Roof's Hidden Truths


AUTHOR: Sylvia
EMAIL: ellaspyrka@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: JC/LKo
RATING: PG... Language
SPOILERS: Season Nine-ish
ARCHIVE: Please please please email me!
DISCLAIMER: These are not my characters, they belong to NBC and Warner Bros. I wish they were mine, but they're not. I can always DREAM!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thanks to Victoria, who gave me the idea for this one and also forced me to put Abby in here, since she hates Abby... {Abby's the BEST} And many thanks to Neoxer (Heather) for hosting. Also, CONVERSATION IS IN ITALICS... The thoughts are in regular font! Sorry for any confusion 0_0
SUMMARY: John and Luka finally make ends meet in a very uncomfortable situation.



~*~


Carter walked up the stairs to the roof. He needed a break. He hadn't had one in ages. Between work, his grandmother, and Abby, rest and relaxation didn't fit in. He wanted to run away for a while, maybe to the Caribbean with Abby. But first, he had to wait for Gamma's suffering to be over. He couldn't stand to see her in so much pain. Yet, he had been there throughout the whole week. Today he wasn't going. Abby told him not to. She was worried about him, and she wanted him to stay home. He grabbed his cell, and phoned the manor. Asked about Gamma's condition. She was slowly deteriorating, but still alive. Maybe he would let her have her peace himself. He threw his cell into his pocket, then felt something in there. He grabbed it. It was Abby's cigarettes and lighter. He was trying to get her to quit. He knew he shouldn't, but he lit one up. It helped him relax a bit. As he continued to think about his grandmother, he heard the door slam. He thought it might have been Abby, but it was Luka, who was standing at the other side of the roof. Maybe totally unaware that Carter was up there with him.

~*~

Luka stood over the side of the roof, and gazed over. His life was miserable. He had lost the one he loved, and then today, had two kids die on him because of an abusive father. He missed his kids and wife. He wished he had lived differently. Maybe died with them. But he survived, and there was nothing he could do, but move on with his life. Maybe try to save some lives. Make some people's lives a bit easier. Then his mind wandered back to Abby. He had loved her. Even after he thought he would never love anyone else after Danjella, he loved her. And she was gone. She was gone, with Carter. Much happier. Yet he wished they had ended their relationship differently. Or not even at all. His life had some type of meaning then. She made him smile. Now, she was the one smiling with Carter, and he was left to cry tears alone at night. He knew loneliness. He knew what it was to cry for the one you love, then cry more every time. It's supposed to get easier right? It only gets harder.

~*~

As Carter headed back to the stairs, to finish his shift, he looked up at Luka. He was crying. He could never get along with Luka. They were from two different planets. He didn't understand how he could be so awful to Abby, and then want her back. He never understood their relationship. Abby was miserable with him, yet he kept her with him. He knew Luka didn't like him either. Maybe it was because he was with Abby. Maybe it was because of what had happened with them earlier. He didn't know. He didn't want to know. As he reached for the handle, and tried to open it, he realized, it was locked. Damn, he thought. He didn't have his keys with him. Maybe Luka had his keys.

~*~

Luka's thoughts were interrupted with Carter asking about keys. He didn't even realize he was up there with him. Luka reached into his pocket, but to his surprise, realized that he didn't have them. He must have left them in his coat. They were locked on the roof together. This couldn't be good. He didn't have his cell phone, it was also in his coat. He saw Carter reach for his, try to turn it on, then slam it into his pocket. The battery was dead. Carter was the last person he wanted to be stranded with. It was 3 am, no one came on the roof at this time of morning. Yet, maybe, he prayed, someone might realize that they are gone. But then again, they might assume that Carter left, and Luka's probably sleeping somewhere. Most likely with someone. He heard the rumors. He hated them. He couldn't stand to look at himself in the mirror. To see what he had become. He hated himself. He had changed so much.

~*~

Carter sat down on the roof. Chicago was windy as hell. To top it off, it was cold outside, and the sun wasn't out. He was getting mad, and he wanted to go home. He pulled out the cigarettes again. Maybe another one would help? He was running out of reasons to smoke. The nicotine pulled at him from inside. He lighted up again. In inhaled slowly, and breathed out. No wonder Abby smoked. It was relaxing. Unhealthy, but relaxing. As he sat, he heard Luka walking around. Carter was running out of thing to do, so he motioned Luka over. And told him to sit. Maybe it was time to talk things out. Finally.

~*~

Luka felt uncomfortable with Carter on the roof. He knew they hated each other, and haven't gotten along in a while. He hated Carter because he still loved Abby. Carter hated him for many reasons. But they weren't his fault. It just happened. At least it was good that he hadn't heard too much about what happened with Erin. He could have used that against him as well. As he sat down, Carter looked at him. These deep, dark, brown eyes, full of passion. Into this, lifeless dark green eyes. Beaten and worn after many tears. Then Carter spoke. Strangely enough, Luka understood everything.

~*~

"I don't understand life anymore. I always thought, being a doctor, you could somehow control it. Yet everything is out of reach. You can work your ass off, and try everything. Do everything right, yet nothing matters. Still the same result: death. The same thing with love. Sometimes it works out. But most of the time it doesn't. But it's all fate. You can never change it. Try to work around it, maybe. But it will always catch up with you. It's a demon that follows you everywhere you go." Carter didn't know why he had started to talk. To bear his soul. To try to get all his emotions into words. Even to Luka. This was something he couldn't say to Abby though. He couldn't bear to tell her. She was so happy all the time. Her mom was finally on her meds, and her brother had checked himself into rehab. Her life was in line. She stopped drinking, and quitting smoking was up next. He couldn't burden her. Then why could he let himself burden Luka? Maybe because he hated him? Or maybe because both were going through the same thing? Luka's words interrupted his thoughts on why.

~*~

"It never gets easier. Life never gets easier. As soon as you think you're happy, it comes and stabs you in the back. When my wife and children died, I was devastated. Life had no more meaning. Everywhere I went, everything I saw, I saw them in it. It would always be, 'Danjella loved to do that, or Jasna would always laugh when I talked about this.' It was horrible. I couldn't escape it. I cried tears every night, and I still do. Yet now, I cry twice. Once for what I had, and what I could have had, but lost." Luka didn't know where those words came from. He hadn't talked like this to anyone, ever. Not even Abby. Not even Carol. No one. It made him feel better. He felt like a weight was lifted off his chest. But he knew Carter now understood what had happened with Abby. Well at least, maybe he did.

~*~

Carter started to understand everything about Luka. Life wasn't easy. He could vouch for it. But there were some good thing beneath all the bad. He remembered always wanting to be with Abby. It was hard. He didn't want to push her, pressure her. Yet he wanted her so bad. He loved her so much. As a friend. But then as more. Then that fateful day in lockdown. Everything became worth it. He loved her all the more. But for what Luka had been through, maybe there wasn't something good. It was hard. "Abby?"

~*~

Luka knew that would be the word. He knew what the conversation was going to lead to. Why lie, he thought to himself. Why play this stupid game of denial any longer. Carter probably figured it out already anyway. Abby knew. She read him like a book. "Yeah. I can't forgive myself for what happened. I wish it had been different. Tried hard. Put more in. But in the end, I was never good enough, and she always ended up at your door."

~*~

Carter didn't understand why Luka figured this all out now. He had loved Abby from the very beginning. Tried his best to be there for her, even if it was just as a friend. If your heart was really there, you would give up your life for the person. He would die for Abby if it came to it. But Luka, it seemed he didn't care until after everything was over. Until he actually saw Abby happy with him. "You can't blame yourself now, for things that happened months ago. Things change. Relationships change. People change. Times change."

~*~

Luka knew things change. He changed. He changed into a cruel bastard, who wouldn't stand to look at himself in a mirror. He hated what happened. He would redo it differently. Everything. But now it was too late. Abby was happy with Carter. He knew a wedding was on the way. He now had no one. He was alone in this empty world. Without even a friend to give a damn about him. He had always thought about going back to Croatia to rebuild his life there. Yet he knew he wouldn't be strong enough. Too many memories, too many happy memories to remind him that they aren't there anymore. But he is. "I loved her. I did. I still do. It was so hard for me to commit. That was the problem. I was scared. Horrified. I couldn't stand to have her ripped away. I had lost so many people in my life already. Friends, family, my entire life. I couldn't let it happen again. I only thought of myself. What I was afraid of. Never bothered to ask Abby. Never bothered to care, back then. But now, I see her so happy with you. I wished I had the chance to make her that happy. I could have. But I didn't. I didn't do a lot of things. And in the end, I think she had a point. She left me for you. It might have been the best thing for her. But I still love her. And I don't know if I can go on any longer."

~*~

Carter finally understood everything. Some things that he wished he had known. He began to feel guilty. Maybe if he hadn't always been there. If he hadn't decided to butt in. If he hadn't decided to pressure Abby. If he had let everything run it's course. If it was meant to be, it would have been. No matter what. He would have been unhappy. But if Abby was happy, he would be okay. But now, Luka was suffering, the same way he did. But it was ten times worse. He hadn't lost the one he loved. Then try to rebuild his life with a bunch of strangers. He had more respect for him. He was at a loss for words. The two men sat in silence for a while. Carter knew Luka was crying. But he didn't know what to say, how to act. As the seconds dragged, it felt like hours. There was nothing much more to be said. Finally, he heard the door open. It was Abby. "I was looking everywhere for you, John." A huge amount of sorrow filled him. Maybe he still had a chance to make everything right. Somehow. "Umm, Abby. I need to get back downstairs, to finish some charts. But I think you should talk to Luka. Please. There are some things you might need to understand." He left them alone.

~*~

Luka saw Carter leave, but Abby walk towards him. She knelt down, and noticed he was crying. She wiped away his tears, and grabbed his hands. He looked into her worried brown eyes. Well, it was now or never. Carter understood. Maybe Abby would, too. All he began with was an 'I'm sorry.' Both ended in each other's arms in tears. Finally, he thought, he might be able to move on. But with a better respect for himself and Carter. Maybe he had even found a new friend... Maybe even two...




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