Wondering


AUTHOR: Sylvia
EMAIL: ellaspyrka@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: LKo
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: A Walk in the Woods
ARCHIVE: Please please please email me!
DISCLAIMER: These are not my characters, they belong to NBC and Warner Bros.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well I was walking home from Church today and it was snowing. I was sort of thinking the same thing Luka was, about life and death. About religion and everything. The translations are at the bottom, and my Croatian isn't that good, so you're going to have to forgive my grammar, and if you can, fix my mistakes. Croatian is my fifth language... Thanks to everyone! Love you!
SUMMARY: Luka walks through Chicago, thinking about his life.



He walked out of the ER. He was tired of everything. He couldn't put up with any of it anymore. He knew he'd pay for it later but right now he didn't care. He needed to escape, to break free of every memory that filled his distraught mind. He finally began to calm down several blocks away from the hospital. He descended into a slow steady stride. He looked up, and noticed that snow was falling. It was unique, not a hard or fast collapsing snow, but a delicate blanket, just the perfect speed falling onto the already crystal-like winter scene. Luka walked towards the park near the lake. He used to come here earlier, when he first moved to Chicago. It reminded him of Croatia. Although the temperature was below freezing, he enjoyed the nipping of the cold upon his bare face and hands. He finally reached his destination, and stood looking down at the water, upon the full moon glistening on the water. It had a silver tint, yet was so majestic in its beauty. He pulled out his hand, as to reach for it, but instead watched a snowflake land on his warm hand and quickly disappear.


Jasna, svatko dana snijeg pahuljica je razlicit.
Ali tata kako je Bog to uciniti?
Ja ne znati. On je napravio njima svi jedinstven poput narod.
Tata , ja kladiti se taj snijeg pahuljica je te.
Zašto?
Jer posrijedi je moj ljubimac.
Volim te.


Luka snapped back into reality. He missed her so much, his Jasna. He remembered on the first snowfall, much to Danjella's argument, he would drag, or rather Jasna would drag, Luka outside. They would come back hours later, freezing, wet, and exhausted. Danjella would yell at both of them, and Luka would get spanked, but he knew she was glad Jasna was happy. Luka would then make hot chocolate, and Jasna would fall asleep in his arms, watching the steam rise out of the multicolored cups. He followed only moments later into a peaceful slumber. Luka felt the tears begin to fall slowly, but he wiped them away. He had to move on. The last thing he needed was a case of pneumonia. He began to walk towards home, or whatever home was now. He walked slowly, ignoring the people rushing around him. All of them were going home to a warm house and kids waiting with open arms. He noticed a small pile of cloth on the floor and knelt down to investigate it. It was a small dark blue glove, much like the one Marko had once received from his grandmother.

Tata! Tata!
Marko!
Luka raskopati njegov rukavice i patentni zatvarac njegov omazati.
Marki , gdje su tvoj rukavice?
Ovdje!
Kvalitetno baciti njima na , i mi moze ici u punom pgonu snijeg.


Luka's soul screamed for his son's mispronounced words and loving hugs. True, he favored Jasna and Marko was always Danjella's chosen, he still loved his son with his whole heart. Marko would always sneak into their bed at night, right when they both had planned to bring another life into the world. Luka always thought he was jealous. Nonetheless, since nothing had started, both agreed to bring Marko into bed and cuddled him. Luka couldn't have been happier. His wife was by his side, his handsome son, and gorgeous daughter in between them. This was all he needed. This was his life. He cried a lot back then, but only tears of happiness. He was the luckiest man alive. Ever.

He didn't know where he was. He continued straight, hoping to end up in a familiar neighborhood. But he was now only walking the unknown and hidden streets of Chicago. He saw a church in the distance. The tall towers were reaching up to the heavens, the sides stretching on forever. He hadn't been in a church since Danjella and his children had died. There was no God to him anymore. He punished the innocent and let the guilty run free. Luka didn't understand why Danjella had such faith. She had always said God blessed her with the most wonderful husband possible, and the two most perfect children ever. Luka only believed that. Danjella was his angel. Marko and Jasna his life.


Danjella , Volim te.
Luka...
Nijedan , ja obaviti. Ti si moj zivot. Te Jasna , i Marko.
Luka , Volim te previše.
Tvoj moj andeo , uobicajen mene mimo Bog...


He still could remember their wedding night. Both had been so exhausted, yet somehow still had enough energy to do the one thing they had waited ages for. He was so nervous. He didn't know how to start, what to do. He was most afraid that Danjella would laugh at him. He knew she was more nervous than he was, but she never faltered. It was the best night of his life. Six weeks later, Luka found out she was pregnant with Jasna.

Luka somehow ended up at his apartment and sat down on the front steps. He looked at the now dark sky and managed to see the stars. He started to cry. Nothing went right in his life. Why was he doomed forever? No one was supposed to walk into their home and the first thing they saw was their son, buried under his crib. Dead. An arm. No life. Dead. Then their wife, bleeding to meet Marco's fate. Their own daughter beaten, bruised and torn, fighting for her life. No one was supposed to choose between the two most valuable women in their life. No one was supposed to watch their wife die while he breathed for his own daughter. No one was supposed to hold on to the hope that their daughter would again breathe. No one was supposed to pronounce their whole family. No one was supposed to bury their family, their loving wife, only 26 years old. Their sweet daughter, only 6 years old, in a small coffin, her favorite toy on top of the wood. Their son, only 3 years old, a whole life ahead of him. People who did nothing wrong, who should have lived full, happy lives. No. There was no God. No mercy. He would forever live in their memory, until the day he joined them.


~*~Translations~*~

(First Flashback)
Everyone of the snowflakes is different.
But daddy how did God do that?
I don't know. He made them all unique like people.
Daddy, I bet that snowflake is you.
Why?
Because it's my favorite.
I love you Jasna.


(Second Flashback)
Daddy! Daddy!
Marco!
Luka pick up his gloves and zipper his coat.
Marko, where are your gloves?
Here!
Well put them on, and we can go play in the snow.


(Third Flashback) )
Danjella, I love you.
Luka...
No, I do. You are my life. You, Jasna, and Marko.
Luka, I love you too.
You're my angel, sent from God.





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