If Only I Were a Quartermaine

"Elizabeth?" Abby waved her hand in front of Elizabeth’s face. She seemed distracted ever since they arrived at the high-class Port Charles Grille. Abby, Cleo, and Jing-Mei had dragged her away from her fight with Mark, about Melissa Bedford, for a girl’s night out.

"Oh, sorry. Maybe this wasn’t such a splendid idea," she apologized. "Especially after arguing with Mark, and here we are on a…manhunt," she continued. Jing-Mei laughed.

"There’s nothing wrong with looking!" she told Elizabeth.

"But that doesn’t mean our men can be looking at other women," Abby added.

"You got that right," Cleo agreed, suddenly wondering where exactly their men were.

"Ohh…look at that," Jing-Mei gestured to a table in the corner of the restaurant where a bald muscular man sat. They all watched him as he checked his pager and quietly stood to leave.

"Nah…too serious," Cleo finally said, sipping her water. The three other women looked at her in disbelief, and then turned back to wait for the next man to walk in.

"We are charging this to Romano’s name, right?" Elizabeth asked. The women laughed and nodded.


John Carter walked slowly along the docks, hoping they would lead him somewhere soon. He asked for directions to the Grille, because he had no idea where the guys were but knew the women were there. The man told him to just follow the docks. The docks would take you anywhere. So far, it had been an interesting walk. He had seen a serious-looking man dressed completely in black, who reminded him a little of Luka, staring out over the water at a hideous mansion. Actually, that’s when he began walking faster. Now, at his slower pace, he decided he wasn’t getting anywhere and jogged up the steps that would hopefully lead him away from the docks. As he was about to round the corner, he stopped when he heard voices. Looking down onto the dock where he had just been, Carter watched two women stop, apparently arguing. Where had they come from? He hadn’t noticed anyone behind him. He shrugged to himself and listened.

"Poor bastard-child Natasha. It baffles me as to why I let you live this long," The older woman in the flashy gold dress said in a hauntingly pleasant way.

"Your threats mean nothing to me, Helena. Someday you’ll realize just how insignificant you are. But until then, I advise you to stay away from Nikolas, my brother, and anyone else I care about," The other woman told her confidently. Carter noticed that her left arm was in a sling.

"You advise me? I am of no danger to my grandson, and I suggest you mind your tone or you may end up with a fate like your mother’s," Helena’s voice became slightly fiercer. Carter feared what this might mean for the other woman at that moment, and emerged from his hiding place. Both women looked at him with surprise.

"It’s not very wise to lurk about listening to private conversations, young man. It may get you into trouble someday," Helena told him, her voice back to the oddly pleasant tone.

"I’ll be just fine, and I really don’t like to be threatened…or to see others threatened," Carter gestured to the other woman.

"I was simply making a suggestion. I’m sorry if you took it the wrong way," she smiled widely.

"Helena likes to throw around death threats. It’s her morbid sense of humor," the other woman told him.

"Well, it’s always a pleasure, Natasha," Helena continued to smile and left her with Carter.

"I’m sorry if I intruded, but it sounded like she was about to hurt you," Carter explained.

"Don’t apologize. Anyone who stands up to Helena has my approval, but you shouldn’t be concerned. She’s really not a threat to me." The woman assured him. Carter was amazed that she took a death threat in such stride, seeming that it occurred often, but decided to let it go.

"So…Natasha, is it?" he asked her.

The woman laughed. "No, it’s Alexis. Alexis Davis," she extended her hand.

"John Carter," he introduced himself.


"Ugh, look at that. Doesn’t she know it’s tacky to wear all white?" Abby pointed at the woman entering the Port Charles Grille.

"With shoes to match," Jing-Mei observed. The woman in white surveyed her surroundings in disappointment, and approached the bar.

"Is that Randi?" Cleo squinted across the room where a wildly-dressed Randi was standing, and obviously flirting, with a short but very handsome dark-haired man. She made eye-contact with Cleo, spoke something to the man, and as he left the room began walking towards their table. She had almost reached them when a very thin blonde, rummaging through her purse while she walked, slammed right into Randi.

"Watch where the hell your going!" The woman practically screamed at Randi, eyes bulging.

"You rammed right into me you bitch!" Randi screamed back, which took the woman by surprise.

"Do you know who I am? I’m Mrs. Sonny Corinthos!" she snapped, her arms flailing about as if they had minds of their own.

"Look lady, I don’t care if you’re Mrs. Donald Trump…" Randi began when Abby grabbed her wrist, trying to prevent her from causing a scene. Randi flung her hand away, causing Abby’s arm to sweep across the bar, knocking the contents of the woman in white’s glass everywhere.

"Oh, God I am so sorry," Abby apologized when she saw the red wine that covered the woman’s white dress.

"You got color on me!" The woman shrieked, jumping off the stool and fleeing from the restaurant, just managing to sideswipe Carter.

Randi and ‘Mrs. Sonny Corinthos’ continued to bicker as he approached.

"Don’t ask!" Abby shouted over their voices to Carter, before he could say anything.

"You don’t know who you’re dealing with!" Mrs. Sonny Corinthos screamed. Randi clenched a fist, about to swing. Just as Abby wondered if there was any security in this place, a man walked slowly behind the hysterical woman.

"Carly," he said firmly. She spun around, her expression changed, and was about to throw her arms around his neck when he pushed her away. She stomped her foot angrily.

"Sonny!" she yelled in protest, but still turned back to smile at Randi as if she were in big trouble now. He didn’t ask any questions, but instead snapped his fingers. A man just as attractive appeared almost out of nowhere.

"Johnny….take Carly back to the Brownstone," he ordered, but his voice remained calm. Johnny took hold of Carly’s arm. She tried jerking it away to no avail.

"Johnny, no! Sonny!" she yelled as he had to practically drag her away. Randi waved at her, smiling triumphantly. Sonny turned to face her after Carly was out of sight.

"I’m sorry if she caused you any trouble," he apologized for his wife, flashing a smile that showed off his dimples. Abby glanced back at Elizabeth, Cleo, and Jing-Mei who were practically drooling over the sight of the man.

"No problem. That wife of yours is really a wacko," Randi responded, not as impressed with Sonny as the rest of the women seemed to be. She walked off to find the man she had been flirting with earlier.

Sonny motioned to the bartender for a drink as he sat down at the bar. Abby rejoined the other women and pointed out that the man they were checking out earlier had returned to his table.

Carter took a seat next to Sonny, hoping to learn a little more about the residents of Port Charles. One in particular being Alexis Davis, who had just turned down his dinner invitation.

"People in this town sure seem to be….eccentric," Carter told Sonny. Sonny nodded, rubbing his chin.

"They can be. Take my wife…ever since May it’s like she’s a completely different person," he confessed.

Carter nodded. "Sometimes people act differently for no reason at all. Like they’re tired of acting one way or being a certain way, so they try to act completely opposite," he grasped for an explanation.

"No, but she even looks like a different person," Sonny added. Carter shrugged and was about to ask Sonny if he knew Alexis when he felt a hard tap on his shoulder. He turned around, as did Sonny, to face the man the girls had been staring at earlier. Sonny rolled his head back and sighed.

"Don’t you ever get tired of this, Taggert?"

"You and your friend here are under arrest," he said calmly, and shoved Carter roughly against the bar.

"What?" Carter exclaimed, glancing at Sonny who didn’t look the least bit surprised. Taggert slapped a pair of handcuffs on Carter, and motioned for another man to take care of Sonny.

"What’s going on…aren’t you supposed to read me my rights? Can’t you at least tell me why I’m being arrested?!" Carter shouted.

"Hah, you wish," Taggert laughed and began leading the men out of the Grille. Abby, Cleo, Elizabeth, and Jing-Mei frantically called after them.

"Oh God…uh…Elizabeth try to get a hold of Mark. Cleo, try to find Kerry, but NOT if she’s with Romano. Deb and I will go down to the police station," Abby spit out orders, half-surprised at herself for taking control.


"But I…" Carter began, frustrated as Sonny shook his head at him. Any time he tried to speak, Sonny would tell him not to say a word, no matter what. He sighed, wondering how the man could be so calm. Why the hell would the police arrest them? He tried not to recall the last time he was arrested, when he destroyed evidence at the hospital. That guy in his cell with the boil….Carter cringed at the memory. The door of the interrogation room opened slowly as Taggert entered, holding a cup of coffee. He leaned against the wall and smiled coolly at them.

"So, is this your new replacement for anger-boy? Wait…wait a minute let me guess. Your going to send this guy to Sorel’s hospital room strapped with yet another bomb. Don’t you ever get tired of putting people’s lives at risk? Huh, Corinthos?" Taggert’s voice turned to anger. Sonny remained silent, staring at the table.

"Did you get your badge out of a cracker-jack box, or do you really think this is legal?" Alexis broke in smoothly, quickly entering the room.

"Alexis?" Carter was shocked and relieved to see her. Alexis smiled at him and continued.

"Those two women out there informed me that my clients weren’t even read their rights. That’s a big no-no, oh and by the way, just why exactly were they arrested? Because it’s beginning to look like there could be grounds for a lawsuit here," she waited for a response from Taggert.

"There was reason to believe they were conspiring something illegal," Taggert began a weak explanation.

"What, conspiring to order a drink? In other words, you have absolutely no evidence of anything," she demanded, tired of having to repeat the same routine. Taggert fumbled noisily for his keys and reluctantly unlocked Sonny and Carter’s cuffs. Sonny grinned at Alexis briefly and, still remaining quiet, exited the interrogation room.

"You’d be a lot better off to stay away from Corinthos. The man is dangerous," Taggert, anger still in his voice, warned Carter.

"You’d find yourself in a lot more danger around the PCPD than with Sonny," Alexis stated matter-of-factly.

"The man strapped himself with a bomb!" Taggert yelled, and gestured to Alexis’s broken arm.

"and happened to save three people," Alexis defended Sonny, which she always seemed to end up doing.

"Mobster logic, who can argue?" Taggert said sarcastically. Carter stared at Alexis in amazement.

"He was talking about Sonny!" Alexis told him, and then turned around as another man entered the room. "Roy, what are you doing in here? This situation has absolutely nothing to do with you," she asked, slightly annoyed.

"Uh, I know…I just thought I’d stop by anyway," he said, leaning against the wall. Alexis shrugged and turned back to Carter and Taggert.

"So how many people has this guy killed?" Carter asked, intrigued that he had been having a conversation with a mobster.

"uh…well..uh," Taggert stuttered. "He’s a bad influence!" he shouted, storming out of the room.

"Carter, what’s going on? You alright?" Mark entered. Carter nodded and tried to explain how he ended up being arrested. They joined Abby and Jing-Mei outside the room.

"Romano does not hear about this," Mark warned them. They nodded in agreement as they headed out of the police station.



"I should’ve known I couldn’t depend on you people for anything. The Quartermaines invite us to lunch and four of my doctors decide to roam the town," Romano griped as he and the rest of the doctors stood outside the Quartermaine mansion.

"It’s fine, Robert, there’s no point in everyone being there," Kerry tried to calm him as he knocked on the door again.

"Don’t tell me everything’s fine. It looks like I don’t know how to run my staff!" he shouted. No one answered him, but instead stood looking in awe at the massive mansion.

"Reginald! Why am I always answering the door in my own damn house!" They heard a voice bellow from inside. Then, a white-haired elderly man opened the door, a smile already plastered on his face. Romano immediately started talking to the man who introduced himself as Edward Quartermaine, as he lead them inside. Abby headed toward the large staircase as everyone else followed Edward to an elegant sitting room.

"Abby, where are you going?" Luka whispered as she began to ascend the stairs.

"I’m gonna go find the bathroom. It can’t be that hard, there’s probably 100 of them in this place," she whispered back.

"You want me to come with you?" Luka asked, ready to follow.

"I won’t get lost. Romano won’t even notice I’m gone. I’ll be back in a few minutes," she motioned to Luka to join the others and continued to climb the stairs. When she reached the top, she groaned as she saw the many doors ahead of her. She tried the first one on her left. A small closet. Probably the only small thing in this place. Reaching for the second door, she gasped at the sight inside.

"Dave!" she yelled as she saw him sitting up, shirtless, in a humongous bed. He practically fell off when she entered.

"Abby, what…what’re you doin’ here?" he stuttered over his words.

"What are YOU doing here?" she shouted.

Dave gestured to himself. "Isn’t it obvious?"

"How could you…" she lowered her voice to a whisper. "How could you sleep with a Quartermaine? Do you know what Romano will do if he finds out?"

"Look, I didn’t know she was a Quartermaine until it was too late. She said her last name was Chandler," Dave tried to explain.

"God, Dave," Abby rubbed her forehead stressfully. "Didn’t the mansion tip you off?"

"It was dark…." He whimpered in a pathetic defense.

"Ok, ok fine. Where is she?"

Dave shrugged in response. "She wasn’t here when I woke up…and I’m not exactly gonna go wandering around this place like this."

"Get up and we’ll go downstairs with everyone else. Act like you just got here or something," Abby instructed.

"You really want me to get up now?" Dave smiled. Abby followed his gaze to his pile of clothes on the floor. She quickly raised her hand for him to stay put.

"Wait until I leave," she walked towards the door.

"Hey, Abby…"

"What?" she turned around.


"Yeah, yeah whatever," she shut the door behind her and sighed deeply. She began walking towards the next door when another clicked open from further down the hall. Abby caught her breath and turned to run down the stairs, but stopped in her tracks. A young woman in a white terry-cloth robe slinked cautiously across the hallway.

"Randi!" Abby tried to keep her voice low through her surprise. Randi turned, shocked, to look at her but remained silent.

"God, did everyone sleep with a Quartermaine last night?" Abby demanded.

"Why, did you?" Randi asked incredulously.

"Just make sure no one sees you," Abby warned.

"Yeah, whatever. Do you know where the bathroom is?"

"I’m afraid to keep looking," Abby told her, and turned back to descend the stairs.


Dave quickly pulled his shirt over his head, anxious to get downstairs before anyone else caught him. He reached for the doorknob but stopped when he heard arguing voices outside the room. He recognized one as being Skye’s.

"It’s obvious I’m being set up. You’ll believe anything Ned says!" her voice quivered.

"I forgave you for your part in Emily’s accident. I thought you were being sincere in trying to help her, but now you are intentionally trying to destroy this family. I made a mistake in trusting you," Alan Quartermaine said sternly.

Skye swept into the room like a tornado, slamming the door behind her.

"They will do anything to convince my father to throw me out, but I’ll be damned if I let them win! They don’t know who they’re dealing with!" She fumed.

"He wants to throw you out?" Dave sat on the edge of the bed. Skye nodded.

"He thinks I’m selling my ELQ stock to Sonny Corinthos to try and destroy the family. As if my brother didn’t try the same thing a couple years ago, except with Jasper Jax," she sat down next to Dave. "I’ll think of something," she said calmly, chewing thoughtfully on her nail.

Dave managed to reach the others without a problem and was introduced to Alan’s father and wife, Edward and Monica, and his nephew, Ned Ashton. He smiled briefly at Abby as he took a seat between her and Carter. He tried to stifle a yawn at listening to Romano suck up to the Quartermaines, but froze as Skye entered.

"Hello everybody," she smiled.

"If you don’t mind, Skye, we have guests here," Monica told her coldly.

"Well, it is my house, too. They are just as much my guests as yours," she stated, shooting a quick glance at Dave. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"Wrong, it is my house…" Monica began.

"I gave it to you," Alan added.

"It’s my house and you will not be here much longer. It was only a matter of time before you would screw up again and Alan would see you how the rest of us do!" Monica continued.

"Maybe we should go…" Mark suggested as Monica’s voice rose.

"No!" Alan and Monica both shouted at him.

"You are a disgrace to this family!" Edward declared, pointing at Skye.

"This from the man who sold me at birth!" she shot back.

"I will not sit back and watch you ruin this family. I tried to give you a chance…" Alan’s voice also became angry.

"You’ve never given me a chance!" she yelled and turned to Monica. "and neither have you. You didn’t even try to make any effort to accept me from the day I came here!"

"Maybe walking in on the ceremony to renew my wedding vowels put a damper on our relationship," Monica said sarcastically. The doctors from County fiddled uncomfortably as they watched the argument, except for Romano who seemed amused.

"You can stop this act now, Skye. I’m not buying it anymore," Alan told her. Skye blinked back angry tears.

"Would you throw out a daughter who was…who was…pregnant?" she exclaimed. Monica threw her arms in the air.

"Now I’ve heard everything!"

Alan stared at his daughter for a few moments. "and who’s the father?" he asked calmly. Skye’s eyes darted around the room. She grabbed Dave’s wrist and pulled him to a standing position.

"Him!" she proclaimed. Dave stared at her in shock.

"You sure do work fast, Skye. He’s been here…what…2, 3 days?" Ned joined the argument.

"I’m supposed to take relationship advice from someone whose been married…what…six times now? Or doesn’t being left at the altar count?" Skye told him coolly.

"Taking insult tips from Junior, now?" Ned blew off her remarks.

Alan stared at Dave intently. "Do you love my daughter?" he asked seriously. Dave tried to talk, but no sound would escape. He looked desperately toward his friends, but he couldn’t even seem to see straight.

"Of course he loves me. We’re going to be married," Skye told Alan sincerely, squeezing Dave’s arm. Dave felt his face grow hot and tried to stand still, despite his wobbly legs.

Alan leaned forward to embrace his daughter, but Monica yanked him back.

"Can’t you see she’s manipulation you yet again? She is exactly like Tracy!,"

"I told you never to mention that name in this house!" Edward shouted.

"Oh, put a sock in it, Edward!" Monica shot back, looking expectantly at Alan for an answer.

"I will not turn my back on my daughter, or a grandchild. The least you could do is try to be supportive of Skye!" Alan told Monica, ready to support his scheming daughter.

"She is trying to destroy us! And by helping Sonny Corinthos who ruined Jason…and put Emily’s life in danger countless times!" Monica exclaimed.

"Have you forgotten that AJ also tried to ruin the family by selling his stock to Jax a couple years ago?" Alan argued as Skye watched triumphantly.

"So as long as Junior does the deed first, it’s fair game for us to try? Hmm…maybe I should try wrapping my car around a tree sometime…" Ned chimed in. Skye shot him a dirty look. The Quartermaines continued to argue viciously, Alan now on Skye’s side.

"You, what do you have to say about this?" Edward turned his attention on Dave.

"That’s quite enough, everybody!" Everyone turned to see an elderly woman being wheeled in by Reginald the butler, obviously using her to settle things down.

"Oh, hello Lila dear," Edward’s voice became sweet. Lila ignored him and held a hand out to Dave.

"Reginald tells me that you are engaged to my granddaughter, and that I should be expecting another great-grandchild. Welcome to the family," she smiled at Dave warmly. Dave took a step forward to take her hand, but collapsed to the floor instead. He vaguely heard Edward bellow "I refuse to have a great-grandchild named Malucci!" as his friends rushed to help him.

Part 4
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