So Bad It Hurts Inside

AUTHOR: brin
CATEGORY: Carter/cast
RATING: PG13 – some strong language and Carter angst.
SPOILERS: All events leading up to May Day, but the Season 6 finale never happened. No other significant spoilers. This is sort of an altered universe.
ARCHIVE: don't care
DISCLAIMER: I own none. Would if I could, but I can’t so I won’t.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I did my best with the medical info, and I had to do some research. Please bear with any inaccuracies.
SUMMARY: The stabbing has Carter struggling to gain control of his life.

Feb. 16th

I wanted to die. Nothing sounded better than to just slip away into utter darkness, forgetting everything. No thoughts, no memories, no pain. No guilt over killing a friend. My God, is that what I did?

I remember the night clearly. It stayed so fresh in my mind, I thought I was still there. Every time I closed my eyes, I was there, reliving every second. If only I had the power to change it. Then everything would be different. Maybe then Lucy wouldn’t be dead, and I wouldn’t be here in the hospital, alive and breathing. She had so much to live for. Why, then, did she have to die, and I have to live?

It was my fault. All of it was my fault. I didn’t listen to her. I was still so angry from what happened with Roxanne. I never meant to take it out on her, but it happened. She wouldn’t speak to me all day. I understood why, but I was too stubborn to say I was sorry.

When evening came, she approached me for advice. A patient of hers had a headache, with no other symptoms. Again I was cold to her. She wanted to call for a Psych consult, but I told her she was wasting her time. Give him meds and send him home. I wasn’t her supervisor; she did not need my help.

I stopped being her friend; that was what killed her. She saw something in the patient I had overlooked. The man was crazy.

I eventually relented my ego, and went to apologize to Lucy. I was an ass, and I wanted her to know that. I never meant to hurt her.

The exam room was dark, and empty. When I entered I felt a sharp chill go up my spine. She wasn’t there. Neither was the patient. In the midst of the darkness, I felt a presence.

I called out her nickname, Luce. It echoed off the walls, then silence returned once again. I looked around. There was no sign of her in the room.

A pale object on the floor caught my eye. I bent down to pick it up. It was a heart, a Valentine’s Day heart given out by Yosh. Lucy’s name was written in cursive on the front in black ink. I turned the card over, smiling to myself. I could give her the card back, then she wouldn’t be so mad at me.

I felt somebody grip my shoulder, pulling me back. I thought it was Lucy, trying to surprise me. Suddenly, the searing pain ripped through my body as an object entered my back. My mind clouded, and for a moment I did not realize what was happening. As soon as the object left, so did the person behind me. I staggered a bit, reaching my hand behind me to feel my back. The blood was warm, and darkened my hand.

My heart leapt to my throat and I again staggered. Tears were burning my eyes. My legs grew weak and I fell under the lack of support, landing hard on the cold tile. The pain was intense, travelling up my back and down my leg in waves. Pulsing waves. I tried to scream, to move, anything but lie there in the dark with my own blood flowing freely from my body. But I couldn’t. I tried to utter a word, but all that came out was a crackled gasp. My eyes threatened to shut, and take me away from the pain, but I pulled my strength together and forced myself up off the floor.

My arms gave up easily and I again found myself on the floor, with my head turned to one side. I saw somebody, lying on her side on the floor on the other side of the bed. Her eyes were large, and looked at me with such fear. My breath caught in my throat. It was Lucy.

Lucy, Lucy, oh my God, my Lucy. I tried to say her name. It came out a sob.

Her eyes were blank. Oh, please tell me she’s alive. Yes, she blinked. Her eyes met mine. Her mouth opened slightly as she tried to whisper my name. She couldn’t speak. Her throat was cut. Her blouse was covered with blood, her own blood.

I had to get up. Her life was depending on me and I had to save her. I willed my arms to work and pushed up from the floor. The pain returned and I screamed out, biting down on my lip. It hurt, it hurt so much but I wouldn’t give up.

I finally rose to a sitting position, my back crying out in agony. I felt the room spin as flashes of white light entered my eyes and my mind. I didn’t want to go! I didn’t want to leave Lucy there. Please, let me help her!

My strength left me, betraying me as I passed out. I screamed silently as I entered the world of darkness that quickly consumed me.

May 30th

John Carter lay in bed long after his alarm sounded the coming of a new day. He continued to stare at the ceiling, thinking that maybe, just maybe something would happen so he wouldn’t have to go to work that day. He didn’t have the energy, or the sanity, to deal with it anymore. He turned his head, focusing on the bright digits that illuminated the side of his bed. 4:27 am. Kerry was sure to bitch if he showed up late for work.

Kicking off the sheets, he rose from the bed, grimacing as the familiar pain returned to his back. Why should he complain? He was still alive.

This was what kept him going day in and day out. Lucy was dead, and he was alive. He couldn’t possibly ask for any special treatment when he didn’t deserve it.

He kept his shower short, then dressed for work. In the kitchen, he shook out the appropriate meds from their containers. After washing them down with water, he paused. Today was going to be a long shift. And two pills often wore off after a few hours. He took three more tablets, and swallowed them in one gulp. A couple more pills wouldn’t hurt. They never did before. With that thought, he left for work.

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4   Part 5   Part 6   Part 7   Part 8   Part 9   Part 10   Part 11   Part 12
Part 13   Part 14   Part 15   Part 16   Part 17   Part 18   Part 19   Part 20   Part 21
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