Shifting Through The Ashes




"Log roll him!" I hear a ruggedly handsome doctor call out. A guy with thinning hair and a lady with a crutch move Carter side to side while keeping pressure on both wounds. The MAST trousers are nowhere to be seen.

"Someone get me a pressure, electrolytes, an ABG, a PT, a urinalysis and a dip!" The bald doctor says, I guess he is the one in charge. A heavy set black nurse places a mask over Carter's face and several other people are now trying to comply with all the orders being shouted.

The good-looking doctor is listening to Carter' chest with a stethoscope, "Mark, we need 3 units of O negative on a rapid infuser and a chest X-ray, an abdominal flat film and a CT scan of the abdomen as well."

So the balding guy is Mark as he replies, "I'm on it Doug!"

The surgeon is trying to pace in his little area to the side; I can tell he cannot keep from shouting his own orders. "You need to rule out a tension pneumothorax and an acute MI."

The guy with salt and pepper hair glances up for a second, "We're doing that Peter, hold on a sec."

Benton looks perturbed and I know he means well when he shouts back, "Well do it faster, Ross!"

All of them move out of the way only long enough for a few films to be shot and Mark glances at all the read out (outs) of the machines surrounding the room.

"We need to place an NGT tube to evaluate his intragastic blood levels."

All this medical talk is frustrating me; I'm no closer to finding out what is happening. Benton watches, his eyes transfixed by all the hustle of the ER room. Everything transforms to a blur of time and medical jargon that I have no hope of understanding. All I can see is all the bloodied garments that have been removed and are strewn all over the floor. How much blood did the dear man lose on his way here? There is a fair amount on the stretcher and it is still seeping through the dressings on his side. The sheets he is lying on are stained red and it's a horrific sight to take in. Things seem to fade in and out for me, but I concentrate on one thing, someone is struggling to talk.

I open my eyes once more to see Benton peering down over Carter, he's awake and trying to speak but no words are coming out. I listen and try to hone in on only Benton, but the chorus of other voices make it difficult to concentrate.

"You can't talk, we're using the NG tube to depress any herriatations. We're moving you to the OR now, so we skipped a diagnostic peritoneal lavage." Benton tells him in a hurry as they start transporting him towards an elevator.

Carter uses those brown eyes to indicate that he has more questions. I can tell the kind of bond that has been forged between these two, because for some reason it is as if Benton knows what Carter is inquiring about.

"Yes, both extremity pulse are equal, now just relax." Benton is telling Carter with a tough, but compassionate voice.

I watch Carter digest what is being told to him, I know he is weighing in what is being said and the tone used to express the information. In a millionth second he is deducing the medical implications and the possibilities that his friend is keeping details from him. Carter shakes his nod emphatically about something; he is very distressed over something. He even tries to grab his co-worker's shoulder to get his attention, but Benton will have no unnecessary movement from him.

The surgeon shakes his head, "I told them a laparotomy, and they won't even use a thoracosopic scope on you."

Ross gives the surgeon a stern look, indicating that maybe he is lying. A battle of expressions is being waged between the two men and Benton steps back for a second as they wait for the elevator door to open.

"Don't tell him that, Peter! There was a dullness in the chest, which might need to be explored. We don't have time for an MRI, there is no way to guarantee..."

"Listen, Ross, I made him a promise. He doesn't need that kind of surgery...I...just have a feeling." Benton whispers, his head lowered as if he doesn't want to admit to such a leap in logic.

"A feeling, Peter? You're going to place his life in peril over a feeling? Well, I got news for you, there is no way you're performing the procedure." Ross's words are full of outrage.

"You're not a surgeon, Ross..."

"Peter, the only thing you're doing is getting some x-rays of your own. What's gotten into you? Since when did you care what happens to Carter?" The combative doctor looks very perplexed at this display of emotion from the surgeon.

I'm curious as to the reason for this confusion. It appeared to me as if Benton and Carter were good friends. I do recall now the odd looks that some of the staff shot towards the black man during the battle to save Carter. The nurses looked baffled at the amount of attention Benton was giving during the crisis in the ER. Wasn't it obvious that he cared about the younger man?

Benton looks very offended at this sentiment from his co- worker, "Since when did I have to express things openly to anyone?"

With that last statement, Benton rides up in the elevator and leaves Dr. Ross and me in the hallway wallowing in a state of perplexity. I see the woman with the crutch and Dr. Mark come over to stand with the angry doctor in front of me.

The woman with the crutch asks, "What the hell happened? I heard they were involved in some construction site accident?" She looks towards the other two, who seem unable to give her any answers.

Mark looks down at the floor and speaks, "I have no clue, Carter was leaving to go home and the next thing I know Peter comes in with an ambulance and is shouting out orders left and right. It took a few seconds before I realized who I was working on."

"Peter was sure acting odd, don't you think?" Kerry asks.

Mark shrugs his shoulders, "He's upset, and I think he was there when the accident happened." The older doctor proposes.

Ross doesn't seem to comprehend the things that happened in the trauma room, "Benton is one of the toughest SOBs there is and then all of a sudden..."

The doctor doesn't finish his train of thought and simply says, "You never know."

I find this whole conversation just very odd. To think that maybe my two rescuers behave differently at work is just so very weird. Perhaps some people just can't communicate with each other, I find this to be such a sad situation. Perhaps this will change things between the two of them. I really wish I could learn more about them, maybe I can find out what is happening in the operating room. I plan to ask one of them, but then I gain my senses.

Mark takes off his glasses and cleans them as he looks over at the lady doctor. "What about the other victim that was brought in? The one that I think they went after in the first place?"

Ross answers, "She was DOA on the scene, according to the EMT's. I think Carter and Benton went in to save her and she died before the rest of the roof crashed on all of them." He says solemnly.

I bow my head and go away. I knew I was dead, but I felt compelled to watch how things turned out. Those two doctors did everything to save me, I just couldn't hold on. When my nightmare entrapped them, I wanted to stay, even though I forgot sometimes I couldn't help them. Even when I spoke to them, I felt somehow they could hear me in some way.

I feel myself drift again and I battle the urge to head on. My time here is still not complete. I take one last look at myself lying so still on the gurney. I was once a very good-looking lady with a lot of potential; I was visiting the site for inspection purposes. It did not pass the test, I dare say. Time is an illusion and as I travel up and down the halls I get caught up in all that transpires here. When I realize that maybe I really should go, I can tell that hours have passed. I'll go, but not until I do one final thing.

Xxx

I find myself in one of those ICU areas. The rooms are so silent except for the constant humming and beeping of medical machines. I glance at various beds and come across the one I was seeking. Lying very still, but awake, is Carter. Also, just as expected, I see Benton sitting in a chair next to him, his leg in what appears to be a walking cast. A crutch is leaning against one of the walls. Like last time, I spy on them in silence to bid my farewell.

Carter is very still as he speaks in a hoarse voice. I can tell that he is very tired and his face is full of pain and sadness.

"What about my liver?" He questions.

"Everything is fine, I told you. By some miracle the beam entered above your hip and went in at a slanting angle. It missed every major organ except, but it lacerated your abdominal wall. Dr. Anspusgh inserted intraabdominal packs to control the hemorrhaging and we restored the blood volume you lost. He performed a laporotomy and found nothing else that had to be repaired."

Benton tries his best to sound confident for the both of them, I can tell.

Carter does not seem at ease at the news that he will make a full recovery. I would think after almost dying he would a bit happier. The surgeon seems unable to say anything else, again he is in place to supply some comfort or support and he does not act. He remains silent and Carter does not ask anything from him. I can see why the other staff members were so amazed at Benton's behavior, everything is clearer now. These two never express themselves as they should.

Carter breaks the silence by explaining his reasons for being so unjoival about his medical condition. "The woman never made it. I thought maybe..."

Benton avoids eye contact, but places his hand on the younger man's shoulder. "Nothing could have saved her. I think she knew we tried everything. We can't fix them all, Carter, but I have a feeling that she understands. You have two pretty good-sized holes in you now; I think that is testament enough. Don't you?"

The younger man nods, though I can tell he does not believe it. It fills my heart with warmth that someone like him is in the position in this world to care and help others. The surgeon pats him on the arm, still unable to take any further steps as a comforter.

"I have to leave and finish my reports. You just get some rest." Benton heads out the door and pauses for a moment, "That was the bravest thing I've ever seen, Carter. You have a lot to be proud of." Then he exits.

I think he meant to say that he is proud of Carter's actions, but something tells me that the younger man knows that. I think they express themselves in their own little secret code. I understand now. Before I leave I lean over him and kiss his cheek. I let my lips linger for a second, knowing this was the last time I could ever express love to another. I watch his reaction and I think deep down he feels the emotions I have shared with him. Slowly he smiles just slightly and he takes his hand and traces where I left my expression of love.

I feel I'm ready to go on, this man will be around to take care of many people. I feel my death will not linger around as a layer of guilt, but will serve him in the future.

The End!




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