So Bad It Hurts Inside
RATING: PG13 – some strong language and Carter angst.
SPOILERS: All events leading up to May Day, but the Season 6 finale never happened. No other significant spoilers. This is sort of an altered universe.
ARCHIVE: don't care
DISCLAIMER: I own none. Would if I could, but I can’t so I won’t.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I did my best with the medical info, and I had to do some research. Please bear with any inaccuracies.
SUMMARY: The stabbing has Carter struggling to gain control of his life.
I wanted to die. Nothing sounded better than to just slip away into
darkness, forgetting everything. No thoughts, no memories, no pain.
guilt over killing a friend. My God, is that what I did?
I remember the night clearly. It stayed so fresh in my mind, I
was still there. Every time I closed my eyes, I was there, reliving
second. If only I had the power to change it. Then everything would
different. Maybe then Lucy wouldn’t be dead, and I wouldn’t be here in
hospital, alive and breathing. She had so much to live for. Why,
she have to die, and I have to live?
It was my fault. All of it was my fault. I didn’t listen to her. I
still so angry from what happened with Roxanne. I never meant to take
out on her, but it happened. She wouldn’t speak to me all day. I
understood why, but I was too stubborn to say I was sorry.
When evening came, she approached me for advice. A patient of hers
headache, with no other symptoms. Again I was cold to her. She wanted
call for a Psych consult, but I told her she was wasting her time.
meds and send him home. I wasn’t her supervisor; she did not need my
I stopped being her friend; that was what killed her. She saw
the patient I had overlooked. The man was crazy.
I eventually relented my ego, and went to apologize to Lucy. I was an
and I wanted her to know that. I never meant to hurt her.
The exam room was dark, and empty. When I entered I felt a sharp
up my spine. She wasn’t there. Neither was the patient. In the midst
the darkness, I felt a presence.
I called out her nickname, Luce. It echoed off the walls, then
returned once again. I looked around. There was no sign of her in the
A pale object on the floor caught my eye. I bent down to pick it up.
was a heart, a Valentine’s Day heart given out by Yosh. Lucy’s name
written in cursive on the front in black ink. I turned the card over,
smiling to myself. I could give her the card back, then she wouldn’t be
mad at me.
I felt somebody grip my shoulder, pulling me back. I thought it was
trying to surprise me. Suddenly, the searing pain ripped through my
an object entered my back. My mind clouded, and for a moment I did not
realize what was happening. As soon as the object left, so did the
behind me. I staggered a bit, reaching my hand behind me to feel my
The blood was warm, and darkened my hand.
My heart leapt to my throat and I again staggered. Tears were burning
eyes. My legs grew weak and I fell under the lack of support, landing
on the cold tile. The pain was intense, travelling up my back and down
leg in waves. Pulsing waves.
I tried to scream, to move, anything but lie there in the dark with my
blood flowing freely from my body. But I couldn’t. I tried to utter a
word, but all that came out was a crackled gasp. My eyes threatened to
shut, and take me away from the pain, but I pulled my strength together
forced myself up off the floor.
My arms gave up easily and I again found myself on the floor, with my
turned to one side. I saw somebody, lying on her side on the floor on
other side of the bed. Her eyes were large, and looked at me with such
fear. My breath caught in my throat. It was Lucy.
Lucy, Lucy, oh my God, my Lucy. I tried to say her name. It came out
Her eyes were blank. Oh, please tell me she’s alive. Yes, she
Her eyes met mine. Her mouth opened slightly as she tried to whisper
name. She couldn’t speak. Her throat was cut. Her blouse was covered
blood, her own blood.
I had to get up. Her life was depending on me and I had to save her.
willed my arms to work and pushed up from the floor. The pain returned
I screamed out, biting down on my lip. It hurt, it hurt so much but I
wouldn’t give up.
I finally rose to a sitting position, my back crying out in agony. I
the room spin as flashes of white light entered my eyes and my mind. I
didn’t want to go! I didn’t want to leave Lucy there. Please, let me
My strength left me, betraying me as I passed out. I screamed
I entered the world of darkness that quickly consumed me.
John Carter lay in bed long after his alarm sounded the coming of a
day. He continued to stare at the ceiling, thinking that maybe, just
something would happen so he wouldn’t have to go to work that day. He
didn’t have the energy, or the sanity, to deal with it anymore.
He turned his head, focusing on the bright digits that illuminated the
of his bed. 4:27 am. Kerry was sure to bitch if he showed up late for
Kicking off the sheets, he rose from the bed, grimacing as the
pain returned to his back. Why should he complain? He was still
This was what kept him going day in and day out. Lucy was dead, and
alive. He couldn’t possibly ask for any special treatment when he
He kept his shower short, then dressed for work. In the kitchen, he
out the appropriate meds from their containers. After washing them
with water, he paused. Today was going to be a long shift. And two
often wore off after a few hours. He took three more tablets, and
them in one gulp. A couple more pills wouldn’t hurt. They never did
before. With that thought, he left for work.