What it is to Burn

AUTHOR: Alanna diAblo
EMAIL: rockarbaby@aol.com
CATEGORY: Angst/romance, JC/AL
SPOILERS: Foreign Affairs
ARCHIVE: Yes please! But email me first.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them. Sucks for me.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: See ending please.
Feedback: Post it on the site if there are feedback forums, (like fanfiction.net and carby zone have.) if not, please email it to the above email address. Thanks!!
SUMMARY: Quickie fic. Post "Foreign Affairs." What was going through Abby's head? CarbyAngst..c'mon, you know you like it.

What it is to Burn


A week of this. Lonley nights, emptiness, guilt.
She can't stop thinking about how this was the best thing in her life.
She thought it was his too. But then again, how well can you know someone?
She thought she knew him.
He'd seemed to know her all to well.
It had scared her, but he'd stayed.
He'd promised her he wouldn't leave.
So in the end, what had made him abandon her?
Perhaps the grief had tainted him. Too much pain.
She'd caused him too much of himself, to much time spent comforting her.
Cost him so much concern when he'd had his own problems to sort out.

But he'd stayed through it all. And she thought he'd loved her.
His faith had made her a better person.
Quit smoking, cold turkey.
She thinks she smiled a lot more, too.
He made her feel like she oculd be appreciated.
Maybe even loved. A feeling that she'd given up on long ago.
Because people really hadn't cared to understand where she was coming from.
Carter was the only person who'd ever thought about her. She didn't even think about herself.
Maybe that had never happened. Maybe it was all in her head, because he made her blind. Head over heels for her best friend.
He'd probably just been his usual self, caring for others.
She'd probably mistaken his intentions.

No. After all the opportunities she'd given him to leave her to be happy, he'd stood by her.
Dedication. Trust.
That's what they'd had.
Was that love?

She couldn't blame him for being angry, he did have that right.
It was his grandmothers funeral, and her drunken, bipolar brother had stumbed into the grave.
It was crazy, but that was her life.
Carter wasn't used to the feeling of shame.
The pity and the hurt, caused by watching your own kin do things like that.
And you could do nothing about it.
And you had to accept them, because people are supposed to love their families.
No matter what.

Carter had seen it then. That the life he would have to lead if he'd stayed with Abby.
Things wouldn't change.
People could improve, and fall in love, and quit smoking.
That didn't mean they weren't the same person.
They still had the same background and still had the same family.
No one can change the past.

She was used to this, she'd accepted it long ago.
It frightend him.
And she knew that this meant he didn't know all of her, or he didn't want all of her.
She wonders if he'd have hated her if they'd met in college.
She wonders if she'd disliked him then, as well.
Abby now, yes.
Abby before they'd met was another story.
That's why he didn't propose.

She stands outside the hospital now,
contemplating the ciggarette she stowed in her purse, 'just in case.'
He was right about her. She is a bad person.
Maybe that's why he left her.
Yet, Abby decided she didn't want to give this up so easily, she was going to fight one last battle in her life.
For him.

He comes outside, swinging his bad over his shoulder.


He stops, but doesn't respond.
Almost as if she's a shaddow or a ghost.

"Did you catch the eclipse?"

He says something, but it's not with words spoken that she understands what he's saying.
It's his body language, and that look in his eye.
It's hate.
There's a fine line between love and hate, she reminds herself.

"Have a rough shift?"

He sums up his day in two sentances,
it's not like how they used to talk.
Now he's being impersonal, almost polite,
as if she's an aquantance whom Carter had a bad first impression.

Then he starts to walk away. It's been a week.

"That's it?"

There was a time when lonliness meant five minnutes with him in the other room.
Why was he acting this way?
The least he could do was tell her what was wrong.
She had already apologiesed profusely for the incident at his grandmothers funeral.

That's what they called it: the incident. Looking into her eyes, he ignores her. She feels a sting under her rib cage. Then it burns. A broken heart disease. "Luka called me today. He was under the impression I might know where you were." This gets his attention, and he casts his eyes over the ground. "You're going aren't you? To Africa?" They both know the answer. Then he looks up again, and it's as if they'd walked past each other on the street, and their eyes had locked by accident. She hopes this isn't how he really feels, because if it is, she doesn't know how to go on, and she knows she has to. And her heart stops beating, and her guts push against her skin. She feels like she's going to break out in cold sweat. But we were so perfect... She tries to make him remember, but he doesn't know her anymore. Doesn't want to know her at all. She tells herself not to cry, because Abby doesn't cry. "It's not rio, but it's not here." He trails off. Here. "Nothing is right here." Here. He walks off into the night, without even a goodbye. Not expecting an "I miss you," but no "goodbye?" Guess not. And she doesn't even bother going after him again. She collects herself, pulls her jacket on straight, and tries not to think about what was. Again, she'd screwed every thing up. This one time, she'd thought it would work, and she'd started to believe it. Believe the lie.

With a heavy sigh, she lingers for a moment. It's not the worst day of her life. She runs those words over and over in her head. You didn't just let go of the best thing that ever happened to you.

Then she goes inside before the sadness drowns her.


Authors Note: So, we meet again. Sorry I haven't been pumping out fic as often, but I've been so busy! The next chapter of Sombra de la Tormenta will come up (hopefully) sometime this July. Anyways, this little...I guess sort of vingette/poem..Sandra Cisineros type thing, just came to me. I just recently re-discovered it while going through my notebook, so I decided to type it up and post it...I'm sure everyone really cares. Some might have noticed, this isn't as discriptive as my fics like North Star and She Speaks, are. I decided to do more of a biased narator thing in Abby's head, so let me know if you thought it worked or if it didn't, what I could do to make it better.

Anyways, the line "broken heart disease" is from The Wallflower's song, "One Headlight."

"So long ago I don't remember when, That's when they say I lost my only friend. They said she died easy of a broken heart disease..."

and so on. I thought it would make for good carby angst, and Jason is hot, so I stuck it in here.

The title, "What it is to Burn." is taken from the song "What it is to Burn," by Finch. mmm Finch. They rock.

So please review!! PLEASE!!! It means the world to me, which says a lot about how pathetic my life is, but feedback does make my day. Other fanfic authors, you know you like feedback too, so spread the love and I'll come check out your own fics when I have time.

Hope you all enjoyed this. Much love.
-P E A C E-

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