A Very Messed Up Christmas
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any characters in this story. They are all owned by NBC,
Warner Brothers, etc..
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This was written during season 6 and I didnt like
ER very much back then- this story was a joke so a lot of it is messed up!
SUMMARY: It's Christmastime in the ER- uh oh!
It is December second. Kerry and Peter are in the lounge watching the Barney
KERRY: Hey Peter, did you get me my Christmas present yet?
PETER: Ya Kerry, but you can't have it until Christmas
KERRY: But Peter, today IS Christmas
PETER: It is? Well in that case
(Runs from the lounge and hits into Carol)
CAROL: hey watch it! I'm pregnant here!
PETER: Again? Man Carol, couldn't you wait for Doug to come back?
CAROL: What do you mean?
PETER: You already had your twins..
CAROL: I did? Wow, cool! Oops! I left them in the car! Oh well
PETER: Hey, have you seen the big stuffed Teletubby I had on the admit desk
CAROL: Was it red?
PETER: I don't know. I think so
CAROL: Ya, I think Lucy signed it up as a patient
PETER: Oh man! What room is it in?
CAROL: They took it to Trauma Room one. It wasn't breathing
PETER: Oh no! Did they fix it?
CAROL: (Shrugs) I don't know
(Peter runs to the Trauma Room, where the red tellytubby is laid on the
table with a bunch of surgeons around it)
ELIZABETH: Oh my god! The stuffing is coming out! Quick get me the sewing
needle! (She quickly sews it up)
ELIZABETH: Quick! There is no line AT ALL! Get me the paddles! (Rubs them
together) Charging 300 CLEAR! Nothing! Come on! Charging 500 CLEAR!
ELIZABETH: Oh damn. Time of death 14:12
(Back in the Lounge. Peter comes back to Kerry crying)
PETER: Your Christmas present died
KERRY: What? What was it?
PETER: A big red stuffed tellytubby
KERRY: RED! I love the red! (Crawls over to peter and hugs him as they cry
CARTER: Yummy, my favorite. Yellow salami (He takes a bunch and a carton on
LUCY: How many days until Christmas?
CARTER: Exactly 7 days
LUCY: Its December Second already? I better go Christmas shopping
CARTER: hey! Carol would love this brown Jell-O! It’s even got some blood on
LUCY: Good idea. Hey cafeteria lady, do you giftwrap?
LUNCHLADY: Ya, five bucks for bologna wrap and seven for peanut butter
LUCY: ooh! But I can’t spend TOO much on her. I'll take the Bologna
LUNCHLADY: OK that will be 3 dollars
LUCY: hey! You're cheating me! You said five!
LUNCHLADY: Take it or leave it
LUCY: You’re a rip-off, I'll leave it (Grabs Jell-O) Come on Carter
CAROL: Oh Doug I hate you!
(She jumps on the couch and starts sobbing. The phone then rings)
LUKA: Hi Carol. Would you like to come over for dinner tonight?
CAROL: Sure Luka! Can we have fried lemons and French-fries again?
LUKA: Anything for you my sweetie
CAROL: Yay! Hey guess what Luka? I'm having a Christmas party next week!
LUKA: Really? Can I come?
CAROL: Yeah, bring lots of chocolate. I need to get fatter so Doug will hate
LUKA: OK, sure honey. Hey where are Fibulator One and Fibulator 2?
CAROL: Who? Oh yeah our kids. I think I left them on the train again. Oh
well. See you tonight
LUKA: Bye baby
(Hang up phones)
(Back in the ER. It is 10:18 PM)
LUCY: We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we..Hey
how come Carol didn't invite ME to her Christmas party?
KERRY: Take a guess
KERRY: Carol is so nice to me now! Just because I made Doug leave so she
could have an affair with Luka
LUCY: Hey when did Elaine leave?
CARTER: When I told the fifty-year old to take a hike. Oh Lucy! I love you so much!
(Carter and Lucy start kissing right in the middle of the ER)
KERRY: No fair! Where did Bob go?
(Wanders off in search of Bob)
PETER: I'm having a funeral tomorrow. Everyone can come
PATIENT: Who died?
PETER: The, the, red tellytubbie…WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
LUCY: (Stops kissing Carter) The red tellytubbie? Isn’t that the gay one?
CARTER: No, I think it’s the green one
CARTER: Peter! Shut up! Hey where is Reese?
PETER: Carol said she would baby-sit them
KERRIE: (Walking back in) Oh Carol is so reliable! I want kids just to leave
them with Carol!
(They all nod in agreement)
(At Lukas Boat)
CAROL: Oh Luka! You made me fried lemons! What about the French-fries?
LUKA: I made an alternate. All the escargots you can eat!
CAROL: oh, yummy! Hey Luka? How did your lamp get over here?
LUKA: I forgot the super glue
CAROL: That was super glue? I thought it was shampoo!
(Carol eyes her hair, which is super glued in a ponytail on the top of her
LUKA: Carol that is SO unattractive!
CAROL: Have you been watching Daria? You sound like Sandy
LUKA: (Gets on the floor and starts to bark)
CAROL: Luka! Like whatever!
(You hear the Daria music in the background)
BOTH: Oh yay! My favorites show!
(The sit in front of the TV eating dinner)
(Next Day, ER)
(Elizabeth and a bunch of doctors come rushing in with a gurney)
ELIZABETH: Quick! Set up Trauma One!
ELIZABETH: I don't know. I love saying that
CAROL: What's with the gurney?
ELIZABETH: (Eyes the gurney) Oh, just some dead guy I hit with my car. No
CAROL: Cool! HEY GUYS! NEW HOSPITAL RECORD!
(Carol runs over to the microphone used for the loudspeaker in the hospital)
CAROL (Into microphone): New Hospital Record for most people to be hit by a
worker here at, um, whatever hospital this is. It belongs to ELIZABETH
WEAVER! She has hit a total of 34 people in the past 2 weeks.
(You hear clapping and cheering)
ELIZABETH: My name is Elizabeth CORDAY!
(December 21, Carols House)
CAROL: Yay! My Christmas party is going to start in an hour!
(She hears knock on door)
CAROL: First guest! Maybe its Luka! (At the thought of him she dashes to the
door, and opens it to find Doug)
CAROL: Doug! (Slams door shut in his face)
CAROL: There goes my party!
(Doug opens the door and walks over to Carol)
DOUG: My baby! Where are my twins (kisses Carol)?
CAROL: Yuck that was sickening
DOUG: Excuse me?
CAROL: I want my Luka!
DOUG: Who the
CAROL: Don't say that, word Doug it's bad for your health!
DOUG: heck is Luka?
CAROL: (Dreamily) who is he? Oh where do I start?
DOUG: Oh. Well where are my babies?
CAROL: I think I left them in the car
DOUG: Carol, you don't have a car!
CAROL: (Suddenly realizing this is the first person to inform her about
this) I don't?
CAROL: Maybe it was the train then. I don't know
(You hear cries in the bedroom)
CAROL: Oh there they are! The names are Kerry Martine and Shirley Temple
DOUG: Were you drunk when you named them?
CAROL: No, I was dreaming about drinking
DOUG: Where did Kerry come from?
CAROL: Kerry is SO nice, she made, um, oops
CAROL: Hey Doug, I didn't invite you to my Christmas Party!
DOUG: You didn't?
CAROL: No, but I'll take your present anyway
DOUG: Ok, here you go
(Hands her a package wrapped in gold foil)
CAROL: Thanks! Oh 3 tickets to the Jerry Springer show!
DOUG: Yeah, one for me, one for you, and one for
DOUG: Ok, well see you tomorrow
CAROL: Bye Douglas
(ER, 10:00 PM)
LUCY: I can't wait for Carol's party!
KERRY: Me either! Hey I thought she didn't invite you
LUCY: Well she did
KERRY: OK, well my shift is over. Oh no! I didn't get her a present! Quick
which way to the operating room?
LUCY: Um, right? No, left! Oh wait. Oh forget it!
(10:30 PM, Carols party has begun. Everyone is there; eating Santa shaped
cookies from the year before and drinking a bunch of rum)
CARTER: 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, if one of those
bottles happens to fall, 67 bottles of beer on the wall!
EVERYONE: 67 bottles of beer on the wall, 67 bottles of beer, if one of
those bottles happens to fall, no more bottles of beer on the wall!
CAROL: Ok, time for Spin the Bottle!
LUCY: Can I kiss Peter?
CARTER: Hey kiss me!
(Start to kiss again as Carol spins the bottle)
PETER: Yay it landed on me!
CAROL: Look, flying chicken bones!
(Everyone quickly looks as Carol turns the bottle toward Luka)
KERRY: There was no chicken!
LUKA: Hey! The bottle magically landed on me!
(Luka and Carol start kissing)
LUCY: I want to sing Christmas Carols!
CAROL: Ok lets sing! Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol
ELIZABETH: Hey Carol shut up!
LUCY: We wish you a merry Christmas we wish you
PETER: THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY!
CHUNY: Hey! What about 'We Three Kings'?
DOUG (Bursting in): Who called me?
CHUNY: We three kings of Orient are, tried to smoke a rubber cigar, it was
loaded it exploded
DOUG: I'm the best king!
CAROL: (Punches Doug in the nose) Take that traitor! Hey lets open presents!
(The whole room is full of people screaming and yelling at each other)
CAROL: (Sighs) I love Christmas
(Next Day on Jerry Springer)
JERRY SPRINGER: Today we have paternity test to find out
(Entire ER Cast comes charging out screaming JERRY! JERRY!)
JERRY SPRINGER: Ok, who has the kids?
CAROL: I think I do, oh yeah. Luka where are the kids?
LUKA: I gave them to Doug
DOUG: I gave them to Jerry
JERRY SPRINGER: Oh those are yours. OK, what are there names?
CAROL: Kool-Aid and Powdered Milk
LUKA: Yesterday you said they were Luka Jr. and Luka III
JERRY SPRINGER: And you want to see if these children are Lukas or Doug's?
JERRY SPRINGER: Well the results are back and the biological father is….John
(Doug, Lucy and Luka attack Carter)
CAROL: What about the baby I'm pregnant with now?
JERRY SPRINGER: Luka
LUCY: Yay! How about me?
JERRY SPRINGER: Carter and Doug's babies!
(Christmas Day, Lukas Boat)
LUKA: Hey what are we going to name our baby?
CAROL: How about George Forman?
LUKA: And a girl?
CAROL: I like Snot Pigtails
(Luka kisses Carol and they sit by the Christmas Tree as the screen goes