then walked over to the window. Looking out, not really seeing the people and objects on the street below, Beth wondered how to tell John that he didn't need to stay with her. She couldn't decide, so she turned around and looked at him sadly.

"John," she said, "I'm letting you out of the engagement --"

"What?!"

Beth held up her hands, "Wait! Let me finish." John stared at her, dumbfounded. Beth took a deep breath, and then continued. "John, I'm sorry, but I am only doing this for your own good. You deserve someone who can make you happy and proud. You deserve someone clean, not --" Beth stopped, then lowering her voice to a whisper, continued, "-- not someone who is trash, dirty, like me." With this final word, she turned back toward the window and let the tears fall freely. She didn't care if he saw her cry now.

John felt the tears gather in his own eyes as the initial shock of her outburst wore off. He called her name softly, but she didn't answer him. He stood up and walked over to her, calling her name again. "What?" she asked, her sobs quieting a little.

He placed his hands on her shoulders, and turned her toward him. Beth refused to look up at John, so he sighed and started talking anyway. "Beth," he said, "I want you to understand something. I love you very, very much. I love you more than life itself, and I would do anything for you! You are *not* trash! Please don't call yourself such awful things!"

Beth looked up at him then, her eyes blazing. "What do you mean?" she yelled. "I *am* trash! I let that ass hole into my apartment. I *believed* him! It is my fault. I should have fought harder! I should have screamed louder!"

Beth's breathing came a little faster the more upset she grew. "Sweetheart," John said, distressed, "it is *not* your fault! There was nothing you could have done. He was bigger than you and physically stronger than you!"

"If it wasn't my fault then why did some of it feel good?!" she screamed at him. "I should have made him kill me! If he had, I wouldn't be living this hell!"

Her breathing had become so rapid by this time that she began hyperventilating. Her inability to take in a full, deep breath increased her anxiety. Her feet grew numb and she would have fallen had John not caught her. Her lips and hands began feeling numb as well. John lay her carefully on the bed and told her to take a breath and hold it for a few seconds, then slowly let it out. He had her repeat this step several times until her breathing had slowed back to a normal rate, and she was calmed down.

The young doctor covered his fiancee with the blankets on his bed. He continued to sit next to her, stroking her cheek with his fingers. He told her how much he loved her, and how much she meant to him. She stared at him, transfixed by the care this loving man was showing her. When he told her that he didn't want to be let out of the engagement, silent tears began pouring from her eyes. John wiped them away with his fingers.

As she stopped crying, he softly asked her how she felt. Beth whispered that she was okay, and John asked if she felt up to talking for a minute. She told him she did, and he began to speak. "Beth, I want you to know that there was absolutely nothing wrong with you feeling pleasure that night. Our bodies are made that way. It is an involuntary response our bodies make. It has nothing to do with the way you felt in your heart and mind about the horrible things Ben was doing to you. Do you believe me?"

Beth thought about what he had said. It made sense to her head, but her heart just couldn't believe it. Beth didn't want him to worry about her more than he already was. So, she nodded her head then quietly told him she did believe him. She did know that he loved her, and that comforted her a little. Eventually, she drifted off to sleep, feeling secure, knowing that John was there and would take care of her.

************

Beth hadn't been able to bring herself to go back to her apartment for any reason. Nicole went once a week with Dave to pick up things the two young women needed. Ben Mashburn, the man who had attacked Beth, had not yet been found. Nicole was very grateful to have Dave go with her.

A month after Beth had tried to break off the engagement, she and Nicole decided it was time to find themselves a new apartment. Nicole had gone to stay with Dave and Beth had stayed at John's. She slept in his bed while he slept on the couch. However, the two best friends missed each other, and Beth wanted to get back to her life. They had already put the wedding off until an indefinite date. Beth was tired of having to change everything around. She was tired of being scared. So, she and Nicole had set out to find an apartment.

They had found a beautiful apartment a few blocks away from John's for a surprisingly affordable price. They signed the lease, and arranged a day to move. Nicole asked Beth if she wanted to hire a moving company to get all of their stuff so that Beth wouldn't need to go back to the apartment. Beth thought about it for only a few moments. Then, deciding that she wasn't going to let what had happened to her rule her life anymore, Beth surprised them all by saying she would do her own packing. No one could persuade her otherwise.

She was still having nightmares and flashbacks, but they weren't every day anymore. She also still felt somewhat dirty, and as if the rape had somehow been her fault. However, with the love and support she received from her fiancee and friends, she was having more and more good days.

One beautiful Saturday morning, the four friends arrived at the old apartment to begin getting things packed for the move. The two roommates had rented a moving van to transport their furniture and boxes to the new apartment. John and Beth drove the van while Nicole and Dave came in Nicole's car.

Beth was feeling anxious at the thought of going back into the apartment. She knew that she needed to, though. Knowing that Ben Mashburn hadn't been found yet increased her anxiety level. She knew she'd be safe, though, with John, Nicole, and Dave there. "Are you ready?" John asked, squeezing her hand.

Beth nodded her head and said, "As ready as I'll ever be, I guess." She mustered up a smile for the sake of her friends, and the four walked toward the building, all carrying moving boxes. Nicole and Dave went up first followed by Beth then John.

Walking through the open doorway, she suddenly froze. She felt her mind drifting back to the rape, able to actually smell Ben's cologne. She felt nauseous. Beth tried to remind herself that she was safe, and that she wasn't alone. This reminder didn't work, though, as the memory grew stronger. She dropped the boxes she was carrying and raised her hands in order to shield herself. She begged Ben to stop, to please not hurt her. He wouldn't listen, but she kept begging.

"Please, no, don't do this to me," she screamed. "NO!"

His hands were all over her, going places they shouldn't be going. She saw him enter her again, and continued pleading with him to stop. Suddenly, it was over.

She found herself again in John's arms, her tears flowing, the way she had found herself many times over the past several weeks after nightmares and flashbacks. This had been the worst one yet! She was shaking so hard she thought she'd never stop. Wrapping her arms around John, she soaked the front of his shirt with her tears. He held her close, stroking her back gently, whispering words of love and comfort. His heart was still beating wildly from the scare he had gotten when she had collapsed on the floor, screaming. He closed his eyes, trying to stop his own tears. He knew he needed to be strong for Beth, and he felt that if he cried, that it would only upset her more.

Nicole and Dave had been in the living room putting down their own boxes. They ran back to the entry way, scared, when they heard Beth's heart-wrenching scream. Seeing her best friend on the floor, in utter distress, was finally too much for Nicole. She had remained strong this whole time, but she couldn't hide her fear and anguish anymore. She broke down in Dave's arms, sobbing. He, too, wrapped his arms around his love, holding her tight. He led her back to the living room, sitting down on the couch with her.

Beth's tears slowed, eventually stopping. John continued to hold her for a few more minutes, then she got up. John stood with her, and they walked to the living room. Nicole was still in Dave's arms, but she had stopped crying, too. When Beth and John walked into the room, Nicole smiled, once again trying to be strong. Beth knew her friend too well, though, and could tell that she, too, had been crying. Beth felt guilty for being the cause of her friend's pain.

Beth started to apologize to Nicole and Dave. Nicole stopped her and said, "No, Beth, don't apologize. You couldn't help it. I'm just so worried about you, and I wish I could help in some way."

Nicole then hugged her friend and said, "You *will* be okay, I know it! We'll all help you through this, I promise!" Dave and John supported Nicole's statements.

Beth smiled, grateful for her friends and her fiancee, and the love she felt from them. She thanked them all for being there for her, then she and Nicole headed to the bathroom to wash their faces before they started packing. As the women left the room, John and Dave just looked at each other, worry etched in each of their faces.

************

Throughout the day, the four packed, cleaned, and otherwise readied the apartment for the inspection that would come before they could retrieve their deposit. They ordered pizza for lunch and Chinese food for dinner. Then, they started taking boxes down to the rental truck that Nicole and Beth had hired.

Beth never went outside without either John or Dave with her, but she did go back upstairs by herself once she had carried a box down and left it for one of her friends to arrange. Finally, late that night, everything was loaded in the truck and the apartment cleaned. It had been a long day and they were all anxious to get showers and fall into bed. Beth told the others she was running back upstairs to do a quick check. She wanted to make sure nothing had been forgotten. The other three were busy finishing the arranging of the boxes, and didn't see the tall man go past the truck.

Heading purposefully up the stairs, he arrived at the door he was seeking. He tried the door knob to the apartment, and was surprised to find it turn and the door open easily. He'd come back a couple times a week, trying to catch his friend at home, but had never been able to. "Ah," he thought to himself, "It's about time."

Stepping through the doorway, he stopped and listened. He heard someone in the back of the apartment, opening and shutting doors and drawers. He walked to the living room, shocked to see it empty. He wanted to surprise his friend, and hoped that she was the one making the noise.

********

Beth heard the door to the apartment open, and continued looking through the bathroom and hall, making sure everything was indeed gone from the cabinets and drawers. She knew her friends would find her back there. Suddenly, she stopped, feeling chills go down her spine. Something didn't feel right, but she wasn't sure what it was. "Oh stop it!" she scolded herself. "Stop being such a basket case!" She turned toward the entrance to the hall, prepared to head to the living room. Just before she made it to the entrance, she glanced up and saw somebody standing there.

Shocked, she opened her mouth to scream, but no sound came out. "Hello, doll! Long time no see! I told you I'd be back. Why look so shocked? Don't tell me you didn't trust me!"

Ben Mashburn stepped forward, grinning evilly as he grabbed her arms. The touch of his hands burned through her long-sleeved sweater. This somehow awakened her from her numb stupor. Finding her voice, she let out one terrified shriek, screaming for John. Ben removed a hand from the arm it was touching and slapped Beth, knocking her against the wall behind her. *No!* She screamed in her head. *Not again!* Her head was pounding and she was barely aware of what was happening as Ben hit her again. *Please God!* she prayed inside, *Please, send John up here. Please!*



Part 6
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