If These Walls Could Talk

AUTHOR: Anna Rousseau
EMAIL: annadelamico@yahoo.co.uk
CATEGORY: Cast/Humour
SPOILERS: The Mark Season Seven Plot...if you've seen season 6 you're OK
ARCHIVE: Yes, just tell me where
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Not in any order, just they way they came out of my head! I haven't seen season 7 yet, so sorry for any inaccuracies. This is an idea I had in my mind for a while but never got the chance to write. Coincidently (honestly), the idea is very similar to ElaineMc's (PS I couldn't find your addy) 'snippets' (and Cein's now), but no enfringement is meant and copying is the sincerest form of flattery, and I'm sure this version is far inferior. Hey, enjoy... DISCLAIMER: If I owned these characters would I be writing this fic?
SUMMARY: So, we get the heavy plots on the show, but what lighter moments do the ER gang experience?


[Admit, Dave is leaning on the counter watching Luka and Carter discuss a patient]

DAVE: Hey, if you two could go out with one of us, who would you choose?

CARTER: [all in unison] Dunno.
DAVE: Me either.
LUKA: Carter.

DAVE: [blinks] Hey, why not me?

CARTER: You're just jealous, Dave.

DAVE: Am not! But seriously, Dr. Kovac, what as he got that I don't?

LUKA: I guess Carter's less pushy.

CARTER: [triumphantly] So there.

LUKA: Anyway, this is a load of nonsense. Check on the kid in two, Dave.

DAVE: [mutters as he walks over to Exam 2] My ass is way better than his. Kovac doesn't know what he's missing!



LYDIA: An eight, surely.

HALEH: Asolutely a ten.

RANDI: [looks up to see them staring at Luka] He can't score a ten on the Carter-Cuteness scale unless he's Carter, which he's not.

CHUNI: True. I think we really need a Luka Lushness scale.


[Mark & Carter are drinking coffee in the lounge, Dave enters]

CARTER & MARK: Whaaaaassssuuuuppppppp!!!!

DAVE: Whaaaaaassssuuuuuupppppp!!!!!

CARTER: Java? [pours Dave coffee]

MARK: True.


CARTER: Abby, shouldn't you be up in OB?

ABBY: Uh, why?

CARTER: Be-cause, is you haven't already noticed, you aren't a med-student or an ER nurse.

ABBY: Well, you're the first to notice.


DAVE: Randi....I w-

RANDI: [holds hand up to silence him, she's teary-eyed]

DAVE: I didn't mean-




DAVE: Ran-


DAVE: I'm sorr-

RANDI: I'm not listening.

DAVE: Aww, come on. I said I was sorry - it was great, really...

RANDI: Dave you laughed!

DAVE: Randi, [sighs] it was NC-17 rated male slash Buffy/NYPD Blue fanfic, I had to.

RANDI: Piss off, you had your chance and you blew it. [mutters to herself] I'd like to see you write something that hot.



CARTER: No, Pe-ter.

ELIZABETH: [concentrates] Pete-rah....Pet-ar... Cartah, it's so hard!

CARTER: No, not Car-tah, it's Cart-r.

ELIZABETH: Carr-trr [rolls the 'r' and chokes]...oh, bollocks!


MARK: Deb, will you-

JING-MEI: [Grabs IV pole and hits him on head] Don't call me Deb!!!


KERRY: [talking to the whole of the ER] ....and that is why I use a crutch.

DAVE: [walks in and sees the assembled staff] Did I miss something?


RANDI: Hmm, I wonder if Carter's single.

CHUNI: Forget it girl, your not his type.

RANDI: [offended] What'ya getting at?

CHUNI: Do you ever wear blonde wigs, get highlights?

RANDI: What?

CHUNI: He only dates blondes.

RANDI: [raises an eyebrow] Really.


[Dave runs behind a gurney Luka is pushing]

DAVE: Aggghhh! [he slips on the floor] Randi, call maintenance and get this clean- [his eyes travel to the gel dripping off Luka's hair onto the floor].

DAVE: Hair stylist, to Trauma Two...code red.


ABBY: [walks into Trauma 2, Carter's back is turned to her] Just came for a chart.

CARTER: [tries to hide the Chupa-Chup in his mouth] Just cleaning up [talking around the candy]

ABBY: [raises her eyebrow] Yeah right, you just can't keep off the glucose, can you....DR GREENE!!!


[As they lay dying on the floor of Curtain Three]


LUCY: [strained] Piss...off....bas...tarrd

CARTER: [falling unconcious] I hope...you bleed...out!


[Waiting in surgery after stabbing]

PETER: Hey man, don't worry, I'll get you through this. OK?

CARTER: [drugged up] I want another doctor!


ABBY: [at admit] When I was in OB...


ABBY: [offended] You don't have to be so nasty, it wasn't like that in OB.

DAVE: [angry] OK, where's the LP kit?

KERRY: [quickly] Here, I have one in my pocket.


DAVE: Hey, Deb-

JING-MEI: [Grabs TV off the wall and beats Dave to death with it] Don't... call... me....DEB!!!


KERRY: So what are we gonna do for Independance Day?

MARK: Barbeque?

LUKA: Noooooo!!!! CAROL!!!!

MARK & KERRY: [eyes wide as they watch Luka sob, Kerry hands him a T-Sheet] Here...

LUKA: Thanks [blows his nose].

MARK: Fondue

KERRY: [quickly] Yeah.


KERRY: Has anyone seen Carol?

MARK: She went to Seattle with Doug and their kids, in May.

KERRY: And you were going to tell me this, when?

MARK: I guess I forgot.

KERRY: And you let me think she was still in Chicago for six months- what, have you got a brain tumour or something?

MARK: [silent]

KERRY: Oh....sorry, I uh.....damn.


CHUNI: [runs over to admit] Hey, you lots have got to see this, Dr. Finch is smiling!

DAVE: Oh yeah, right! Let me just check on my flying pig in Exam Two...you did put restraints on him, right Haleh?

HALEH: [nods, rolls her eyes at Chuni] Um-huh!

CHUNI: [disbelieving] It's true! Honest to God!


ELIZABETH: Far-thah.

CARTER: Far-ther.

ELIZABETH:.....faar...[strains] tharrr...

CARTER: I don't think this is working...


CHUNI: It's eleven thirty.

CONNI: [whispers to the women at admit]: Eleven thirty.

RANDI: [licks her lips] Eleven-thirty!

[they look up and lean on the admit desk dreamily watching Luka, Dave and Carter drink coffee in their scrub tops]


[In Seattle, in Doug's back yard]

[Doug and Carol break out of that kiss]

CAROL: Where the HELL have you been!

DOUG: Huh?

CAROL: I was there, working all the hardest shifts, bringing up twins...and you've been playing with a damn boat!

DOUG: I- uh...

CAROL: Forget it, I'm moving back with Tag.

DOUG: Not him again!

[Carol pushes him into the water]


[In the lounge, we see only their heads]

DAVE: [whines] No way!

CHUNI: It's not gonna kill you...

DAVE: It might! Forget it, I'll wear the normal one.

CHUNI: It's covered in vomit.

[camera pans out, Dave is in a nurses scrub top]

DAVE: [moans] But it's pink, Chuni!


[In Exam 6, Lucy is cleaning up Carter's head from the Tae-Bo kick]


LUCY: Baby!

CARTER: I'm a doctor, you're a med student, we shouldn't be doing this.

LUCY: [repulsed] What did you think I was going to do, kiss you passionately on the floor and nearly destroy my reputation?


LUCY: Puh-lease [runs out of room] SECURITY!!!


DAVE: Randi?

RANDI: [reading a print-out] What?

DAVE: Well, what do you think?

RANDI: [laughs] Well...

DAVE: You laughed...

RANDI: It's NC-17 female slash Chicago Hope fanfic...that *you* wrote...I had to.

DAVE: Hey, try writing something that hot.

RANDI: [scans over it] And I suppose these two doctors, just happened to get stuck in supply cupboard with a pair of handcuffs...

DAVE: Well...

RANDI: And they're both wearing sexy leather and lace lingerie in the middle of a 12 hour shift?

DAVE: Hey, it's my fic, maybe they do!

RANDI: Maybe...but one person I know around here really does.

DAVE: Who?

RANDI: [leans foward and whispers in his ear] Me.

DAVE: [raises his eyebrow and eyes her] Suture room, ten minutes.

RANDI: Bring the fic, I'll bring mine...[she eyes him slowly] we'll collaborate.

DAVE: [jaw drops]

[Randi walks past Chuni, neither look up]

CHUNI: Got him?

RANDI: [laughs] Got him!


DAVE: [IntuboCam in hand] Ladies and Gentlemen, Dave Malucci MD presents.... [drumrolls on the wall] ....'ER - Inside the Women's Room'

[Dave places IntuboCam in the corner and flees the room]

[stall opens, Weaver walks out and bend over the camera]

KERRY: Dr. Malucci, Kerry Weaver MD presents to you the term 'fired'.


KERRY: Mark?

MARK: [absorbed in 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets] Tee-hee-hee!

KERRY: Mark!

MARK: [annoyed] What now, Kerry...it's getting interesting, they've just had their first lesson with the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

KERRY: If you don't put that book down now, you're gonna nedd Defense Against the Dark Arts because I'll turn into a four-headed monster from the blue-lagoon.

MARK: There aren't any of those in Harry Potter.

TIM THE DESK CLERK: [looks up from 'Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire] I think she meant a Dementor.



Told ya it was pathetic!

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